I Wear Jeans to Work and Other Things You can Judge Me For

So this post is something that I have sat on for quiet some time, but I feel that the #NASPAyikyak fiasco of 2015 brings these notions back to light. I think it's time that I share this and continue the conversation of the apparent superiority complex we have among us.

I read a blog post on the unwritten rules of Student Affairs and it's bothered me for the past day (and still does). So much so that I was up at 5:00 am because I couldn't sleep and decided that writing a blog post in my head was more important. Unfortunately when I do that I never actually remember the entirely of the post I had written and then stumble to find those words again once I get to a computer. However there are two things I do know:

1. I'm irked.
2. I'm disappointed.

It's hard for me to say that. It's difficult because the authors of the post are two professionals that I admire and usually enjoy/promote what they have to say. However, I really don't believe the mark was hit with this. Now, I don't disagree with it all nor am I saying that there's not some truth to the points made, but why are we perpetrating "unwritten rules"? Are we not trying to undo them? Why are we adding more layers to a field that can be overwhelming and complex for new professionals as it is. Sure, maybe this post wasn't meant for new professionals, but what good was the advice for anyone? We are not holier than thou, do-no-wrong, failure-is-not-an-option, demean the outcast group - or are we?

According to the authors the unwritten rules are:

• Say no early and often
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home
• Network with People at levels above and below you
• Stop talking about your work-life balance
• Dress the part
• What people think of you does matter
• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work off their desk!)

I don't disagree nor am bothered by all of these; other than the point that we're continually perpetrating "unwritten rules" in the first place. Stop it. When did we become some secret society that people need to bend over backwards to be a part of. No, I don't need to be a SA Unicorn. Neither does anyone else. Can we please focus on the purpose of our jobs instead of the ways people do their jobs differently? Also, please don't forget that each college campus has it's own culture and political structure in which these so called "unwritten rules" may not even be acceptable or work.

• Say no early and often: Slightly disagree
• Premise - don't take on too much too soon.
• Reality - just because it's not in your job description doesn't mean you don't have to do it. Seek clarification if you're unsure run it by your supervisor before turning down a meeting or committee invite.
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home: Agree
• Premise - spend it or lose it.
• Reality - spend it or lose it; although this can too depend on your institution. Make sure you take your own position and role with budgets into account first.
• Network with people at levels above and below you: Agree
• Premise - get to know the people you work for and those who work for you.
• Reality - No matter your job title, you should want to know the people you're working for and those working for you. Meet with administrative assistance, facilities, custodians; you'll be amazed at what kind of knowledge and perspective they have on a department or institution as a whole.
• Stop talking about your work-life balance: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - Our jobs are 24/7 and you better get used to it.
• Reality - We are people. We have lives outside of what we do for a living, and so it should be. Yes, some of us might need help in being more organized and setting up 'boundaires', if you will, but how do we help colleagues do that? Just telling them they have to or what they are currently doing is wrong doesn't work. We need to assist and help in ways we can. Mentor new professionals. Assist where you can. This should not be a 'dog eat dog' world, because outside of work it's tough enough already.

I put myself first. I don't let my job run me into the ground. I advocate for work/life balance. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• Dress the part: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - The clothes make the person and to fit in you must adhere to this rule.
• Reality - This does not take into account gender expression, socioeconomic status, or size. As a large woman with low SES it is not financially feasible for me to be able to afford what some of the profession deems as professional for my daily work life. (FYI: 1 suit would cost me $150.00 & no I can't just go to my location Salvation Army/Goodwill store to pick up low cost items). I am not alone in this. New professionals and graduate students, which make up a large population of the field are not always in financial situations to afford the same level of professional attire as say a CHO. Sure $150 for a suit might seem like a steal to some, but if that's my every day attire I would need at least 3 to mix & match ($450.00); which doesn't take into account weight loss or gain - because let's face it I'm human, and so are the rest of us!

