I Wear Jeans to Work and Other Things You can Judge Me For

So this post is something that I have sat on for quiet some time, but I feel that the #NASPAyikyak fiasco of 2015 brings these notions back to light. I think it's time that I share this and continue the conversation of the apparent superiority complex we have among us.

I read a blog post on the unwritten rules of Student Affairs and it's bothered me for the past day (and still does). So much so that I was up at 5:00 am because I couldn't sleep and decided that writing a blog post in my head was more important. Unfortunately when I do that I never actually remember the entirely of the post I had written and then stumble to find those words again once I get to a computer. However there are two things I do know:

1. I'm irked.
2. I'm disappointed.

It's hard for me to say that. It's difficult because the authors of the post are two professionals that I admire and usually enjoy/promote what they have to say. However, I really don't believe the mark was hit with this. Now, I don't disagree with it all nor am I saying that there's not some truth to the points made, but why are we perpetrating "unwritten rules"? Are we not trying to undo them? Why are we adding more layers to a field that can be overwhelming and complex for new professionals as it is. Sure, maybe this post wasn't meant for new professionals, but what good was the advice for anyone? We are not holier than thou, do-no-wrong, failure-is-not-an-option, demean the outcast group - or are we?

According to the authors the unwritten rules are:

• Say no early and often
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home
• Network with People at levels above and below you
• Stop talking about your work-life balance
• Dress the part
• What people think of you does matter
• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work off their desk!)

I don't disagree nor am bothered by all of these; other than the point that we're continually perpetrating "unwritten rules" in the first place. Stop it. When did we become some secret society that people need to bend over backwards to be a part of. No, I don't need to be a SA Unicorn. Neither does anyone else. Can we please focus on the purpose of our jobs instead of the ways people do their jobs differently? Also, please don't forget that each college campus has it's own culture and political structure in which these so called "unwritten rules" may not even be acceptable or work.

• Say no early and often: Slightly disagree
• Premise - don't take on too much too soon.
• Reality - just because it's not in your job description doesn't mean you don't have to do it. Seek clarification if you're unsure run it by your supervisor before turning down a meeting or committee invite.
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home: Agree
• Premise - spend it or lose it.
• Reality - spend it or lose it; although this can too depend on your institution. Make sure you take your own position and role with budgets into account first.
• Network with people at levels above and below you: Agree
• Premise - get to know the people you work for and those who work for you.
• Reality - No matter your job title, you should want to know the people you're working for and those working for you. Meet with administrative assistance, facilities, custodians; you'll be amazed at what kind of knowledge and perspective they have on a department or institution as a whole.
• Stop talking about your work-life balance: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - Our jobs are 24/7 and you better get used to it.
• Reality - We are people. We have lives outside of what we do for a living, and so it should be. Yes, some of us might need help in being more organized and setting up 'boundaires', if you will, but how do we help colleagues do that? Just telling them they have to or what they are currently doing is wrong doesn't work. We need to assist and help in ways we can. Mentor new professionals. Assist where you can. This should not be a 'dog eat dog' world, because outside of work it's tough enough already.

I put myself first. I don't let my job run me into the ground. I advocate for work/life balance. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• Dress the part: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - The clothes make the person and to fit in you must adhere to this rule.
• Reality - This does not take into account gender expression, socioeconomic status, or size. As a large woman with low SES it is not financially feasible for me to be able to afford what some of the profession deems as professional for my daily work life. (FYI: 1 suit would cost me $150.00 & no I can't just go to my location Salvation Army/Goodwill store to pick up low cost items). I am not alone in this. New professionals and graduate students, which make up a large population of the field are not always in financial situations to afford the same level of professional attire as say a CHO. Sure $150 for a suit might seem like a steal to some, but if that's my every day attire I would need at least 3 to mix & match ($450.00); which doesn't take into account weight loss or gain - because let's face it I'm human, and so are the rest of us!

I wore jeans to work. I had a productive day. No one died. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• What people think of you does matter: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - You must be liked by everyone and at all times to matter in this field/get ahead.
• Reality - And this happened today:

@DanMcDs b/c we're told that other's perceptions of us matter more than who we really are.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 25, 2015

• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work of their desk!): Disagree
• Premise - Don't add concerns to your boss's to-do list; anticipate projects/challenges and take initiative.
• Reality - Where as this isn't a huge issue, it does lead to some interesting thoughts on being able to balance your own workload. I don't mind taking initiative, but sometimes you might do something a certain way and find out that was wrong. Sure it's a learning opportunity, but I add caution to just going forth, especially as new professionals without seeking some guidance first. As the Associate VP for Student Affairs at University at Buffalo Barbara Ricotta would say "Don't just bring me a dead cat, bring me a dead cat and a shovel." Go to your supervisor with a question or challenge AND bring a solution. I find that to be much better and practical advice.

If I do my boss's job doesn't that make me the boss? Plus, then who is doing my job? #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

So why do these things go together? We're shaming a large or small population (because who really knows since Yik Yak is anonymous!) into our own ideals of what is professional and acceptable. I am aware that some of the Yaks were in poor taste and the ones promoting 'isms were uncalled for at the least, but we can do better in the sense that we need to understand we're all learning and developing each day. The professional who has been doing this for 30 years and the one who will enter the field, hopefully, in May are trying to navigate the waters of Social Media in the same sense; or one would hope as this is 2015 and a lot if happening on SoMe that we should be a part of - connecting with students and understanding campus climates, etc (RE: Rey Junco). What now? Where do we go from here?

I'll leave you with these:

Just because you haven't experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) February 24, 2015

We are all fighting our own battles - a gentle reminder to be kind to others because you might just be the brightest spot in their day
— Valerie Heruska (@ValerieHeruska) February 24, 2015

"Stay weird, stay different, and when it's your turn, pass on that message to the next person." #slayme #Oscars2015
— Marci Walton (@MarciKWalton) February 23, 2015

Burn Baby, Burn

How many have heard the phrase, "it's a small field, everyone knows somebody" before? I'm going to guess the majority of people reading this have either heard it or uttered the words to someone else. Is this sentiment true? Yes. Student Affairs is a relatively small field compared to something else like business or health services. However, this phrase is usually followed up with someone telling you not to do something because you don't want to 'burn bridges'. I disagree. Sometimes you need to burn that bridge and walk away. I'm not condoning poor or unacceptable behavior, but telling someone to 'just stick it out' or 'it's only for a year' is not good advice. If the job, position, location, political set-up is damaging to someone's well-being then why encourage them to stay? You can not find out everything about a position in the interview process. I know this from experience. I've asked numerous questions about things that matter to me in an interview and receive an answer only to find out after I up root my life to start in the position and it's actually not what I was lead to believe. Yes employers want to look desirable and please applicants when they have positions to fill and it's crunch time, however ultimately lying about policies and procedures is not the way to go about that situation. I have been in some very bad positions before and was always given the pep talk of "you can do anything for one year", which is true. I could. But was it the right thing for me?

