Why I started therapy

Although I had talked to my primary care physician (PCP) about my depression and had tried a variety of medications I never went to a therapist. I sought out a therapist during the time I was being treated under the care of my PCP, but when I met with a woman for the intake she explained my insurance coverage to me. It would be $20 per visit to go. I had already been struggling financially with trying to make ends meet, pay bills, and keep up with student loans. I didn't see where therapy fit and it was difficult for me. I also am not sure that I was ready at the time.

This past May I had a very rough period. It was almost a full two weeks that was completely destroying me. Granted work didn't make it any easier. I was going through the process of ending the semester, closing my building, and transitioning into summer. It was a new process and new procedure for me to learn. All the change was overwhelming and I know I wasn't really in the best of states before it all snowballed together. For that time my thoughts were scattered and I had difficulty in almost every aspect of my life. My mind was filled with thoughts constantly and the most prevalent one was that I just wanted to cease to exist. No, I didn't want to kill myself nor harm myself - I just didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. I was done.

But how can you be down when you have 16 staff members looking for you for guidance, help, and support? It was awful. I continued to try and do my job, but I knew I wasn't really being there for some staff that needed me and my presence more than others and it was difficult. One day I had had enough. I sat down and searched mental disorders. I wasn't convinced that I was just depressed. It had to be something else. It had to be something more. I had never struggled like this before and I was scared. Along with searching up disorders I started looking for therapists. I was past the breaking point - I broke. I had had serious thoughts about checking myself into the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know who could help.

I searched and searched local therapists, but I had no idea how to pick one. So to defer having to go through that I called my insurance company to find out my coverage. I was covered. I had a $20 copay for 20 visits, but after that I would need to get a referral. I didn't care. At this point $20 was worth it. So it was back to square one on trying to locate a therapists. I called numerous places. No answer. Or I was greeted with a voice mail.

A voice mail? I'm not leaving you a voice mail. What do I say? Where do I begin? No no no. I am certainly not doing that! So I kept trying. I finally reached a person and decided to schedule an appointment. The first they would be able to see me was July 1st. JULY 1st! It was May and I was going through the roughest patch I have ever faced - how can I make it to July 1st? I scheduled an appointment but kept trying to find other therapists - I needed to be seen as soon as possible. Before I could locate and call another office I received a call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone. It was a woman asking me if I had called her number previously. I was a little confused but then realized that I had. It was a number listed on one of the therapists information websites. I was shocked. She called me because I didn't leave a message. So we talked. I explained that I was going through a difficult time and needed to see a therapist, she set me up with her office number and told me to schedule something. The number I had called was her cellphone. I called the office and was able to set an appointment up for the next day. I've been going to therapy since then. I have missed two weeks due to a professional conference and vacation, but my therapist is a phone call away if I need her. This week we will be starting EMDR therapy. I have no idea what it's going to be like, but after the past few visits I know it's going to change everything - maybe not tomorrow, but as time goes on it will. Part of going to therapy has really made me realize how much other stuff I have been carrying around with me and it's about time I deal with it.

This week my $20 copay is going to overdraw my bank account, but I can't afford not to go - my life depends on it.

It's time for me to take care of me.

I come first.

What We Learn From Death

So I went and saw "The Fault in Our Stars" this evening. I didn't originally want to. I went back and forth on it for some time, but since it was $5 Tuesdays at the theater I decided it was worth it. See, I didn't read the book so I wasn't sure if that would be a good or bad thing. However, before walking into the theater and buying my ticket I had already guessed the ending - I was right, by the way, but I'm not saying what my thoughts were to spare people from any spoilers.

It was sad. I did cry. However it really wasn't the movie by itself that had me react in this way. By the time I started college I had attended ten funerals, all of which were for friends I had in High School. No, they didn't have cancer. Most of them died from car crashes and one from suicide. It was a very dreary time for what people refer to as someone's formative years. I was surrounded by death and I learned from it.

How do we learn from death? How do we shape ourselves after a heartache and so much grief and pain? I don't think there is one complete answer. To me it really comes down to the person and what it best for them. For me it varied. I found strength in the pain. I found ambition and drive. I found that I couldn't let it get the best of me - and that was the hardest. Coping with loss for anyone is difficult, but coping when you suffer from depression can be near impossible. Sometimes I was able to handle it better, but sometimes it was much more difficult. I started therapy three weeks ago, and the funny thing about that is my therapist is working on stuff from my past because she feels that's where my problems today stem from. Funny how that works, huh?

So as I begin and continue to work with my therapists on years of trauma I still think about what I learned from death:

1. Life is short. What makes you happy? Are you doing it or trying to get there? If not, why? Life is short! Why waste it being unhappy or better yet - why waste it waiting? People tell me that my resume is one red flag after another because I have switched jobs frequently. But is it? There are reasons why I don't stay and sometimes it's because I know life is short, and that I don't have time to waste in a position that stalls out. Sorry not sorry.

2. Failure is inevitable, but not the end. I learned this more from the people that had died, than their deaths themselves. One of my friends battled with drug and alcohol abuse before being killed in a car crash. They were a free spirit and definitely lived their live by the beat of their own drum. I admired that. This didn't make them immune to struggle and through their failures they continued to prevail. You can do almost anything for a little while, but it doesn't have to be your forever. Keep trying because you don't know where it will lead you.

3. Relationships and the connections with others matter. How many times do we blow off plans because we're "busy"? I'm guilty of this. I've done it for a variety of reasons, but at the end of the day it can lead to regret. The next time you're invited somewhere - think about it! What is more important? Will you be able to do this ever again? Sometimes you need to stop and think before just turning an offer down. Make an effort to spend time with family and friends because you don't know what will happen. Like the quote says: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." 

4. Don't forget you. At different times we can get so caught up in everything going on around us that we forget about ourselves. Did you eat enough today? Did you drink enough water? Did you get enough sleep? Did you remember to take a minute to just breath? Our lives are so much in motion that sometimes in all of our obligations, responsibilities, and just the hustle and bustle we forget that we're people too. We can't help others and we can't take care of others if we are not there for ourselves. There are times when you should be selfish - and you need to be!

5. Don't stop. When you think you've had enough, keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up on yourself because someone or something isn't in your life anymore. Don't give up on yourself because you are struggling. You're important. You matter. If you are having difficulty seeing that ask for help. You might be surprised to see who is there for you when you need it.

Although there is pain and loss there is a lot you can take away from it. It can be a reminder and a motivator to continue on your path - whichever that may be. It will take time. Take the time that you need, but keep going.