I wore jeans to work. I had a productive day. No one died. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• What people think of you does matter: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - You must be liked by everyone and at all times to matter in this field/get ahead.
• Reality - And this happened today:

@DanMcDs b/c we're told that other's perceptions of us matter more than who we really are.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 25, 2015

• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work of their desk!): Disagree
• Premise - Don't add concerns to your boss's to-do list; anticipate projects/challenges and take initiative.
• Reality - Where as this isn't a huge issue, it does lead to some interesting thoughts on being able to balance your own workload. I don't mind taking initiative, but sometimes you might do something a certain way and find out that was wrong. Sure it's a learning opportunity, but I add caution to just going forth, especially as new professionals without seeking some guidance first. As the Associate VP for Student Affairs at University at Buffalo Barbara Ricotta would say "Don't just bring me a dead cat, bring me a dead cat and a shovel." Go to your supervisor with a question or challenge AND bring a solution. I find that to be much better and practical advice.

If I do my boss's job doesn't that make me the boss? Plus, then who is doing my job? #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

So why do these things go together? We're shaming a large or small population (because who really knows since Yik Yak is anonymous!) into our own ideals of what is professional and acceptable. I am aware that some of the Yaks were in poor taste and the ones promoting 'isms were uncalled for at the least, but we can do better in the sense that we need to understand we're all learning and developing each day. The professional who has been doing this for 30 years and the one who will enter the field, hopefully, in May are trying to navigate the waters of Social Media in the same sense; or one would hope as this is 2015 and a lot if happening on SoMe that we should be a part of - connecting with students and understanding campus climates, etc (RE: Rey Junco). What now? Where do we go from here?

I'll leave you with these:

Just because you haven't experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) February 24, 2015

We are all fighting our own battles - a gentle reminder to be kind to others because you might just be the brightest spot in their day
— Valerie Heruska (@ValerieHeruska) February 24, 2015

"Stay weird, stay different, and when it's your turn, pass on that message to the next person." #slayme #Oscars2015
— Marci Walton (@MarciKWalton) February 23, 2015

Why I started therapy

Although I had talked to my primary care physician (PCP) about my depression and had tried a variety of medications I never went to a therapist. I sought out a therapist during the time I was being treated under the care of my PCP, but when I met with a woman for the intake she explained my insurance coverage to me. It would be $20 per visit to go. I had already been struggling financially with trying to make ends meet, pay bills, and keep up with student loans. I didn't see where therapy fit and it was difficult for me. I also am not sure that I was ready at the time.

This past May I had a very rough period. It was almost a full two weeks that was completely destroying me. Granted work didn't make it any easier. I was going through the process of ending the semester, closing my building, and transitioning into summer. It was a new process and new procedure for me to learn. All the change was overwhelming and I know I wasn't really in the best of states before it all snowballed together. For that time my thoughts were scattered and I had difficulty in almost every aspect of my life. My mind was filled with thoughts constantly and the most prevalent one was that I just wanted to cease to exist. No, I didn't want to kill myself nor harm myself - I just didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. I was done.

But how can you be down when you have 16 staff members looking for you for guidance, help, and support? It was awful. I continued to try and do my job, but I knew I wasn't really being there for some staff that needed me and my presence more than others and it was difficult. One day I had had enough. I sat down and searched mental disorders. I wasn't convinced that I was just depressed. It had to be something else. It had to be something more. I had never struggled like this before and I was scared. Along with searching up disorders I started looking for therapists. I was past the breaking point - I broke. I had had serious thoughts about checking myself into the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know who could help.

I searched and searched local therapists, but I had no idea how to pick one. So to defer having to go through that I called my insurance company to find out my coverage. I was covered. I had a $20 copay for 20 visits, but after that I would need to get a referral. I didn't care. At this point $20 was worth it. So it was back to square one on trying to locate a therapists. I called numerous places. No answer. Or I was greeted with a voice mail.

