I Wear Jeans to Work and Other Things You can Judge Me For

So this post is something that I have sat on for quiet some time, but I feel that the #NASPAyikyak fiasco of 2015 brings these notions back to light. I think it's time that I share this and continue the conversation of the apparent superiority complex we have among us.

I read a blog post on the unwritten rules of Student Affairs and it's bothered me for the past day (and still does). So much so that I was up at 5:00 am because I couldn't sleep and decided that writing a blog post in my head was more important. Unfortunately when I do that I never actually remember the entirely of the post I had written and then stumble to find those words again once I get to a computer. However there are two things I do know:

1. I'm irked.
2. I'm disappointed.

It's hard for me to say that. It's difficult because the authors of the post are two professionals that I admire and usually enjoy/promote what they have to say. However, I really don't believe the mark was hit with this. Now, I don't disagree with it all nor am I saying that there's not some truth to the points made, but why are we perpetrating "unwritten rules"? Are we not trying to undo them? Why are we adding more layers to a field that can be overwhelming and complex for new professionals as it is. Sure, maybe this post wasn't meant for new professionals, but what good was the advice for anyone? We are not holier than thou, do-no-wrong, failure-is-not-an-option, demean the outcast group - or are we?

According to the authors the unwritten rules are:

• Say no early and often
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home
• Network with People at levels above and below you
• Stop talking about your work-life balance
• Dress the part
• What people think of you does matter
• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work off their desk!)

I don't disagree nor am bothered by all of these; other than the point that we're continually perpetrating "unwritten rules" in the first place. Stop it. When did we become some secret society that people need to bend over backwards to be a part of. No, I don't need to be a SA Unicorn. Neither does anyone else. Can we please focus on the purpose of our jobs instead of the ways people do their jobs differently? Also, please don't forget that each college campus has it's own culture and political structure in which these so called "unwritten rules" may not even be acceptable or work.

• Say no early and often: Slightly disagree
• Premise - don't take on too much too soon.
• Reality - just because it's not in your job description doesn't mean you don't have to do it. Seek clarification if you're unsure run it by your supervisor before turning down a meeting or committee invite.
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home: Agree
• Premise - spend it or lose it.
• Reality - spend it or lose it; although this can too depend on your institution. Make sure you take your own position and role with budgets into account first.
• Network with people at levels above and below you: Agree
• Premise - get to know the people you work for and those who work for you.
• Reality - No matter your job title, you should want to know the people you're working for and those working for you. Meet with administrative assistance, facilities, custodians; you'll be amazed at what kind of knowledge and perspective they have on a department or institution as a whole.
• Stop talking about your work-life balance: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - Our jobs are 24/7 and you better get used to it.
• Reality - We are people. We have lives outside of what we do for a living, and so it should be. Yes, some of us might need help in being more organized and setting up 'boundaires', if you will, but how do we help colleagues do that? Just telling them they have to or what they are currently doing is wrong doesn't work. We need to assist and help in ways we can. Mentor new professionals. Assist where you can. This should not be a 'dog eat dog' world, because outside of work it's tough enough already.

I put myself first. I don't let my job run me into the ground. I advocate for work/life balance. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• Dress the part: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - The clothes make the person and to fit in you must adhere to this rule.
• Reality - This does not take into account gender expression, socioeconomic status, or size. As a large woman with low SES it is not financially feasible for me to be able to afford what some of the profession deems as professional for my daily work life. (FYI: 1 suit would cost me $150.00 & no I can't just go to my location Salvation Army/Goodwill store to pick up low cost items). I am not alone in this. New professionals and graduate students, which make up a large population of the field are not always in financial situations to afford the same level of professional attire as say a CHO. Sure $150 for a suit might seem like a steal to some, but if that's my every day attire I would need at least 3 to mix & match ($450.00); which doesn't take into account weight loss or gain - because let's face it I'm human, and so are the rest of us!