With the search season upon us I wanted to revisit these thoughts. Don't stay because someone tells you that you should, or that leaving would add a "red flag" to your resume. If I listened to that I would've left the field 5 years ago because I was in a position that was literally killing me. My career may not have been rainbows and butterflies and others may harshly judge me based on my resume, but what I have done was for me and for me alone. As a new professional I listened a lot. I wanted to do the 'right' thing. I wanted to have that 'white picket fence' career that we are in awe of throughout grad school. It didn't work. I learned a lot. I did a lot. I grew a lot.

S T O P

Yes, you. STOP. Take a minute. Breathe. Ask yourself: what do I want? Ask yourself: what is best for me? Don't let others lead your path when they don't walk in your shoes. There is no right way and we need to realize that.

Burn baby, burn.

Quality of Life: Live-In Staff [Expectations]

[Prologue: I started this post well over a year ago when I was working on a three set series. I never officially published it, but after some time I believe I'm ready to put it out there. The series focused on the quality of life for live-in professionals. I touched base on the topic of pets, live-in partners and now expectations. At the time I had a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind on all of these three topics. I was able to quickly write on pets and live-in partners, which have already been posted. I struggled to get this post out because every time I had a great thought it was while I was in bed trying to sleep or driving for long hours; neither of these really allotted for much actual writing time to get done. So here I am, on a Friday evening catching up on what feels like months of laundry and revisiting this post to share with all of you.]

I think one of the biggest revelations I've had as an entry level professional is that each job is different, each institution works a certain way, and that expectations vary. I know that not every job is going to be the exact same thing because there are way too many variables, but it doesn't mean that there can't be some consistency on expectations. I do believe expectations should include some key components, such as: consistency, effective communication, challenge and support, and respect.

• Consistency: When it comes to expectations of live-in staff I think the most important item to discuss is consistency. Even if it's a staff of two, five, eight, or more professionals at the same level - there should be consistency. Their title is the same, so the job should be the same. If you expect one staff member to spend their day in the office during business hours, but another staff member is able to flex their time and be out of the office running personal errands - that's not consistent. This also is a breeding ground for disgruntled employees. Could that employee speak a supervisor and discuss a day where they can be out of the office running errands because they worked on a weekend or long hours for an emergency call? Yes. I'm not saying that these things need to change. However, if you allow one person to do it; everyone needs to be allowed. There's no easier way to tear a staff apart than to have them well aware of inconsistencies to their treatment at work. It's not easy work. It can be difficult and tiring, but you don't have to make it harder for your employees to do their jobs. Favoritism happens. There will be people that you just get along better with than others, but as a professional and a supervisor you need to be able to draw the lines and make sure treatment is the same across the board for your staff..
• Be aware of the inconsistencies and do what you can to prevent them from continuing or happening again.

• Effective Communication: How do you like to receive information? Can you have a fly by conversation and remember it? Do you need it in writing? Is it better to have a voicemail? If you don't know how you process and retain information that's going to be a problem. Autonomy can be great in a workplace. Most professionals enjoy it. Do you give your staff their own space? If you need something done, how do you ask them for it? Is it an e-mail request, individual phone call...a text message? You will need to find out how you best work with communication, look at the institution's culture, and then you need to ask your staff. Part of being a supervisor and working as a team is making sure everyone has the information that's needed at the time its needed. Are you listening to all of your staff members? If there's a disagreement, do you hear from both before making accusations or judgement? If one staff member is always dropping by your office and talking to you for hours, are you checking in on your other staff members? What are they doing that's keeping them busy in their offices? Are they stopping in to see you frequently? Sure, it's nice to have the time to talk with your staff in a more informal manner, but if it's a constant reaccurence what work is actually getting done? Also, are you discussing business during these meetings? If items are brought up that change how something is done are you making sure everyone knows about it? If not, you need to change how you're communicating with your staff. If you only give one staff member the information no one else will know, thus making everyone's job much more difficult and your office will be less efficient. 
• Part of effective communication is making sure that everyone is giving and getting information they need.

• Challenge and Support: There needs to be a balance here. Constant challenge can become too overwhelming and lead to burn out. However, if you're only supported in all that you do you can become complacent. Also, where would growth come from? Thinking everything is great all the time can have a negative impact when/if there was ever a supervisor or position change. If you supervise more than one individual, be mindful of how you are challenging and supporting each of your employees. Is it consistent? How often does it happen? I would also say that some challenge should be down in a one-on-one meeting rather than an open forum, but I also find that having a conversation regarding each person's comfort level could be beneficial and healthy for the working relationship.
• Be constructive when you challenge an employee and show support when they consistently meet expectations or exceed them.

• Respect: You see this and you may roll your eyes because you can't believe that this would be an issue, but it is. Sure, someone joins the staff and you may not have been a part of their interview; what do you do when you don't really like them? Just because your personalities clash, you don't enjoy their sense of humor, or think they have no idea what they're doing doesn't mean that you can't respect them. Some of the better working relationships I've had are with people I don't like. Why? Because we focused on the job at hand, did it well, and then went on with our lives. I didn't have to like them. I didn't have to enjoy their ideas, but I did need to respect them. We all bring something different to the table; which is good, and I think we should strive for more of this. Why do we continue to surround ourselves with like minded people? What exactly does that accomplish in the long run? If you don't have someone bringing in new ideas, new ways of looking at something, or different experience how does that allow you and your staff to grow? 
• As a supervisor, you should be the example that your staff follows. 

So why did I decide that these are the four important elements to success in a workplace? Because when you don't have these elements or if you're missing some of them it creates a hostile work environment. This leads to quick turnover and unpleasant experiences for staff. I've had bad experiences. I've had really really bad experiences. I've also had some good ones. I looked back on each experience and found that the bad lacked some or all of these elements, and the good had most if not all of these elements.

Sure entry level positions may not be meant as someone's lifelong career, but some people are looking to settle down for 3-4 years before having to move again. They say that the first year in a new position is when you watch, the second year you do, and the third year you make changes. After six years of working for multiple institutions in basically the same role I have learned that this is only the case if it's your first position. With each change of job I've had there's been a learning curve and differences, but the overall aspect of the jobs are the same. If you're not being challenged you're not growing and you become stagnant. As a supervisor, get to know what your employees want, what they're looking for as professional development and growth, and then try to help them get it.

Why I started therapy

Although I had talked to my primary care physician (PCP) about my depression and had tried a variety of medications I never went to a therapist. I sought out a therapist during the time I was being treated under the care of my PCP, but when I met with a woman for the intake she explained my insurance coverage to me. It would be $20 per visit to go. I had already been struggling financially with trying to make ends meet, pay bills, and keep up with student loans. I didn't see where therapy fit and it was difficult for me. I also am not sure that I was ready at the time.

This past May I had a very rough period. It was almost a full two weeks that was completely destroying me. Granted work didn't make it any easier. I was going through the process of ending the semester, closing my building, and transitioning into summer. It was a new process and new procedure for me to learn. All the change was overwhelming and I know I wasn't really in the best of states before it all snowballed together. For that time my thoughts were scattered and I had difficulty in almost every aspect of my life. My mind was filled with thoughts constantly and the most prevalent one was that I just wanted to cease to exist. No, I didn't want to kill myself nor harm myself - I just didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. I was done.