A voice mail? I'm not leaving you a voice mail. What do I say? Where do I begin? No no no. I am certainly not doing that! So I kept trying. I finally reached a person and decided to schedule an appointment. The first they would be able to see me was July 1st. JULY 1st! It was May and I was going through the roughest patch I have ever faced - how can I make it to July 1st? I scheduled an appointment but kept trying to find other therapists - I needed to be seen as soon as possible. Before I could locate and call another office I received a call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone. It was a woman asking me if I had called her number previously. I was a little confused but then realized that I had. It was a number listed on one of the therapists information websites. I was shocked. She called me because I didn't leave a message. So we talked. I explained that I was going through a difficult time and needed to see a therapist, she set me up with her office number and told me to schedule something. The number I had called was her cellphone. I called the office and was able to set an appointment up for the next day. I've been going to therapy since then. I have missed two weeks due to a professional conference and vacation, but my therapist is a phone call away if I need her. This week we will be starting EMDR therapy. I have no idea what it's going to be like, but after the past few visits I know it's going to change everything - maybe not tomorrow, but as time goes on it will. Part of going to therapy has really made me realize how much other stuff I have been carrying around with me and it's about time I deal with it.

This week my $20 copay is going to overdraw my bank account, but I can't afford not to go - my life depends on it.

It's time for me to take care of me.

I come first.

What We Learn From Death

So I went and saw "The Fault in Our Stars" this evening. I didn't originally want to. I went back and forth on it for some time, but since it was $5 Tuesdays at the theater I decided it was worth it. See, I didn't read the book so I wasn't sure if that would be a good or bad thing. However, before walking into the theater and buying my ticket I had already guessed the ending - I was right, by the way, but I'm not saying what my thoughts were to spare people from any spoilers.

It was sad. I did cry. However it really wasn't the movie by itself that had me react in this way. By the time I started college I had attended ten funerals, all of which were for friends I had in High School. No, they didn't have cancer. Most of them died from car crashes and one from suicide. It was a very dreary time for what people refer to as someone's formative years. I was surrounded by death and I learned from it.

How do we learn from death? How do we shape ourselves after a heartache and so much grief and pain? I don't think there is one complete answer. To me it really comes down to the person and what it best for them. For me it varied. I found strength in the pain. I found ambition and drive. I found that I couldn't let it get the best of me - and that was the hardest. Coping with loss for anyone is difficult, but coping when you suffer from depression can be near impossible. Sometimes I was able to handle it better, but sometimes it was much more difficult. I started therapy three weeks ago, and the funny thing about that is my therapist is working on stuff from my past because she feels that's where my problems today stem from. Funny how that works, huh?

So as I begin and continue to work with my therapists on years of trauma I still think about what I learned from death:

1. Life is short. What makes you happy? Are you doing it or trying to get there? If not, why? Life is short! Why waste it being unhappy or better yet - why waste it waiting? People tell me that my resume is one red flag after another because I have switched jobs frequently. But is it? There are reasons why I don't stay and sometimes it's because I know life is short, and that I don't have time to waste in a position that stalls out. Sorry not sorry.

2. Failure is inevitable, but not the end. I learned this more from the people that had died, than their deaths themselves. One of my friends battled with drug and alcohol abuse before being killed in a car crash. They were a free spirit and definitely lived their live by the beat of their own drum. I admired that. This didn't make them immune to struggle and through their failures they continued to prevail. You can do almost anything for a little while, but it doesn't have to be your forever. Keep trying because you don't know where it will lead you.

3. Relationships and the connections with others matter. How many times do we blow off plans because we're "busy"? I'm guilty of this. I've done it for a variety of reasons, but at the end of the day it can lead to regret. The next time you're invited somewhere - think about it! What is more important? Will you be able to do this ever again? Sometimes you need to stop and think before just turning an offer down. Make an effort to spend time with family and friends because you don't know what will happen. Like the quote says: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." 

4. Don't forget you. At different times we can get so caught up in everything going on around us that we forget about ourselves. Did you eat enough today? Did you drink enough water? Did you get enough sleep? Did you remember to take a minute to just breath? Our lives are so much in motion that sometimes in all of our obligations, responsibilities, and just the hustle and bustle we forget that we're people too. We can't help others and we can't take care of others if we are not there for ourselves. There are times when you should be selfish - and you need to be!

5. Don't stop. When you think you've had enough, keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up on yourself because someone or something isn't in your life anymore. Don't give up on yourself because you are struggling. You're important. You matter. If you are having difficulty seeing that ask for help. You might be surprised to see who is there for you when you need it.

Although there is pain and loss there is a lot you can take away from it. It can be a reminder and a motivator to continue on your path - whichever that may be. It will take time. Take the time that you need, but keep going.