I wore jeans to work. I had a productive day. No one died. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• What people think of you does matter: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - You must be liked by everyone and at all times to matter in this field/get ahead.
• Reality - And this happened today:

@DanMcDs b/c we're told that other's perceptions of us matter more than who we really are.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 25, 2015

• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work of their desk!): Disagree
• Premise - Don't add concerns to your boss's to-do list; anticipate projects/challenges and take initiative.
• Reality - Where as this isn't a huge issue, it does lead to some interesting thoughts on being able to balance your own workload. I don't mind taking initiative, but sometimes you might do something a certain way and find out that was wrong. Sure it's a learning opportunity, but I add caution to just going forth, especially as new professionals without seeking some guidance first. As the Associate VP for Student Affairs at University at Buffalo Barbara Ricotta would say "Don't just bring me a dead cat, bring me a dead cat and a shovel." Go to your supervisor with a question or challenge AND bring a solution. I find that to be much better and practical advice.

If I do my boss's job doesn't that make me the boss? Plus, then who is doing my job? #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

So why do these things go together? We're shaming a large or small population (because who really knows since Yik Yak is anonymous!) into our own ideals of what is professional and acceptable. I am aware that some of the Yaks were in poor taste and the ones promoting 'isms were uncalled for at the least, but we can do better in the sense that we need to understand we're all learning and developing each day. The professional who has been doing this for 30 years and the one who will enter the field, hopefully, in May are trying to navigate the waters of Social Media in the same sense; or one would hope as this is 2015 and a lot if happening on SoMe that we should be a part of - connecting with students and understanding campus climates, etc (RE: Rey Junco). What now? Where do we go from here?

I'll leave you with these:

Just because you haven't experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) February 24, 2015

We are all fighting our own battles - a gentle reminder to be kind to others because you might just be the brightest spot in their day
— Valerie Heruska (@ValerieHeruska) February 24, 2015

"Stay weird, stay different, and when it's your turn, pass on that message to the next person." #slayme #Oscars2015
— Marci Walton (@MarciKWalton) February 23, 2015

Why I Don't Talk About My Mental Health at Work

So I've had a rough week. It's interesting seeing as I was on 'vacation' from Thursday at 5:00 pm last week to Tuesday at 9:00 am this week. I really need to know better than to think that a vacation at home when there are 12 people in my parents three bedroom home would do me any good. Let alone having to sleep in a recliner, my car, or the floor which was just a piece of the iceberg. As a 'fun' thing the paraprofessional appreciation banquet committee decided that the entire professional staff would perform a dance for the paraprofessional staff members. I cringed. I do not perform. I do not dance. However the tone from the leadership team regarding this was that it's mandatory; everyone has to participate. I tried putting every negative thought that was running through my head out of my mind. I decided that it was not going to be a big deal. I could do it. I would be fine.

I accepted the calendar invite for the practice. I was on board. I was going to do this. Then there was an update sent out. They had videoed the dance we were supposed to learn and perform in front of the staff. I watched both videos. During the first I was still trying to be optimistic. I told myself that there were a lot of staff members and that I would be fine. After the second video finished I was halfway into a panic attack. I was sweating, my heart racing, and my hands trembled. I can't do this. I knew it would be difficult for me, as this is not something I am comfortable with doing at all. Even when it was first mentioned I had trouble keeping my composure. So, before I had left for my aforementioned vacation I had sent an e-mail expressing some concerns with the upcoming paraprofessional appreciation banquet.

I knew it would not be well received. I knew stating that I could not participate because of anxiety would not go over well. However, I was not expecting the response that I got.

Now, don't get me wrong this seems to be a anomaly, but it did in fact still happen. I've taken a day to decompress and I'm still hurt and confused by it. As an educational moment I was told that the act of participating in the performance teaches me humility. Yes, I admit that I do not exactly understand the correlation. I asked to be excused because I knew that if I got up on stage and had to perform I would go into a full blown panic attack. I have not had one since I was in High School, but I have also not felt this way about a situation in a long time either. I might be wrong. I'm okay with that. You reading this may think I am being over-dramatic. I'm okay with that. I'm okay because this is what I have dealt with for years - being misunderstood by others. I have consistently been judged for things that I can not necessarily control. I know some triggers and I know ways to handle myself. I don't know everything though.

Part of the response I also got was that this is what Student Affairs is - we're the fun outgoing performers and it really grinds my gears. No. Not all of us are. Nor should we be pressured of forced to be. I am tired of being told how I am supposed to be and how I should be acting. I am my own person. I do my job. I also think I do it fairly well. I do not need to be on stage dancing in front of over 250 people to show humility. I am not superwoman - although sometimes I feel like I am because of all the stuff I actually do accomplish. I was asking to be excused because I have anxiety - something that I had not disclosed before. I was brave in sharing that as it was not easy for me to do so. I didn't need a warm fuzzy response; as I knew I would not get one, but I did need support.