But how can you be down when you have 16 staff members looking for you for guidance, help, and support? It was awful. I continued to try and do my job, but I knew I wasn't really being there for some staff that needed me and my presence more than others and it was difficult. One day I had had enough. I sat down and searched mental disorders. I wasn't convinced that I was just depressed. It had to be something else. It had to be something more. I had never struggled like this before and I was scared. Along with searching up disorders I started looking for therapists. I was past the breaking point - I broke. I had had serious thoughts about checking myself into the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know who could help.

I searched and searched local therapists, but I had no idea how to pick one. So to defer having to go through that I called my insurance company to find out my coverage. I was covered. I had a $20 copay for 20 visits, but after that I would need to get a referral. I didn't care. At this point $20 was worth it. So it was back to square one on trying to locate a therapists. I called numerous places. No answer. Or I was greeted with a voice mail.

A voice mail? I'm not leaving you a voice mail. What do I say? Where do I begin? No no no. I am certainly not doing that! So I kept trying. I finally reached a person and decided to schedule an appointment. The first they would be able to see me was July 1st. JULY 1st! It was May and I was going through the roughest patch I have ever faced - how can I make it to July 1st? I scheduled an appointment but kept trying to find other therapists - I needed to be seen as soon as possible. Before I could locate and call another office I received a call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone. It was a woman asking me if I had called her number previously. I was a little confused but then realized that I had. It was a number listed on one of the therapists information websites. I was shocked. She called me because I didn't leave a message. So we talked. I explained that I was going through a difficult time and needed to see a therapist, she set me up with her office number and told me to schedule something. The number I had called was her cellphone. I called the office and was able to set an appointment up for the next day. I've been going to therapy since then. I have missed two weeks due to a professional conference and vacation, but my therapist is a phone call away if I need her. This week we will be starting EMDR therapy. I have no idea what it's going to be like, but after the past few visits I know it's going to change everything - maybe not tomorrow, but as time goes on it will. Part of going to therapy has really made me realize how much other stuff I have been carrying around with me and it's about time I deal with it.

This week my $20 copay is going to overdraw my bank account, but I can't afford not to go - my life depends on it.

It's time for me to take care of me.

I come first.

What We Learn From Death

So I went and saw "The Fault in Our Stars" this evening. I didn't originally want to. I went back and forth on it for some time, but since it was $5 Tuesdays at the theater I decided it was worth it. See, I didn't read the book so I wasn't sure if that would be a good or bad thing. However, before walking into the theater and buying my ticket I had already guessed the ending - I was right, by the way, but I'm not saying what my thoughts were to spare people from any spoilers.

It was sad. I did cry. However it really wasn't the movie by itself that had me react in this way. By the time I started college I had attended ten funerals, all of which were for friends I had in High School. No, they didn't have cancer. Most of them died from car crashes and one from suicide. It was a very dreary time for what people refer to as someone's formative years. I was surrounded by death and I learned from it.

How do we learn from death? How do we shape ourselves after a heartache and so much grief and pain? I don't think there is one complete answer. To me it really comes down to the person and what it best for them. For me it varied. I found strength in the pain. I found ambition and drive. I found that I couldn't let it get the best of me - and that was the hardest. Coping with loss for anyone is difficult, but coping when you suffer from depression can be near impossible. Sometimes I was able to handle it better, but sometimes it was much more difficult. I started therapy three weeks ago, and the funny thing about that is my therapist is working on stuff from my past because she feels that's where my problems today stem from. Funny how that works, huh?

So as I begin and continue to work with my therapists on years of trauma I still think about what I learned from death:

1. Life is short. What makes you happy? Are you doing it or trying to get there? If not, why? Life is short! Why waste it being unhappy or better yet - why waste it waiting? People tell me that my resume is one red flag after another because I have switched jobs frequently. But is it? There are reasons why I don't stay and sometimes it's because I know life is short, and that I don't have time to waste in a position that stalls out. Sorry not sorry.

2. Failure is inevitable, but not the end. I learned this more from the people that had died, than their deaths themselves. One of my friends battled with drug and alcohol abuse before being killed in a car crash. They were a free spirit and definitely lived their live by the beat of their own drum. I admired that. This didn't make them immune to struggle and through their failures they continued to prevail. You can do almost anything for a little while, but it doesn't have to be your forever. Keep trying because you don't know where it will lead you.

3. Relationships and the connections with others matter. How many times do we blow off plans because we're "busy"? I'm guilty of this. I've done it for a variety of reasons, but at the end of the day it can lead to regret. The next time you're invited somewhere - think about it! What is more important? Will you be able to do this ever again? Sometimes you need to stop and think before just turning an offer down. Make an effort to spend time with family and friends because you don't know what will happen. Like the quote says: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." 

4. Don't forget you. At different times we can get so caught up in everything going on around us that we forget about ourselves. Did you eat enough today? Did you drink enough water? Did you get enough sleep? Did you remember to take a minute to just breath? Our lives are so much in motion that sometimes in all of our obligations, responsibilities, and just the hustle and bustle we forget that we're people too. We can't help others and we can't take care of others if we are not there for ourselves. There are times when you should be selfish - and you need to be!

5. Don't stop. When you think you've had enough, keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up on yourself because someone or something isn't in your life anymore. Don't give up on yourself because you are struggling. You're important. You matter. If you are having difficulty seeing that ask for help. You might be surprised to see who is there for you when you need it.

Although there is pain and loss there is a lot you can take away from it. It can be a reminder and a motivator to continue on your path - whichever that may be. It will take time. Take the time that you need, but keep going.

Why I Don't Talk About My Mental Health at Work

So I've had a rough week. It's interesting seeing as I was on 'vacation' from Thursday at 5:00 pm last week to Tuesday at 9:00 am this week. I really need to know better than to think that a vacation at home when there are 12 people in my parents three bedroom home would do me any good. Let alone having to sleep in a recliner, my car, or the floor which was just a piece of the iceberg. As a 'fun' thing the paraprofessional appreciation banquet committee decided that the entire professional staff would perform a dance for the paraprofessional staff members. I cringed. I do not perform. I do not dance. However the tone from the leadership team regarding this was that it's mandatory; everyone has to participate. I tried putting every negative thought that was running through my head out of my mind. I decided that it was not going to be a big deal. I could do it. I would be fine.

I accepted the calendar invite for the practice. I was on board. I was going to do this. Then there was an update sent out. They had videoed the dance we were supposed to learn and perform in front of the staff. I watched both videos. During the first I was still trying to be optimistic. I told myself that there were a lot of staff members and that I would be fine. After the second video finished I was halfway into a panic attack. I was sweating, my heart racing, and my hands trembled. I can't do this. I knew it would be difficult for me, as this is not something I am comfortable with doing at all. Even when it was first mentioned I had trouble keeping my composure. So, before I had left for my aforementioned vacation I had sent an e-mail expressing some concerns with the upcoming paraprofessional appreciation banquet.