Why I Don't Talk About My Mental Health at Work

So I've had a rough week. It's interesting seeing as I was on 'vacation' from Thursday at 5:00 pm last week to Tuesday at 9:00 am this week. I really need to know better than to think that a vacation at home when there are 12 people in my parents three bedroom home would do me any good. Let alone having to sleep in a recliner, my car, or the floor which was just a piece of the iceberg. As a 'fun' thing the paraprofessional appreciation banquet committee decided that the entire professional staff would perform a dance for the paraprofessional staff members. I cringed. I do not perform. I do not dance. However the tone from the leadership team regarding this was that it's mandatory; everyone has to participate. I tried putting every negative thought that was running through my head out of my mind. I decided that it was not going to be a big deal. I could do it. I would be fine.

I accepted the calendar invite for the practice. I was on board. I was going to do this. Then there was an update sent out. They had videoed the dance we were supposed to learn and perform in front of the staff. I watched both videos. During the first I was still trying to be optimistic. I told myself that there were a lot of staff members and that I would be fine. After the second video finished I was halfway into a panic attack. I was sweating, my heart racing, and my hands trembled. I can't do this. I knew it would be difficult for me, as this is not something I am comfortable with doing at all. Even when it was first mentioned I had trouble keeping my composure. So, before I had left for my aforementioned vacation I had sent an e-mail expressing some concerns with the upcoming paraprofessional appreciation banquet.

I knew it would not be well received. I knew stating that I could not participate because of anxiety would not go over well. However, I was not expecting the response that I got.

Now, don't get me wrong this seems to be a anomaly, but it did in fact still happen. I've taken a day to decompress and I'm still hurt and confused by it. As an educational moment I was told that the act of participating in the performance teaches me humility. Yes, I admit that I do not exactly understand the correlation. I asked to be excused because I knew that if I got up on stage and had to perform I would go into a full blown panic attack. I have not had one since I was in High School, but I have also not felt this way about a situation in a long time either. I might be wrong. I'm okay with that. You reading this may think I am being over-dramatic. I'm okay with that. I'm okay because this is what I have dealt with for years - being misunderstood by others. I have consistently been judged for things that I can not necessarily control. I know some triggers and I know ways to handle myself. I don't know everything though.

Part of the response I also got was that this is what Student Affairs is - we're the fun outgoing performers and it really grinds my gears. No. Not all of us are. Nor should we be pressured of forced to be. I am tired of being told how I am supposed to be and how I should be acting. I am my own person. I do my job. I also think I do it fairly well. I do not need to be on stage dancing in front of over 250 people to show humility. I am not superwoman - although sometimes I feel like I am because of all the stuff I actually do accomplish. I was asking to be excused because I have anxiety - something that I had not disclosed before. I was brave in sharing that as it was not easy for me to do so. I didn't need a warm fuzzy response; as I knew I would not get one, but I did need support.

I left the conversation feeling shamed and misunderstood. Yes, people can throw around words like anxiety and it no mean anything to them, but this is real for me. This just confirmed my fears. I can not be brave. I can not share. This is just one more time that without so many words I've been told and/or treated like there is something wrong with me. (Granted, I know there is, but it does not make me any less of a person.) Stop telling me I'm not good enough. Stop telling me that being different is bad. Stop telling me that because I am different I do not matter. You may not use words, but your tone, actions, and how you reply are all saying it to me. This is why I struggle. This is why I question my choices to stay. This is why I want to leave Student Affairs; we're a bunch of hypocrites who turn on anyone who is different and unlike us. SHAME ON US!

I'm doing the best that I can. I'm sorry that's not good enough for others.

Response to "On Alcohol and Student Affairs"

I spent my evening at two different programs that were going on in my residential area, but I was just spending some time unwinding by scrolling through Facebook afterward. Something jumped out at me as I went down the page. Two colleagues of mine had shared the same article. Of course this happens frequently, but it wasn't the usual new article. They were sharing a blog post written by another colleague, Becki Elkins entitled "On Alcohol and Student Affairs". It's a great personal story, but raised a lot of really good questions/points. I don't want to make this about my story, as I think Becki needs to be recognized for her strength in sharing this with us, but my response is a bit more personal.