I left the conversation feeling shamed and misunderstood. Yes, people can throw around words like anxiety and it no mean anything to them, but this is real for me. This just confirmed my fears. I can not be brave. I can not share. This is just one more time that without so many words I've been told and/or treated like there is something wrong with me. (Granted, I know there is, but it does not make me any less of a person.) Stop telling me I'm not good enough. Stop telling me that being different is bad. Stop telling me that because I am different I do not matter. You may not use words, but your tone, actions, and how you reply are all saying it to me. This is why I struggle. This is why I question my choices to stay. This is why I want to leave Student Affairs; we're a bunch of hypocrites who turn on anyone who is different and unlike us. SHAME ON US!

I'm doing the best that I can. I'm sorry that's not good enough for others.

To be Thankful.

A lot of people I know have been doing their daily posts about what they are thankful for. I did  something similar last year based off of a bulletin board one of my RA's completed in our building. This year I decided that I didn't want to do a daily tally. Instead I wanted to just pick one thing to be thankful for, to be focused on, and to be looking forward to.

After moving to Buffalo in late July of this past year and signing up for all of my health care benefits; I was on the hunt for a doctor. I wanted someone close to home/work, had reasonable hours, and accepted my insurance plan. I called a doctor's office I thought fit those criteria to set up an intake appointment. This was back in August and the earliest I could be seen was today, November 26th at 8:15 a.m. I luckily had not been sick and was not anticipating getting seriously ill so I decided to hold out and wait for this doctor. Today I went in for my appointment and was a bit taken back. The bedside manner was not one I would pick for myself, but I'm not running scared yet. The doctor did bring up some things that I had not been asked about before or that had been done - namely a test, which I forget the medical term for - but it's for people with asthma. I haven't undergone anything since I was diagnosed with asthma in the 4th grade. However, I can't seem to meet any doctor's who don't automatically harp on my weight and that I'm in the BMI category as morbidly obese. She asked about my cholesterol levels and blood pressure to see if I have ever had any issues with it, because of course if you are morbidly obese you must have health issues! She was shocked when my blood pressure was normal/better than "healthy" people, which my blood pressure has never been an issue. Although, she insisted on having blood work done so that my cholesterol could be checked. I knew I had been tested recently because of my liver disease (yes I'm aware, I'm not in 100% health BUT my levels had normalized before I moved out of Maine), but I couldn't recall the results. I did find with all of this. I had a logical answer for every question the doctor asked. I knew about my health. I was conscious of my current state. I had answers for what I was doing to increase my health. My doctor only truly shocked me when they stated that I needed to be on a 1,200 calorie diet; which is the absolute lowest caloric intake someone should have in a day. My doctor then restated that I should be on a diet that is between 1,200 - 1,500 calories. I still was in shock. I have used apps, and websites, and programs to lose weight before. With each one I have tried or used I have never been given such a low caloric intake amount. I have decided that my doctor is nuts, but I did not run scared and I am not going to. I don't need a doctor who cares. I don't think I want one. I just need a doctor who knows enough to help me when I need medical attention. I can care for/about myself on my own, and I am okay with that.

Last December I purchased a year of Noom Pro and lost 25lbs. I have kept that 25lbs, within a pound or two off since then. I have not used Noom Pro consistently either. I was much better before, but I have not kept up with it lately. I wanted something that offered more freedom, because Noom is a smartphone app it's hard to get accurate information. I decided to change it up and I splurged on a FitBit. I had heard about them and seen them around but never wanted to spend so much money on an item I wasn't sure would work. I've been using it for a few days and am really pleased! These are my stats from today (as of 7:30pm).

After visiting my doctor I changed my plan from Medium (lose 1lb a week) to Extreme (lose 2lbs a week) and that still has me above 1,500 calories. I'm going to do this my own way. 

