Quality of Life: Live-In Staff [Live-in Partners]

In increasing numbers states are passing new legislation that is making marriage possible for all, no matter the individuals identified gender. How does this affect Higher Education?

Since I started as a professional I have been single. It's never been a question during interviews whether or not the institution offers professionals with the opportunity to have another adult live with them. As an undergraduate I saw the live-in professionals with their significant others or spouses and never questioned it. Why would I? Why would I think that adults would not be able to live with someone that they loved and had committed to?

I never really paid attention to it. I wasn't interested in falling in love and starting that "next chapter" of my life. I wanted to get an education. I wanted to find a job. I wanted a career.

Now as I close in on the end of my twenties and start seeing friends and relatives my age begin to "settle down", I think about these things a little more. I'm more aware of relationships. I'm also more aware that just because you are seen as a responsible adult, that doesn't mean that in your career you can always have the traditional/common luxuries that everyone else does.

As a live-in professional there are three types of situations, or at least there are three that I can identify:

• Married
• Engaged/Long-term commitment
• Dating/Long-term commitment

Let's discuss these a little closer:

Married:

• You've done it! You tied the knot. You started the next chapter. You're in it for the long haul. You're committed...or one of the many other common sayings about marriage. Congratulations! I have not come across an institution that denies a married professional from living in a residence hall on campus. I haven't really searched either, but I find that there'd be a whole lot of legal mess if they didn't allow it. So you can live with your significant other, you can do your job, you can continue with your career.

Engaged/Long-term commitment:

• You met someone. You fell in love. You've both chosen each other as "the one". Congratulations! Though just because you have committed to each other, it doesn't mean institutions have to recognize that and allow for you to live in a residence hall together. It is a little more common now because there is no Federal law allowing equal marriage rights to everyone...[yet], and not all states have passed their own laws yet. However, it may take a little bit of searching, if you are, for a new position that the new institution would have a policy for it.

Dating/Long-term commitment:

• You met someone. You fell in love. You both may or may not have chosen each other as "the one". You are committed to each other, but may not be ready for engagement or marriage. Maybe you don't want to get married? I believe this is where it gets even more difficult. Institutions in states that have not passed marriage equality laws may still have domestic partner policies or live-in partner policies, but I have found less and less of those.

As a profession do we not talk about modeling good behaviors? Do we not discuss being good role models? Why is it that if someone is good enough to be hired and trusted as a live-in/live-on professional whose responsibility it is to make sound and rationale decisions is it then not allowed for them to be trusted to choose a quality live-in partner? If our professional life decisions are acceptable, why aren't our personal life decisions?

Before, the hot topic was work/life balance, but now people are talking about work/life integration. Do people forget about live-in professionals when they come up with these things? I love what I do. I love living in the residence hall and being a part of the community. I love the after hours conversations that I have with students. I love that there are times when they tell you that you've made a difference - maybe just in their day, week, month, year, but sometimes it's in their entire life. A small thank you speaks volumes to me. I love what I do. I'm not ready to quit. I don't want to quit. But I'm also not ready to move on from my current level of profession. Although I have five years of experience as a entry-level Resident Director, I don't believe it's the same experience as an entry-level RD at a large institution. My background is primarily at small private liberal arts colleges - which I've loved, don't get me wrong - but I don't have the experience of dealing with a paraprofessional staff of more than eight Resident Assistants. I don't have the experience of supervising a Graduate Assistant. I don't feel I would be prepared for an Assistant Director role. Could I do it? I believe so. I just don't believe the overall quality would be great. I don't want to put out poor quality stuff!

So here I am; at the end of my 20's, recent graduate of a Master's program, trying to navigate my next move. Where do I go from here? I haven't exactly figured that one out yet, but I do know - even as a single woman - that in my next position I want to know that I have the option of having someone I love live with me. I want to know that if I find someone, I don't have to wait. I want to know that I can have a career and I can have a personal life. Why must that include marriage? What if I don't want to get married? What if I don't believe in it? Maybe I don't. Maybe I do, but why should I feel that I'm forced into it? I'm aware I will have limited options, but I don't believe it should be that way. The field is growing at a steady rate, if I don't like the terms of one position someone else will. Someone else who may be younger. Someone else who may not care, as I once did. 

What, as professionals, are we saying about our field if we put so many limits on professionals? I am not advocating that I can turn my on campus apartment into a revolving door of possible suitors. I however am advocating that institutions take a closer look at their policies. Maybe they should look at what they present from a would-be candidates eyes. If you had to do it over again, would you want to work there? Would you be able to  live alone? Would you want to?

Quality of Life: Live-In Staff

A lot of topics have been racing through my mind lately. I'm not sure if it's the fact that it's conference season, and for some job hunting season, or not, but I've been thinking and reflecting a lot on my own feelings. I participated in a few professional development webinars and discussions via Twitter regarding the Student Affairs profession and live-in professionals.