See, I love this. I love what Becki wrote. I love what Becki shared. I don't think I love it for the same reasons that most others do, and that's fine. I love this because it brings light to an issue we seem to be blind to. Do we really need to host socials at bars? Do we need to have every event circulated around an alcoholic beverage? Why is there such a need to 'unwind' with a glass of wine or beer? Sure if you truly think that helps or works for you - more power to you. I just don't think it's needed. I haven't been to a national conference, but I don't believe my understanding of the social aspects is entirely wrong. There is a lot of drinking that happens there. Of course, there are a lot of people and most know their limits, but there are some who are overdue for a vacation and get carried away. How does this help us when bartenders, waiters, hotel staff witness this side? Yes, I know it's not everyone but it is still happening in our field. What do we do? How can we help those who need it?

I was at a bad place in my life early on in my career and used alcohol as a crutch. Taking a depressant while depressed doesn't do any good. I knew that from all of my training and educational courses, but I didn't care. I knew enough to drink at the right times and in the right locations, but I did indulge more than I should've. That lasted for at least a year. Then one day I just stopped. I decided that I was worth more than I was giving myself credit for and wanted to be able to do better for myself. I haven't had a drink since October 31, 2010. Sometimes I do want a drink. I know I could handle it. I wouldn't buy any to take home, but out to dinner or at a bar I could have a drink. I could do it. I would be okay.

Just as I thought about trying a drink again I was diagnosed with liver disease. I'm never allowed to drink again. Do you know how hard it is to get to know new people or make plans at a new job when everyone else wants to go to a bar? Sure, I can go. Sure I can drink something else. However, do you know how many times people ask me why I'm not drinking? Why does it matter? Why do we care so much about another's choice or reason? It's so much easier for me to just stay by myself than connect with others because I don't want to have to explain my story. I don't want to have to continue to let everyone know. They don't need to know. They don't need to ask, but they do. They always do.

So I ask:

• How do we support the people who fight these battles?
• What can we do to help?

I'd like to send a personal message to Becki - no, you are not alone. I may not need to attend meetings and I may not struggle with this addiction, but you are not alone. If we are ever at the same conference I will go to a meeting with you. I hate mornings, but I will be there with you because we all need more people working with us. 

Authenticity.

My Black Dog is a Monster

[Prologue: This has been a brewing post for about a week. I wasn't sure where it was going. I've deleted it and rewrote it a few times. I no longer care if it's worthwhile or not. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be shared.]

There's a YoutTube video that I watched months ago. I enjoyed it. It was a cartoon video explanation of what living with Depression is like. However, now I have an issue with the video. [You can view it below if you haven't seen it before.]


My issue: I don't have a black dog. I don't have a cute cuddly animal that I want to spend time with. I don't have something that I love. I don't have something that makes me happy. I don't have a black dog. I have watched the video before. Up until recently I enjoyed it. I have started to think about it more because I don't have a black dog. Why? Dogs are not something that I find terrifying, that I don't like, or that I don't want. I like dogs and this analogy just doesn't work for me anymore. The ending makes it sound so simple to train the black dog, but I don't have a black dog. If I had anything resembling a black dog it would be this:

Source: http://www.thedailytouch.com/georgina/the-science-of-my-life-harry-potter/

And even this is a little stretched because his name is Fluffy, he's from a children's story book, and he's easily subdued. However, most of the time if I had a black dog, he'd look just like this - snarling and ready to strike. I have a monster. A monster that isn't afraid of garlic, salt, the sun, or a full moon. A monster that creeps up without warning. A monster that gives no mercy. A monster that is so large it consumes me whole. I don't always know where the monster comes from or when it'll show it's head but he's there - always.