I am thankful for my health. I am thankful that I still have it, even if it's not up to par with where it should be. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to see a doctor. I am thankful that I have insurance that doesn't cost astronomical amounts in order for me to be treated. I am thankful that I have learned a lot in the past year. I am thankful that I have a network of other Student Affairs professionals who are working on their health too. I am thankful that I know people who are not judgmental. I am thankful that I have found the ability to be happy with who I am, even if others don't expect or think I should be. I am thankful that I have not lost myself. I am thankful that I, although sometimes hard to find, have the ability and time to focus on myself. I am thankful that I have found some sort of focus. I am thankful.

I thought I was alone.

I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one with a never ending ticket on the struggle bus. I thought I was losing my mind. I thought I was inadequate. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was wrong. I thought I was failing. Most importantly, I thought I was alone...

As most know, there was a recent article published in Huffington Post by Ken Schneck, PhD entitled Student Affairs Administrators Get Suicidal Too (and yes, if you haven't read it, please do), there has been a large outcry through social media outlets on how people can help, what people should be doing, what changes can be made. I'm glad. I'm glad that this is a topic. However, I'm also weary that anything will change. I'm weary that this is just the hot ticket item of the moment. I read a lot of various blog posts, tweets,  and Facebook statuses in regards to mental illnesses amongst professionals in Student Affairs. There were a lot of good thoughts shared. I think I resonated with a post by Kristen Abell on her blog Kristendom entitled Mental Illness and Student Affairs the most. It's because just recently I had spoken up about my own battle with depression and mental illness, but she had been doing it for quite some time. On September 17, 2013 I wrote a blog in response to a video that was shared within my network. That post only received 26 views. I have hope that with recent events and the thought provoking discussions happening that I will see change. That I will see people speaking out, helping, assisting, asking questions and seeking answers.

I shared the article from HP on my Facebook wall and I asked for my friends to share their thoughts. A few people did. I had some thoughts at that time and shared them. They are as follows:

I still think there's a larger underlying issue: coming forward with a mental health disease is still seen as a weakness. How can you be seen as competent when dealing with emergency situations and crises if your supervisor knew you were depressed? What about the institution you worked for? Are you a liability now? Until we stop treating mental illnesses as a problem and accept them as a real disease people will suffer in silence. I've had kind supervisors in the past who encouraged and accepted the occasional "mental health day" as a reason to be absent from work, but how many institutions actually value that? If you work 40 hrs a week in an office, participate and attend evening programs, and work on the weekends - what time is left to take care of yourself? Maybe it's the field that's setting people up for failures. What policies are set in place to actually support employees? Not just in a gloss over sense, but policies that truly help them be great employees and people. I say things that people don't want to hear. I bring up questions that people can't answer, or don't necessarily want the answer to, but these are things that we don't look at. These are things that need to be looked at. These are things that need to be changed.

I still stand by that. I do think that there are places who can value work that an employee does and undervalue the employee. I have seen it. I have been there. It's not easy. It's hard to want to be a part of something so great when there are pieces of it that break you down. I have thought of leaving the field. I've actually have had those thoughts more frequently in recent years, which is difficult for me to admit. I love what I do. I really do. I love working with students. I love challenging them and seeing their growth throughout the year. I enjoy helping when I can. I get frustrated when I can't. I don't think that's a bad thing.
What I do want to see is more consistency. I want to see more willingness to work together. I want to see people working towards a change, not just at your institution or in your position. We have professional organizations; how can they help, what can they do?

I don't want this to be forgotten. I don't want to feel like I'm alone. I don't want to feel forgotten. I don't want to be the black sheep. (I know some people will say, "But you put yourself there. You pride yourself on being the black sheep". No. No I don't. I pride myself on being the person who stands up for things that she is passionate about, things that she wants to see change, things that she is desperately asking for someone to listen and help with. I'm just never any good at asking for help.)




My post may get lost amongst the shuffle too, but I hope it reaches some. I know that there are definitely more posts out there on this topic, but I'm going to share some of the ones I have read. Please feel free to read, share, pass them along to people you think might benefit from reading them. [Thank you to the authors for writing and sharing your thoughts.]

Renee Piquette Dowdy: What Breaks You

Ann Marie Klotz: Why Are We Not Talking About Wellness?