Over the next few days... [at least I plan for it to be over a few days, however if I get going I may write them all in one sitting.] I'd like to focus on a few topics that are important to me regarding the quality of life for live-in professionals.

I plan to focus on the following topics:

• Expectations
• Live-in partners
• Pets

I believe those are three strong starting points. I don't know if the series will grow, but for now I'm starting there. Please stayed tuned. :)

Mover & a Shaker

For quite some time now I've believed myself to be a black sheep, and I've started to own that persona. I don't believe this to be a bad thing. I could be wrong, but no one has told me otherwise yet.

Looking back on my professional experience I can't pin point the exact moment when I turned into a black sheep, but I can pin point times when I went against the grain.

In 2008 I was in my first full-time professional Resident Director role and I was eager to get my hands dirty.  I was a sponge that wanted to soak up all and any knowledge/experience that I could. As I look back I believe I can see my woolen fleece start to blacken then. I would slightly butt heads with my supervisor. It was nothing in the way that either of us worked or were doing our jobs so much as me wanting to make change and improvements too quickly for the institution. I was young - bright eyed and bushy tailed - I didn't understand that as a professional I couldn't make changes as easily or quickly as I thought I could. This was a great learning experience for me. It's also something I sometimes struggle with. This may be the Millennial side of me that I so reluctantly except myself to be a part of.

Am I putting my foot in my mouth?

Career suicide? 

I don't know how to not ask questions. My mind constantly is working, and I am always thinking of new things, ideas, policies, issues, etc. How do you turn it off? How do you grow as a professional without being a bit of a black sheep? How can we learn if we are not willing to take a risk?

I had a paraprofessional staff member once answer a question with - "why not?" and it's stuck with me for all these years. Why do we only ask why, instead of asking why not? The worst case is that we'll be told no. I don't mind this rejection. I sometimes think I may strive for it. I want to ask all the questions I have. I want to try all my ideas. I want to fail. I want to succeed. I want to learn. Maybe I'm no longer fearful. Maybe I'm at the point in my life and in my professional career that I have the confidence to be able to ask the questions no one else does. I'm at the time where I want to push boundaries. I want to be told no, and then rebuttal it. I want action. I want to see passion in others. I want to see your drive.

I need an environment that will challenge me. I want change. I need change.

In the age of hook-up's

I keep trying to tell myself that I am not old, even though every day I find something else that makes me feel as such; today is no exception. Lately on campus there has been an increase in discussions of sexuality. I'm not sure if it's because Maine is trying to pass same sex marriage or not [it passed!], but it sure has got my mind going.

We are a culture that shames sexuality. It's something that we don't want to talk about, hear about, or see. I'm not sure what happened between the days of viewing the naked human form as art and now viewing it as porn, but I'm confused by it. According to the story of Adam and Eve, if Eve never ate the apple from the tree of knowledge, we'd all be walking around naked right now!

So why are we so ashamed of discussing sexuality and giving information out to those who need/want it? One thing that I am thankful for is that I work at a public institution that doesn't limit the resources we can share with students. However, as many may be aware, some of these resources are not highly thought of in some circles and are risking being closed.

I feel as though I come from a time when hooking up meant making out and maybe getting to "2nd base". In conversations with students I've been informed that that is not how the term is used anymore; which is why I've become to feel old again. Hooking up, at least here, means having sex. I am someone who believes that exploring your sexuality and having sex isn't a bad thing, and it shouldn't be shameful. Although, I also believe that sex has to be consensual, at all times, and done with precautions. So what is the point in all of this?

Well, how many of you have met with students who have questions about Plan B, abortions, pregnancy tests, STD testing, sexual assaults, or birth control? Now, I do understand that it may depend on your institution as to what conversations you may be able to have with students, but here I find that these conversations are increasing. Last year we had a few students who were pregnant and/or got pregnant while they were here. Again, it may be different in your area or at your institution  but I find here that in the age of the hook up, conversations in a preventative manner are not happening.  Why might this be?

• First generation students.
• Low income/poverty.
• Religious beliefs.
• Lack of Sexual Health Education classes

...What are your thoughts? Can you add to this list?

Now as the weather begins to warm and young love is in the air - what do you see on your campus? Within the past month it's interesting how I've noticed the relationships among residents forming or breaking apart. Are you taking notice? Have you increased any programming efforts in your area? Of course a hot topic in February is focused around relationships and Valentine's Day. In my building our monthly bulletin board was focused on sexual health. However, my hints at doing educational programs about sex have not been reciprocated. 

Final thought: This year I've learned that we should not expect our residents/students to come to college prepared with knowledge on sexual health. I've answered more questions and have had many conversations about sex and condoms then I ever thought I would.