I knew it would not be well received. I knew stating that I could not participate because of anxiety would not go over well. However, I was not expecting the response that I got.

Now, don't get me wrong this seems to be a anomaly, but it did in fact still happen. I've taken a day to decompress and I'm still hurt and confused by it. As an educational moment I was told that the act of participating in the performance teaches me humility. Yes, I admit that I do not exactly understand the correlation. I asked to be excused because I knew that if I got up on stage and had to perform I would go into a full blown panic attack. I have not had one since I was in High School, but I have also not felt this way about a situation in a long time either. I might be wrong. I'm okay with that. You reading this may think I am being over-dramatic. I'm okay with that. I'm okay because this is what I have dealt with for years - being misunderstood by others. I have consistently been judged for things that I can not necessarily control. I know some triggers and I know ways to handle myself. I don't know everything though.

Part of the response I also got was that this is what Student Affairs is - we're the fun outgoing performers and it really grinds my gears. No. Not all of us are. Nor should we be pressured of forced to be. I am tired of being told how I am supposed to be and how I should be acting. I am my own person. I do my job. I also think I do it fairly well. I do not need to be on stage dancing in front of over 250 people to show humility. I am not superwoman - although sometimes I feel like I am because of all the stuff I actually do accomplish. I was asking to be excused because I have anxiety - something that I had not disclosed before. I was brave in sharing that as it was not easy for me to do so. I didn't need a warm fuzzy response; as I knew I would not get one, but I did need support.

I left the conversation feeling shamed and misunderstood. Yes, people can throw around words like anxiety and it no mean anything to them, but this is real for me. This just confirmed my fears. I can not be brave. I can not share. This is just one more time that without so many words I've been told and/or treated like there is something wrong with me. (Granted, I know there is, but it does not make me any less of a person.) Stop telling me I'm not good enough. Stop telling me that being different is bad. Stop telling me that because I am different I do not matter. You may not use words, but your tone, actions, and how you reply are all saying it to me. This is why I struggle. This is why I question my choices to stay. This is why I want to leave Student Affairs; we're a bunch of hypocrites who turn on anyone who is different and unlike us. SHAME ON US!

I'm doing the best that I can. I'm sorry that's not good enough for others.

Response to "On Alcohol and Student Affairs"

I spent my evening at two different programs that were going on in my residential area, but I was just spending some time unwinding by scrolling through Facebook afterward. Something jumped out at me as I went down the page. Two colleagues of mine had shared the same article. Of course this happens frequently, but it wasn't the usual new article. They were sharing a blog post written by another colleague, Becki Elkins entitled "On Alcohol and Student Affairs". It's a great personal story, but raised a lot of really good questions/points. I don't want to make this about my story, as I think Becki needs to be recognized for her strength in sharing this with us, but my response is a bit more personal.

See, I love this. I love what Becki wrote. I love what Becki shared. I don't think I love it for the same reasons that most others do, and that's fine. I love this because it brings light to an issue we seem to be blind to. Do we really need to host socials at bars? Do we need to have every event circulated around an alcoholic beverage? Why is there such a need to 'unwind' with a glass of wine or beer? Sure if you truly think that helps or works for you - more power to you. I just don't think it's needed. I haven't been to a national conference, but I don't believe my understanding of the social aspects is entirely wrong. There is a lot of drinking that happens there. Of course, there are a lot of people and most know their limits, but there are some who are overdue for a vacation and get carried away. How does this help us when bartenders, waiters, hotel staff witness this side? Yes, I know it's not everyone but it is still happening in our field. What do we do? How can we help those who need it?

I was at a bad place in my life early on in my career and used alcohol as a crutch. Taking a depressant while depressed doesn't do any good. I knew that from all of my training and educational courses, but I didn't care. I knew enough to drink at the right times and in the right locations, but I did indulge more than I should've. That lasted for at least a year. Then one day I just stopped. I decided that I was worth more than I was giving myself credit for and wanted to be able to do better for myself. I haven't had a drink since October 31, 2010. Sometimes I do want a drink. I know I could handle it. I wouldn't buy any to take home, but out to dinner or at a bar I could have a drink. I could do it. I would be okay.

Just as I thought about trying a drink again I was diagnosed with liver disease. I'm never allowed to drink again. Do you know how hard it is to get to know new people or make plans at a new job when everyone else wants to go to a bar? Sure, I can go. Sure I can drink something else. However, do you know how many times people ask me why I'm not drinking? Why does it matter? Why do we care so much about another's choice or reason? It's so much easier for me to just stay by myself than connect with others because I don't want to have to explain my story. I don't want to have to continue to let everyone know. They don't need to know. They don't need to ask, but they do. They always do.

So I ask:

• How do we support the people who fight these battles?
• What can we do to help?

I'd like to send a personal message to Becki - no, you are not alone. I may not need to attend meetings and I may not struggle with this addiction, but you are not alone. If we are ever at the same conference I will go to a meeting with you. I hate mornings, but I will be there with you because we all need more people working with us. 

Authenticity.

My Black Dog is a Monster

[Prologue: This has been a brewing post for about a week. I wasn't sure where it was going. I've deleted it and rewrote it a few times. I no longer care if it's worthwhile or not. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be shared.]

There's a YoutTube video that I watched months ago. I enjoyed it. It was a cartoon video explanation of what living with Depression is like. However, now I have an issue with the video. [You can view it below if you haven't seen it before.]


My issue: I don't have a black dog. I don't have a cute cuddly animal that I want to spend time with. I don't have something that I love. I don't have something that makes me happy. I don't have a black dog. I have watched the video before. Up until recently I enjoyed it. I have started to think about it more because I don't have a black dog. Why? Dogs are not something that I find terrifying, that I don't like, or that I don't want. I like dogs and this analogy just doesn't work for me anymore. The ending makes it sound so simple to train the black dog, but I don't have a black dog. If I had anything resembling a black dog it would be this:

Source: http://www.thedailytouch.com/georgina/the-science-of-my-life-harry-potter/

And even this is a little stretched because his name is Fluffy, he's from a children's story book, and he's easily subdued. However, most of the time if I had a black dog, he'd look just like this - snarling and ready to strike. I have a monster. A monster that isn't afraid of garlic, salt, the sun, or a full moon. A monster that creeps up without warning. A monster that gives no mercy. A monster that is so large it consumes me whole. I don't always know where the monster comes from or when it'll show it's head but he's there - always.