My monster can hit me like a ton of bricks - out of nowhere. I can be functioning perfectly fine on my own and then one day I just won't want to get out of bed. It's happened recently. He's back and he's not exactly cooperating, although he never really does because he answers to no one. For the past few weeks I have struggled. I have had mornings when I just didn't care about anything. I have had days where I don't want to get out of bed, and I surely don't want to have to leave my apartment or interact with other people. These thoughts are ones that have become more frequent. I have not succumbed to them entirely though; before I would have. I have pushed through. I have gotten out of bed. I have gotten dressed. I have gone to work. However, I don't know if that's the best option either. Do I force myself up and out and risk being irritable, short-tempered, and perhaps even down right mean to others? Or do I let it consume me for however long it'll stick around this time? There's no right answer because there are too many variables to account for. I can't take days off. I don't have the time. Instead I'm here. Fragile and withdrawn. Don't get too close, I don't know how I'll react. My emotions are on a high speed roller coaster and I'm not at the control panel.I don't know when they'll creep up a steep slope, crash down, or throw me for a complete loop.

I'm not asking for your pity. I'm not asking for your advice. I'm surely not asking for you to care. I'm just letting you know that just because we've stopped talking about it doesn't mean that I've stopped dealing with it.

Authenticity.

Awakening

This isn't about you. This isn't about me. It's about the students we so vocally say we advocate for. Working for 2.5 years at a community college really opened my eyes to the other side of Higher Education. The students I worked with were dealing with so many obstacles that makes you be grateful for what you have. How do we help students who are homeless when not living in the residence halls? Where do they go when the halls close and they can't stay? What about the students who can't go home because of a poor family environment? How do we help students who are unable to buy clothes for an interview? These are issues I helped them face. These are the issues that I was drawn to help fix when I was majoring in Social Work and Counseling as an undergrad. I miss this work. I miss being empathetic. I miss being someone who resolved issues. I miss feeling like my work mattered. Why do I feel like we've turned into corporate America? College and Universities are businesses, but without students where do we stand? Students are our jobs. Yet we somehow are so enthralled by people who are unlike us that we lose this focus.

And oddly enough, as I was typing this post I saw this pop up on my Facebook newsfeed - my sentiments exactly! [Quote courtesy of Shigeo James Iwamiya]

Post by Tim Lade.

So where did this begin? Well The Student Affairs Blog posted a tweet on Saturday that started a conversation among some professionals and myself.

CURIOUS: Are Saturdays off for dressing up your way or for getting comfy? #SAchat
— Student Affairs (@The_SA_Blog) March 29, 2014

I responded that any day not in the office was a dress down day. Others brought up the new buzz word "authenticity" and dressing how they do because of who they are. I also said that my idea of comfy is a hoodie and gym shorts, which is not the acceptable attire for most offices in Student Affairs. I don't agree with this. I don't see why we set a dress code or limits on professionals. I don't get why we will push our students to be themselves, but yet we are sterile and rigid when it comes to staff. If I want blue hair, a body covered in tattoos, and piercings - why can't I be seen as professional? If I come to work in a hoodie and gym shorts how does that affect my ability to do my job? Do you think students look at what we wear and judge us as professional or not? Do you honestly think that they even notice? Sure, if you make a drastic change in your usual attire they might, but other than that (as long as you're dressed) they could care less. So why does it matter? Yep, it's because we have to dress to impress our colleagues. We have to dress to impress our supervisors. We have to dress to impress our institution's leadership team. But why? Why is this something that has to happen? Why do we have to separate ourselves? What does our clothing have to do with our jobs? Do you need to wear a suit to be in power or is it to feel powerful? Why are we so concerned with separating ourselves from our students? Why must there be such a divide? But it's not about separating ourselves; it's about being professional you say? What makes it professional? Who defines that?

My worth is not based on the clothes I wear.

My worth is not based on my gender.

My worth is not based on my race.

My worth is not based on my sexuality.

My worth is not based on my education. 

My worth is not based on your perception or opinion of me.

(I hate the phrase "perception is reality." We need to stop using that scapegoat. Can we bring back "don't judge a book by it's cover" instead?)