Becca Obergefell: Healing and Helping - Taking Care of Ourselves Too

Joe Sabado: Work/Life Balance Discussion - A Privilege?
Mike Bowers: Helping Yourself to Help Others: Mental Well Being Tips for Student Affairs Practitioners

Internal Struggle of a Woman in Student Affairs

*Update: So I originally wrote this in a fluster of emotions and have decided that it could use some tuning. I have edited this entry. Please feel free to give it another read.

My career has always been more important to me than the traditional path that young girls are told about and then dream about during their youth. I'm not sure if it's truly because I am a Capricorn and we are more determined in our careers, or the fact that I grew up in a single parent home and watched my mother struggle to take care of my sister and I my entire life. Seeing her work multiple jobs, come home exhausted, and still try to do what she could to give us a memorable childhood is something that I will never forget. I don't want to. Her struggles have become a part of me as I've used them to keep myself going.

For the majority of the time I am not bothered by not being settled, with no fiancee or husband, and no dependents. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please. But then there are those times when it all hits me and I realize that I'm almost the big 3-0 and I have little to nothing to show for it. Yes, I have a job. I am employed. What does that really say though? I haven't made any major breakthroughs or presented anything memorable in my field so just holding the position doesn't even seem like an accomplishment anymore.

I thought obtaining my Master's degree was going to make a difference. I feel no different. I now just question if that was even worth it. I'm the first person in my family to graduate college. I should be proud of that, and I am; it just doesn't make me anymore established now. I need that drive, the jolt that I used to have to be proud of what I was doing. I don't know where it went or why it left. I may have to construct some "lost, if found contact me" posters. I truly would like that back.

What people who know me don't understand is that I do have an internal struggle that creeps out every now and then. It's job hunting season. It's also wedding season, and that's usually quickly followed by baby season. Every now and then I say "I don't want to get married" or "I don't want to have kids...I have to take care of enough already", and being a live-in professional that is not far from the truth. However, I was, in my own mind, a typical little girl dreaming about her wedding day and how it would be. Over the course of the years it's changed from time to time, but it's always been the same result - I get married. I certainly like my alone time but I don't like being lonely - and those are two very different things.

So in the job hunting season there are multiple feelings that come out. If you are job hunting you're filled with stress, anxiety, confusion, hope, excitement, and hopefully in the end satisfaction because you landed the job that you were really going after. If you're not job hunting you could be feeling anxious or confused because you may not know if you should be looking or if it's time. When is the right time? Is there a right time? This also leads to periods of jealousy too - yes it happens. If you're job searching you see other colleagues or professionals excitedly sharing their good news. For them you are happy, but for you it's: "what's wrong with me?", "why can't I find a job?", "will I ever find one?" and the despair can spiral out of control from there.

People don't usually relate the two, but job hunting season is a lot like wedding season. You have to find the right dress/interview attire, you have to plan travel/honeymoon, you have to plan time away from work, writing the thank you letters, etc. For those who are planning/searching you deal with the aforementioned feelings. Seriously, if Higher Education wasn't stressful enough - they throw in June to really mess with your plans.

I'm not even going to touch on baby season...more than it's really hard to be nice when you see an ugly baby picture. Come on, we've all seen them - it happens. All babies are not cute.

And for those who are not in the midst of any of these seasons, we're stuck on the sidelines trying to navigate our lives around all the new status updates, tweets, and pictures inundating us with your happy news. I'm happy for you, I really am, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to figure out what I should find important in my life with all that being thrown at me. When you are 28, single, and with no children society really doesn't understand that asking "when are you going to settle down", "when are you getting married?", "don't you want to have children?", really isn't that nice. That's a lot of pressure people!

Over the course of this past year I've thought about all this more than I have ever before. I never was one to like staying in one place. I've always been interested in traveling and having my own experiences, but now I can't help but fight off the homesickness. It's time for a change when you can be in a room full of people and  feel out of place or completely alone. I am searching. I have hopes that I will find a position and location that is exactly what I am looking for. I am trying to get a grasp on this crazy thing called life. Can you have two mid life crisis's? Because I surely thought I went through one when I was 25. Maybe it just hasn't ended yet? Do men have similar struggles? Am I really that alone in this?

I don't have the answers. I may never have them. However, if I do get married and have children - I do not want my children to ever feel like they have to get married and have children to feel like they are someone. Life is different for everyone and happiness can surround us all.

I don't think I've ever been this lost or confused.