My monster can hit me like a ton of bricks - out of nowhere. I can be functioning perfectly fine on my own and then one day I just won't want to get out of bed. It's happened recently. He's back and he's not exactly cooperating, although he never really does because he answers to no one. For the past few weeks I have struggled. I have had mornings when I just didn't care about anything. I have had days where I don't want to get out of bed, and I surely don't want to have to leave my apartment or interact with other people. These thoughts are ones that have become more frequent. I have not succumbed to them entirely though; before I would have. I have pushed through. I have gotten out of bed. I have gotten dressed. I have gone to work. However, I don't know if that's the best option either. Do I force myself up and out and risk being irritable, short-tempered, and perhaps even down right mean to others? Or do I let it consume me for however long it'll stick around this time? There's no right answer because there are too many variables to account for. I can't take days off. I don't have the time. Instead I'm here. Fragile and withdrawn. Don't get too close, I don't know how I'll react. My emotions are on a high speed roller coaster and I'm not at the control panel.I don't know when they'll creep up a steep slope, crash down, or throw me for a complete loop.

I'm not asking for your pity. I'm not asking for your advice. I'm surely not asking for you to care. I'm just letting you know that just because we've stopped talking about it doesn't mean that I've stopped dealing with it.

Authenticity.

Awakening

This isn't about you. This isn't about me. It's about the students we so vocally say we advocate for. Working for 2.5 years at a community college really opened my eyes to the other side of Higher Education. The students I worked with were dealing with so many obstacles that makes you be grateful for what you have. How do we help students who are homeless when not living in the residence halls? Where do they go when the halls close and they can't stay? What about the students who can't go home because of a poor family environment? How do we help students who are unable to buy clothes for an interview? These are issues I helped them face. These are the issues that I was drawn to help fix when I was majoring in Social Work and Counseling as an undergrad. I miss this work. I miss being empathetic. I miss being someone who resolved issues. I miss feeling like my work mattered. Why do I feel like we've turned into corporate America? College and Universities are businesses, but without students where do we stand? Students are our jobs. Yet we somehow are so enthralled by people who are unlike us that we lose this focus.

And oddly enough, as I was typing this post I saw this pop up on my Facebook newsfeed - my sentiments exactly! [Quote courtesy of Shigeo James Iwamiya]

Post by Tim Lade.

So where did this begin? Well The Student Affairs Blog posted a tweet on Saturday that started a conversation among some professionals and myself.

CURIOUS: Are Saturdays off for dressing up your way or for getting comfy? #SAchat
— Student Affairs (@The_SA_Blog) March 29, 2014

I responded that any day not in the office was a dress down day. Others brought up the new buzz word "authenticity" and dressing how they do because of who they are. I also said that my idea of comfy is a hoodie and gym shorts, which is not the acceptable attire for most offices in Student Affairs. I don't agree with this. I don't see why we set a dress code or limits on professionals. I don't get why we will push our students to be themselves, but yet we are sterile and rigid when it comes to staff. If I want blue hair, a body covered in tattoos, and piercings - why can't I be seen as professional? If I come to work in a hoodie and gym shorts how does that affect my ability to do my job? Do you think students look at what we wear and judge us as professional or not? Do you honestly think that they even notice? Sure, if you make a drastic change in your usual attire they might, but other than that (as long as you're dressed) they could care less. So why does it matter? Yep, it's because we have to dress to impress our colleagues. We have to dress to impress our supervisors. We have to dress to impress our institution's leadership team. But why? Why is this something that has to happen? Why do we have to separate ourselves? What does our clothing have to do with our jobs? Do you need to wear a suit to be in power or is it to feel powerful? Why are we so concerned with separating ourselves from our students? Why must there be such a divide? But it's not about separating ourselves; it's about being professional you say? What makes it professional? Who defines that?

My worth is not based on the clothes I wear.

My worth is not based on my gender.

My worth is not based on my race.

My worth is not based on my sexuality.

My worth is not based on my education. 

My worth is not based on your perception or opinion of me.

(I hate the phrase "perception is reality." We need to stop using that scapegoat. Can we bring back "don't judge a book by it's cover" instead?)

I admit, this is a trigger for me. I have recognized it as such; although it took a little while for me to do so. See, I didn't grow up in suburban middle-class America. I didn't grow up in a stable household. I am the product of unwed twenty something's that were never together during my lifetime. I am the product of the Welfare Nation. I grew up with Salvation Army Christmases. My mother consistently worked more than one job at a time to provide us the little she was able to. When a natural disaster took our home we had nothing. We spent 18 months being homeless. We spent many nights eating peanut butter and jelly saltine cracker sandwiches. (One reason why it took me years to be able to eat peanut butter again.) We finally were able to get on our feet enough to find a new home. It was hardly a home though. I know struggle. I know hard times. I'm not better than anyone else, and I'm not trying to be. What I am trying to do is to get people thinking - thinking about your actions and your words. When you judge another for their appearance, what does that say about yourself?

What we continue to say is that if you don't look like us, you can't be one of us. Well guess what - you're bullying. You're sitting there in your tower of privilege and telling people what is and isn't acceptable. You're telling others that they aren't good enough and maybe that they'll never be good enough. I was bullied for most of my life. At home I was told that I never should've been born. At school I was told that I was fat, stupid, and poor. I was fat. I was poor. I didn't deserve to be treated badly because of it. I didn't get new school clothes, and if I did they were definitely not name brand items. I grew up at a time when there were no clothes for fat girls. I shopped mostly in the boys/men's departments. I was made fun of for it. I was taunted and laughed at. I was seen as an outcast among my peers. I didn't fit in with the other girls. I was bullied for the clothes I wore then. This is my trigger. I do not need to be told I am not good enough by colleagues who do not know my story. I should not be bullied or judged because my professional attire does not fit into your standards. Maybe when I am making a living wage I'll be able to afford the nice suits and business attire, but until then you should just be happy that I am wearing clothes at all. Can we also take a minute to realize that entry level professionals do not have the same luxuries as those in mid-level or senior level? Even being a live-in professional can be financially difficult. We all have our own stories. We all have our own hardships. Stop. Think. What you say and how you say it matters. Is there someone in your office who might not be dressing to your standards? Ask yourself, "why is that their problem?" and "why does this matter to you?" because this really is your issue, no theirs.

I don't agree with it. I don't believe we should be putting our efforts into each other's wardrobes and appearances. We are here to do a job. I can do my job. I can do my job even better if I didn't have to worry about who's going to judge me next. Clothes do not make the person. I don't think this is where our energy should lie. We don't have to look the same. We don't have to think the same, and I prefer that we didn't. Although, I usually am the one on the outside looking in because I'm not one who goes with the flow. I don't sit idly by and march with the lemmings. I never was one to do that. I have questions. I have ideas. I have beliefs that I will continue to follow. I'm not asking everyone to be like me, but what I will do is ask you why is it so difficult to accept others for being different than you? I hope we stop bullying. I hope that we stop telling people they're not good enough.

Yes, the beast is awake and I don't really think she needs to hibernate anymore.

Is this authentic enough for you?

Hold on to your seat - I'm just getting started.

NASPA 2014 - A Virtual Experience

I had grand plans this year. I wanted it to be the first time I attended a national conference. Seeing as NASPA was in Baltimore, MD I thought I would have a better chance going there, but as my luck would have it that didn't work out. I then found out about the groundbreaking NASPA Virtual Conference that they were going to roll out this year. My love of technology, student affairs, professional development, and being an introvert - this seemed like it would be perfect!