Quality of Life: Live-In Staff [Pets]

[UPDATE: 3/21/14] So I originally posted this almost a year ago, and it's funny what a year can change. I switched positions but am still at an institution that does not allow professional staff to own pets, other than fish. With my new position I moved closer to home. I have been able to go home a little more often than I had been able to while I was living so far away. This was a nice change. I enjoyed being able to go home and spend time with our dogs. But, what does this have to do with an update?
Well, unfortunately over the past few months my dog that I have had since I was 15 began to have health problems. My mom called me earlier this month saying that they may have to put him down. I checked in after I knew they had brought him to the vet and it seemed like with medication he was getting better. Then, out of the blue two weeks after he was at the vet my dog died at home. I was notified around 10:00 p.m. the night that it happened. For some this might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was. My dog was part of my life for thirteen years. He was my dog through most of my adolescence, and well for anyone who has been through adolescence you know how important those relationships are to you. I took some time off last week to go home, say goodbye, and spend time with our other dog (technically my sister's dog). Having animals around is important to me, and I've realized that this has become a more important issue to not only my professional life but also my personal life. I'm an advocate for allowing live-in professionals the opportunity to have pets on campus. I believe I'm more of an advocate now than I was before. I don't think institutions should just have a "no, never, don't even ask" mindset. They need to be able to allow professionals to make a case and then decide. Maybe all hall apartments aren't set up for a pet policy, but what if you had some options on campus?

RIP 3/10/14 Sid

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Growing up do you remember when you received your first pet?
Do you remember when you first asked, begged, and pleaded with your parents to get you a pet?


It may seem like such a long time ago, but for me I remember most of it clearly. I didn't beg, plead, or ask for a pet my Mom just got them for us. When I was very little we first had a fish tank. I remember because I used to sit down in our living room for hours watching the fish swim around. I'm not sure what happened to the fish tank, but then we got a bird. I remember the bird because one night during summer someone forgot to shut a window, the temperature dropped, and the bird died in it's cage. I remember burying the bird beneath a tree in our backyard. After that it was a few years before we got another pet. The next pet was a cat from a local farm. It was white with orange-ish brown spots. I named her St. Aloysius (it was the church next door and one I had attended my entire life). I grew up with her for most of my childhood. She was an indoor-outdoor cat, and I was there when she had kittens which then we took care of them too. After St. Aloyusis died we got a dog and named him Buddy. Since, we've had other cats and dogs, but also gerbils, fish, and a mouse.

When I moved away for college I owned fish and during breaks I'd go home to the two English Setters we got my Sophomore year of High School. I have only ever been without pets since I became a professional. So what does this have anything to do with? Well, in my previous positions I was close enough to home to still feel like I owned pets. I'd visit the house, play with the two dogs, and things would be fine. However, now that I currently live ten hours from home, I don't get that luxury. Sure, I could have fish - but who wants to pet a fish? Who wants to curl up on a rainy day reading a book on the couch with a fish in your lap? There are just too many things that fish can't do to make them a worthwhile pet now.

As an adult, I am able to purchase a pet and provide for it. However, because of my chosen career I am either limited in this ability or it's stripped from me altogether. I understand that there are arguments on both ends for live-in professionals to have pets. Although it seems that some of the arguments against are frivolous  "What will the residents say? The residents can't have pets." Yes, the residents can't have pets. Are the residents employees of the institution? Employees have different rights and expectations than consumers/customers - this works in all venues.

I haven't done an official poll, but I have asked a few other live-in professionals about this and the ones who are allowed to own pets are much more interested in staying with their institution, are happier at work, and feel more like a professional than just a glorified student. If we are trying to provide the best experience to our students and hire the most qualified individuals; should we not invest in making sure they are going to want to stay? What about modeling good behavior? Being responsible? Pet owners have good time management skills, are reliable, innovative, and caring; so why wouldn't student affairs be interested in keeping people with these skills. It seems that there's more disservice done than good in having policies against pet ownership.

Quality of Life: Live-In Staff [Live-in Partners]

In increasing numbers states are passing new legislation that is making marriage possible for all, no matter the individuals identified gender. How does this affect Higher Education?