I had a lot of questions leading up to the conference, but thankful to the NASPA staff and NASPA TKC volunteers (got it right this time!) for answering them all for me. One of the major items I needed to know was if I could view session after they aired. I had to participate in a few GA phone interviews on both Monday and Tuesday which would make me miss a few sessions. I was happy to find out that we would be able to review sessions.

So how exactly did it go? Well here's a short timeline, as it was only a three day experience anyway.

Day One: NASPA 2014

The Opening Session started with a great ceremony on Sunday, March 16, 2014 at 5:00pm. It was a very entertaining opening with multiple performances. After performances the featured speaker Wes Moore spoke. I enjoyed his story and what he brought to the table. One of the statements, that most people ended up tweeting, was about how just getting a degree doesn't matter unless you have experiences to back it up and know why you got it. Overall I found very energized from seeing the Opening Session and was ready for Day 2.

What I learned/enjoyed from Day 1:

• I didn't have to worry about the Baltimore snow storm as I was cozy sitting on my couch.
• Two other professionals I had connected with through Twitter were also participating in the virtual conference (Lynn Ellison and Jennifer Keegin)
• NASPA TKC volunteers are very knowledgeable and great to work with. Thanks to all of them!
• This was the largest NASPA conference with about 6000 on site attendees and 120 participating in the virtual experience.

Some good tweets that were shared (yep, I included one of my own):

"Higher Ed is not defined by your transcript... It boils down to one question: who will you fight for when it really matters?" #NASPA14
— NASPA (@NASPAtweets) March 16, 2014

"There are many 'Wes Moores' in our schools and communities who are one decision away from greatness or disaster." #NASPA14
— NASPA (@NASPAtweets) March 16, 2014

"So much of our education will never simply be about academics but how we collaborate & support each other" @WesMoore1 #NASPAtweets
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 16, 2014

Tomorrow is not promised. While we are here let's push, demand and serve! #WesMoore #NASPA14
— Deb Schmidt-Rogers (@DSchmidtRogers) March 16, 2014

I absolutely love this. #aaws14 pic.twitter.com/cHI2DHq2Fs 

— Amma Marfo (@ammamarfo) March 16, 2014 

You can also check out the NASPA blog post for Baltimore Journal Day One.

NASPA 2014 - Day One: Opening Session

Day Two: NASPA 2014 (on location)

Today I had to participate in some GA phone interviews from the Campus Living Office. I was up at 7:00 a.m. so I could get ready, drive to our North campus, and set up shop to be able to tune into the conference when it started. I arrived on North Campus before the office was open and ended up sitting in the Housing Operations Office across the hall. The day started of with a Featured Speaker Session. Debra Humphreys spoke about student success and learning. I also attended these sessions for day two (missing one):

1. Beyond the ADA: Inclusive Policy and Practice for Students with Disabilities in Higher Education
2. Featured Speaker - Freeman Hrabowski, President, University of Maryland - Baltimore County
3. Higher Education Act reauthorization: What it means to public universities and student affairs
4. Ready to Face the Media: Strategies to Employ During Crisis
5. 5 More Things: A Dialogue on Supporting Postsecondary Success for Men of Color

What I learned/enjoyed from Day 2:

• SA folk REALLY like their coffee. Long lines at the Starbucks in Baltimore. 
• I had no issues with my Keurig at home.
• Following the back channel on Twitter allowed for me to check out sessions not available in the virtual format.
• There are some REALLY great and talented professionals in our field. I'm more and more amazed by what others have done and are doing.
• The Live Chat in sessions for virtual attendees added to the session. Lots of good ideas and information was shared there too.
• Live-in professional staff members at private OR public institutions are covered by the ADA for service animals. How does your institution measure up?
• HUD 504 doesn't differentiate between live-in staff & students when it comes to comfort animals.
• I met a new professional during the Q&A panel discussion. Hello AJ Duxbury!
• One of my mentors (Shigeo Iwamiya) still amazes me.
• On site attendees really love Jimmy Johns = extra long lines during lunch.
• Not an issue in my kitchen.
• NASPA's "5 Things" report can be found here.
• I felt very comfortable during my virtual conference experience - my 'I' was fully charged and raring to go!
• There were little to no issues with being a virtual attendee. Some great suggestions on improvements were shared and I'm actually excited to see what happens for next year.

Some good tweets (yes a lot are mine):

"Intellectual and practical skills need to be developed together" @debrahumphreys via #NASPA14
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 17, 2014

"Employers prioritize innovation and transferable skills" @debrahumphreys via #NASPA14 pic.twitter.com/GxiLrsfK6F
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 17, 2014

"Takes more than a major, and takes more than a piece of paper." @debrahumphreys via #NASPA14 pic.twitter.com/YnTdj03VD0
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 17, 2014

'Who invested in you? Who invests in your everyday? And who will you invest in?' POWERFUL @annmarieklotz #naspa14
— Brittany Story (@BStory112) March 17, 2014

What does a president "look like?" Trying to answer that question in the search can sometimes weed out good, smart, valuable people #NASPA14
— Amma Marfo (@ammamarfo) March 17, 2014

Take regular skill inventories. Know where you're strong, know what you need to learn. Then reach to learn those things. #NASPA14
— Amma Marfo (@ammamarfo) March 17, 2014

"Most campuses are so turf orientated that you still have silos. We need to be in this together!" Freeman Hrabowski #NASPA14
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 17, 2014

"When male students of color doesn't see themselves in an office/organizations they don't see a place where they belong." #NASPA14
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 17, 2014

A #naspa14 tip: Exchanged business cards? Write down where you met & follow up info so you don't forget back home! pic.twitter.com/Xgqkw8hC3P

— renee piquette dowdy (@reneepdowdy) March 17, 2014

You can also check out the NASPA blog post for Baltimore Journal Day Two.

Added a jacket too!

Bringing a little St. Patrick's Day style to NASPA virtual Experience

NASPA 2014 - Day Two: On location [UB North Campus Housing Operations/Campus Living Offices]

Day Two: NASPA 2014 Pj's to Business attire

I woke up late thinking I had missed the first session and realized that it didn't actually start until 8:45. I also missed the two afternoon sessions because I had to travel again for a GA phone interview. However, I was not disappointed in today's sessions. I thought I had a favorite session today, but as I sit here typing this I realized that it's harder to choose one then I thought. I would say that I really enjoyed the session on Title IX because it's an area I want to develop in more. It was nice hearing about Veteran's Affairs because I had quite a bit of experience with veterans at my previous institution. I enjoyed the panel discussion on graduate programs. Being one who didn't attend a traditional program it was nice to hear them discuss distant learning and online programs. "Climbing the Ladder to CHO/SSAO" was a good session to bring things into perspective. As I am in the process on mapping out my next career move, this session gave me a lot to think about. The official session titles of the day are as follows (again I am missing two):

• So You Want to Be the Boss--Climbing the Ladder to CHO/SSAO
• The Future of Title IX: How your campus should prepare for the inclusion of gender identity and expression
• Building supportive student veteran communities on college and university campuses: Innovative and effective strategies that work
• Featured Panel - The Future of Student Affairs Graduate Preparation Program with Larry Roper and Patricia Whitely as moderators

What I learned/enjoyed from Day 3:

• Challenges for veterans on college/university campuses #NASPA14 pic.twitter.com/yYeI2fWnA9 — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 18, 2014

• "Having a veterans office isn't enough. Knowledge should be in offices across campus: Admissions, Res Life, etc" 
• When a student identifies as a veteran, they shouldn't be pushed right to the veteran affairs office. LISTEN to their question 1st.
• There isn't a ladder, it's a lattice - you can move up or across.
• As you move up, it's important to look in. Why do you want to move up? Why do you stay in the field?" Shana Meyer

• 8 keys to success for helping veterans #NASPA14 pic.twitter.com/gT6C16H18e
  — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 18, 2014

• In the next decade 2 million veterans will be entering colleges and universities."
• "If you don't have a mentor now is the time to DEVELOP one.Best way to develop one is w/ someone you know & trust." Shana Meyer
• "Fears,Successes, Questions" CHO-SSAO #NASPA14 pic.twitter.com/cUuLYjs2JY

— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 18, 2014

• For trans* residents: Private spaces cannot be the ONLY option & it should not cost more/burden them
• If a trans* male student wants to join a Fraternity, he needs to be allowed because he identifies as male. This is the same for a trans* female who wants to join a sorority.
• "What does success look like? Sometimes it's just getting people in the room."

Some good tweets that were shared:

"Student Affairs is a life long learning profession." Pat Whitely #NASPA14
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 18, 2014

Masters level we want to shape character and set #sagrads up for life long learning #naspa14
— Josie Ahlquist (@josieahlquist) March 18, 2014

We need to reframe the balance thing, ask yourself, am I where I need to be? When at work be at work, when w/ family, be w/ family #NASPA14
— Beth Moriarty (@bethmoriarty) March 18, 2014

The core apparatus of #studentaffairs rests on a solid foundation of brick/mortar. What are we doing to serve online-only learners? #NASPA14
— Eric Stoller (@EricStoller) March 18, 2014

In the military everyone is part of a team, on campus they are all alone #NASPA14
— Chelsea O'Brien (@ChelseaMDO) March 18, 2014

Using the movie 300 to show good supervision: "No, u don't have to die for ur staff, but be willing to get in the trenches w/ them" #NASPA14
— Sarah Shields (@SarahShieldsy) March 18, 2014

Interesting thought: When you set your supervisor up for success you set yourself up for success. Via @warkent #naspa14
— Melissa Robertson (@melpels) March 18, 2014

Supervisor should give feedback & teach a supervisee when needed; don't just jump in/save them otherwise you reward incompetence. #NASPA14
— Ray Tennison (@raytennison) March 18, 2014

You can also check out the NASPA blog post for Baltimore Journal Day Three.

NASPA 2014 - Day Three: PJs on the couch

And then to North Campus for a GA Phone Interview

Business attire acquired.

Overall thoughts on this experience

I do believe that this virtual conference option was FANTASTIC! It allowed a lot of professionals to attend the conference and participate through a more cost friendly option. Today while in sessions and participating in the Live Chats I saw a lot of people who were watching with colleagues or full offices. This really does open up the possibility for so many more professionals to get the information than ever before. I also enjoyed being able to attend a session and follow other sessions on the back channel through Twitter. However, I did feel that I was not able to tweet as much as I normally do while at conferences or presentations. Though I am not too upset about this as I was able to screen shot slides during sessions and share them. I believe that was more beneficial. Would I want to change things? Yes. NASPA and the Technology Knowledge Community did a fantastic job pulling this all together, I do believe some things can be improved for next year and for years to come. Some of the issues that need to be addressed are as follows:

• Seeing people logged in is great, but not being able to see if they are active in the Networking Lounge (chat) or the session you are currently in doesn't work. If I knew who was in the sessions with me I would have talked to them more and been able to network during the conference. I met two new people, plus some of the TKC volunteers.
• Session options. There was a variety of sessions available to the virtual audience, but if we could choose from a larger pool I think that would be great. I know not every session can be part of the virtual conference, but I feel that it would've been nice to have more options. For the most part there was just one session during each time slot to participate in. The only time it was doubled up was when there was a featured speaker or panel.
• Hybrid registration. An option to attend both onsite and virtually. Yes, this may not be a hot commodity,but you never know how many people would choose this option it it was available. I sense a poll coming on...
• [UPDATE 3/19/14] Questions. One of the only problems I feel that we ran into being a part of the virtual conference was that when it came time for questions at the end of a session we usually didn't have time to have ours asked/answered. Our questions were screened before being able to be presented to the panel/speaker. A lot of onsite people stood up during questions time and just made comments. Granted they were good, it just took time away for us who didn't have a chance to later speak with the presenters onsite.
• Screen onsite questions to make sure it's a question before allowing them to speak. (Sounds harsh, but it serves a purpose!)
• Manage the time better during the presentation; maybe a 5-10 minute warning light for questions to start and then the red over limit light?
• Have the TKC volunteer go first to ask the questions from the virtual audience before onsite people have a chance.

And there you have it. See, not really too much to change! I do believe that if I make it to NASPA15 I may even register for the virtual conference too (see Hybrid registration above). Why? Because I think you get the best of both worlds! As a virtual conference attendee we have access to the materials for 30 days! How many times can I watch the videos, share with colleagues, and have discussions on my campus in 30 days? I'm thinking a lot. It also allows for more opportunities to go to different onsite sessions if you know you can catch one virtually later. Just my thoughts on the matter. :) 

Here's to next year: NASPA 2015 in New Orleans, LA

Supervision: A Work in Progress

I have supervised many staffs in my career as a Residence Life and Housing Professional. I have supervised various size staffs, staffs with different strengths and weaknesses, and even staffs from various institutional settings. I have learned a lot in these experiences. However, one of the areas in which I had no supervision experience was when it came to graduate students or professional staff. I knew that in my next position I needed to look at jobs that would give me the experience to supervise either a graduate student or a professional staff member in order to be able to advance in my career. I did it. In my current position I supervise a part-time professional staff member (Assistant Hall Director) and we co-supervise the paraprofessional staff. It was a hard transition. I believe I have managed to execute the dual roles well, but am never quite sure I am doing enough. After all, my goal is to be in a mid-level management role within the next few years.

Over the holiday break I reflected on this a lot. Probably more than anyone else would have, as it was the holidays and who wants to think about work constantly? However, I actually got excited about it. The more I reflected, the more I was able to create a plan of action for the upcoming semester. I didn't exactly think I hit it out of the park in my first semester with new supervisory expectations, but I was not completely sure I was doing that well either.

At the beginning of this week while in my office, that I actually share with my AHD, she asked if I had a to-do list for her. I was still climbing out of the mound of voicemails and e-mails I needed to respond to so at the time I had to say no. Though I knew that I would be out of the office for a few days attending a mini conference and a training session so I didn't ignore her request. I sat down and came up with a very short to-do list. The following is the small list that I had come up with.