Since I started as a professional I have been single. It's never been a question during interviews whether or not the institution offers professionals with the opportunity to have another adult live with them. As an undergraduate I saw the live-in professionals with their significant others or spouses and never questioned it. Why would I? Why would I think that adults would not be able to live with someone that they loved and had committed to?

I never really paid attention to it. I wasn't interested in falling in love and starting that "next chapter" of my life. I wanted to get an education. I wanted to find a job. I wanted a career.

Now as I close in on the end of my twenties and start seeing friends and relatives my age begin to "settle down", I think about these things a little more. I'm more aware of relationships. I'm also more aware that just because you are seen as a responsible adult, that doesn't mean that in your career you can always have the traditional/common luxuries that everyone else does.

As a live-in professional there are three types of situations, or at least there are three that I can identify:

• Married
• Engaged/Long-term commitment
• Dating/Long-term commitment

Let's discuss these a little closer:

Married:

• You've done it! You tied the knot. You started the next chapter. You're in it for the long haul. You're committed...or one of the many other common sayings about marriage. Congratulations! I have not come across an institution that denies a married professional from living in a residence hall on campus. I haven't really searched either, but I find that there'd be a whole lot of legal mess if they didn't allow it. So you can live with your significant other, you can do your job, you can continue with your career.

Engaged/Long-term commitment:

• You met someone. You fell in love. You've both chosen each other as "the one". Congratulations! Though just because you have committed to each other, it doesn't mean institutions have to recognize that and allow for you to live in a residence hall together. It is a little more common now because there is no Federal law allowing equal marriage rights to everyone...[yet], and not all states have passed their own laws yet. However, it may take a little bit of searching, if you are, for a new position that the new institution would have a policy for it.

Dating/Long-term commitment:

• You met someone. You fell in love. You both may or may not have chosen each other as "the one". You are committed to each other, but may not be ready for engagement or marriage. Maybe you don't want to get married? I believe this is where it gets even more difficult. Institutions in states that have not passed marriage equality laws may still have domestic partner policies or live-in partner policies, but I have found less and less of those.

As a profession do we not talk about modeling good behaviors? Do we not discuss being good role models? Why is it that if someone is good enough to be hired and trusted as a live-in/live-on professional whose responsibility it is to make sound and rationale decisions is it then not allowed for them to be trusted to choose a quality live-in partner? If our professional life decisions are acceptable, why aren't our personal life decisions?

Before, the hot topic was work/life balance, but now people are talking about work/life integration. Do people forget about live-in professionals when they come up with these things? I love what I do. I love living in the residence hall and being a part of the community. I love the after hours conversations that I have with students. I love that there are times when they tell you that you've made a difference - maybe just in their day, week, month, year, but sometimes it's in their entire life. A small thank you speaks volumes to me. I love what I do. I'm not ready to quit. I don't want to quit. But I'm also not ready to move on from my current level of profession. Although I have five years of experience as a entry-level Resident Director, I don't believe it's the same experience as an entry-level RD at a large institution. My background is primarily at small private liberal arts colleges - which I've loved, don't get me wrong - but I don't have the experience of dealing with a paraprofessional staff of more than eight Resident Assistants. I don't have the experience of supervising a Graduate Assistant. I don't feel I would be prepared for an Assistant Director role. Could I do it? I believe so. I just don't believe the overall quality would be great. I don't want to put out poor quality stuff!

So here I am; at the end of my 20's, recent graduate of a Master's program, trying to navigate my next move. Where do I go from here? I haven't exactly figured that one out yet, but I do know - even as a single woman - that in my next position I want to know that I have the option of having someone I love live with me. I want to know that if I find someone, I don't have to wait. I want to know that I can have a career and I can have a personal life. Why must that include marriage? What if I don't want to get married? What if I don't believe in it? Maybe I don't. Maybe I do, but why should I feel that I'm forced into it? I'm aware I will have limited options, but I don't believe it should be that way. The field is growing at a steady rate, if I don't like the terms of one position someone else will. Someone else who may be younger. Someone else who may not care, as I once did. 

What, as professionals, are we saying about our field if we put so many limits on professionals? I am not advocating that I can turn my on campus apartment into a revolving door of possible suitors. I however am advocating that institutions take a closer look at their policies. Maybe they should look at what they present from a would-be candidates eyes. If you had to do it over again, would you want to work there? Would you be able to  live alone? Would you want to?