Please work on the following tasks:
·         A list of 5 professional goals you want to accomplish this semester.
·         A strategy for adjudicating judicial hearings in a two week time period (letters, meetings, sanctions issued).
·         Choose 5 items from the Professional Growth and Development Checklist to complete this semester. (attached)
·         Create a list of things that you would like to discuss or do with the RAs this semester.
·         Create a list of areas you need me to improve on as a supervisor.
·         Start work on your position binder.
These can be works in progress but some things that I’d like to see you thinking about.

I knew that if I wanted to get better I needed to know exactly what areas of my supervision I was lacking. I have asked my paraprofessional staff this throughout the semester in their one-on-one meetings with me. I did get useful feedback from a few of them, but most had nothing to say. During my self-reflection I decided I needed to ask the question that most people find difficult to do; I needed to ask for feedback from my AHD. So I did. (I also asked about her because I want to make sure that we focus on a few more professional development items for her this semester.)

Today I attended a mid-level management training that was newly developed in our department this year. We had some Student Affairs professionals from other institutions come present on mid-level management topics, and we also invited some professionals from our campus to speak during a round table. One of the pieces of advice that was given during the round table was to elicit feedback from your staff. I must admit, I was quite proud of myself for already being on top of that. However, I had not received the feedback yet. I had a conversation with one of the Associate Director's in my department after the training had ended and mentioned that I had done this. After the training ended I stopped in my office to do some follow-up on a few items because I had been out of the office for the day. I was pleasantly surprised to see that my AHD had completed some items on the to-do list and sent me her feedback in an e-mail.

Supervisor Areas of Improvement:I really just sat here for an hour thinking about this and I can’t really think of anything you need to improve on. You’re very supportive with my job search and active in helping me prepare for it. You communicate with me about staff and resident issues in a timely manner. You provide constructive feedback when necessary, send me opportunities for professional development and growth, support my mental health concerns, and acknowledge that I’m a student first. I think if there’s one area you need to improve in, it’s getting out of the office before 11pm every night!  

I read that and can't help but be happy. Apparently, I’m doing better than I thought I was; not that I thought I was doing poorly, but it’s better to know than continue to disservice someone else. I’m going to incorporate asking for feedback into my one on one’s with her at least monthly. Supervision is the one area in which I have felt I could use/needed growth at the start of this year, and I'm not going to completely dismiss improving on it entirely. So, why is this important? Well, how many of you seek feedback other than during times of evaluations? I do think people are uncomfortable with the idea of asking and yes sometimes being asked for feedback is too, but how will we ever improve if we don't? I'm refocused and re-energized for the semester to begin. I feel like I've created a new outlook and am optimistic about where this will lead. I encourage others to let go of the fear - you never know until you ask.

This means something to me.

An expectation of my current position is that my colleagues and I create multiple programs each semester based on diversity, sustainability, and community service. Last week I was the lead on an immersion program that focused on diversity; an adaptation of Archie Bunker's Neighborhood. It was actually a great success. We are also working on an event to bring awareness to Hunger and Homelessness by trying to plan a "One Night Without a Home" event at the end of National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week. I brought this idea forward. I was excited to get the chance to work on something like this again, as I had supported Resident Assistants at University of Pittsburgh-Greensburg when I was working there as a Graduate Resident Director. When I was at Pitt-Greensburg we didn't orchestrate a large event like "One Night Without a Home", but it's something that I've always been interested in trying to make happen.

This is something that I was working on. This is something that I wanted to happen. During some of the planning meetings with my colleagues were trying to decide how this program was going to work, what we were going to provide, what students could bring. I wanted to try to be as realistic as possible. I didn't want students to bring cell phones. I didn't want students to bring ipods/radios/etc. I didn't want to really allow for too many amenities that take away from the experience. I got resistance. We're in Buffalo, NY in November.  I get it. We need to think about the safety of the students. I get it. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I would like them to have an experience to think about. I don't like fluff. I don't like glossing over hard topics. This means something to me.

Sitting in the planning meetings it was hard to not speak up. It was difficult to just nod my head and wave the white flag. I wasn't ready to share. I didn't want to share. I didn't want to go into the details right then, right there. I get it now. I thought about how the last planning meeting went and what I was holding back from saying. I get it now. I understand why this means something to me.

I was homeless.

I was homeless.

I was homeless.

January 19, 1996 a flood devastated my town. Just two years prior my town was also struck by disaster; another flood, one in which I almost lost my life, but that's a whole other story. January 19, 1996, this date is stuck in my brain. Throughout the flood my family and I were in our house; second floor duplex. I watched our car that was parked out front get swept by our house. I watched our brick garage collapse. I watched other people's belongings go down stream. I watched my town become a raging river. These are things I remember vividly. We stayed in our home until the water subsided later into the evening. We were rescued by neighbors who drove a backhoe to our front porch and scooped us to safety. We had nowhere to go. We were homeless. We were renting our home from the church we belonged to. We had been renting the same house since 1987. I don't recall the details but one of the jobs my Mom had was as a cook for the only restaurant in town. The owner and my Mom's boss allowed us to move into a room on her second floor. A family from our church who owed a very large house allowed us to keep belongings that we didn't lose in their basement. For 9 months my mother, my sister, and myself lived in a single room. We shared one full size bed, one in which I would usually get kicked out of and slept on the floor because I moved and kicked in my sleep too much. For 9 months we lived in a single room. I was lucky that I was in school because I could count on getting a meal. I was lucky that sometimes my school bus would arrive at school early enough so that I could eat breakfast, these days I loved. For 9 months most of my dinners were made of peanut butter and jelly on saltines. Our luck changed slightly. We were still homeless, but we seemed to be moving up in the world. The family that owned the backhoe had an unfinished basement that wasn't really being used, we were welcomed in their space so we had a little more room. We moved our belongings we had with us from the single room above the restaurant that my mother worked in to an unfinished basement in the home of family friends. We were still homeless. The family had a pull out couch in the basement. My mother and sister slept on the couch, I slept on the couch cushions on the concrete floor. We were homeless, but we at least felt like we had a place to call home for now. For another 9 months we were homeless. My mother worked 3-4 jobs during this time to try and support us to find a new place to live. We were homeless for a total of 18 months. Things didn't automatically get better. With all that my mother was able to save we purchased an old 1960's trailer. During the time that we owned the trailer the back half of the electrical system went and to get power into the master bedroom, which my sister and I shared, we had to run industrial extension cord. This is how we got power to the bathroom too. During the time we owned that home anytime it rained we would have a waterfall in the middle of our living room. This home wasn't perfect. It's not what most people would call a home, but it was ours and we made it the best we could.

This program isn't to be a mockery. This program is to bring awareness. We hoped to educate students. I hoped to get them thinking about what some people go through. I want to challenge them. I want to see how this makes them feel. I want to see their thought process. I want it to me something to them because this means something to me.

I'm asking too much.

National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week is November 16-24