I admit, this is a trigger for me. I have recognized it as such; although it took a little while for me to do so. See, I didn't grow up in suburban middle-class America. I didn't grow up in a stable household. I am the product of unwed twenty something's that were never together during my lifetime. I am the product of the Welfare Nation. I grew up with Salvation Army Christmases. My mother consistently worked more than one job at a time to provide us the little she was able to. When a natural disaster took our home we had nothing. We spent 18 months being homeless. We spent many nights eating peanut butter and jelly saltine cracker sandwiches. (One reason why it took me years to be able to eat peanut butter again.) We finally were able to get on our feet enough to find a new home. It was hardly a home though. I know struggle. I know hard times. I'm not better than anyone else, and I'm not trying to be. What I am trying to do is to get people thinking - thinking about your actions and your words. When you judge another for their appearance, what does that say about yourself?

What we continue to say is that if you don't look like us, you can't be one of us. Well guess what - you're bullying. You're sitting there in your tower of privilege and telling people what is and isn't acceptable. You're telling others that they aren't good enough and maybe that they'll never be good enough. I was bullied for most of my life. At home I was told that I never should've been born. At school I was told that I was fat, stupid, and poor. I was fat. I was poor. I didn't deserve to be treated badly because of it. I didn't get new school clothes, and if I did they were definitely not name brand items. I grew up at a time when there were no clothes for fat girls. I shopped mostly in the boys/men's departments. I was made fun of for it. I was taunted and laughed at. I was seen as an outcast among my peers. I didn't fit in with the other girls. I was bullied for the clothes I wore then. This is my trigger. I do not need to be told I am not good enough by colleagues who do not know my story. I should not be bullied or judged because my professional attire does not fit into your standards. Maybe when I am making a living wage I'll be able to afford the nice suits and business attire, but until then you should just be happy that I am wearing clothes at all. Can we also take a minute to realize that entry level professionals do not have the same luxuries as those in mid-level or senior level? Even being a live-in professional can be financially difficult. We all have our own stories. We all have our own hardships. Stop. Think. What you say and how you say it matters. Is there someone in your office who might not be dressing to your standards? Ask yourself, "why is that their problem?" and "why does this matter to you?" because this really is your issue, no theirs.

I don't agree with it. I don't believe we should be putting our efforts into each other's wardrobes and appearances. We are here to do a job. I can do my job. I can do my job even better if I didn't have to worry about who's going to judge me next. Clothes do not make the person. I don't think this is where our energy should lie. We don't have to look the same. We don't have to think the same, and I prefer that we didn't. Although, I usually am the one on the outside looking in because I'm not one who goes with the flow. I don't sit idly by and march with the lemmings. I never was one to do that. I have questions. I have ideas. I have beliefs that I will continue to follow. I'm not asking everyone to be like me, but what I will do is ask you why is it so difficult to accept others for being different than you? I hope we stop bullying. I hope that we stop telling people they're not good enough.

Yes, the beast is awake and I don't really think she needs to hibernate anymore.

Is this authentic enough for you?

Hold on to your seat - I'm just getting started.

To be Thankful.

A lot of people I know have been doing their daily posts about what they are thankful for. I did  something similar last year based off of a bulletin board one of my RA's completed in our building. This year I decided that I didn't want to do a daily tally. Instead I wanted to just pick one thing to be thankful for, to be focused on, and to be looking forward to.

After moving to Buffalo in late July of this past year and signing up for all of my health care benefits; I was on the hunt for a doctor. I wanted someone close to home/work, had reasonable hours, and accepted my insurance plan. I called a doctor's office I thought fit those criteria to set up an intake appointment. This was back in August and the earliest I could be seen was today, November 26th at 8:15 a.m. I luckily had not been sick and was not anticipating getting seriously ill so I decided to hold out and wait for this doctor. Today I went in for my appointment and was a bit taken back. The bedside manner was not one I would pick for myself, but I'm not running scared yet. The doctor did bring up some things that I had not been asked about before or that had been done - namely a test, which I forget the medical term for - but it's for people with asthma. I haven't undergone anything since I was diagnosed with asthma in the 4th grade. However, I can't seem to meet any doctor's who don't automatically harp on my weight and that I'm in the BMI category as morbidly obese. She asked about my cholesterol levels and blood pressure to see if I have ever had any issues with it, because of course if you are morbidly obese you must have health issues! She was shocked when my blood pressure was normal/better than "healthy" people, which my blood pressure has never been an issue. Although, she insisted on having blood work done so that my cholesterol could be checked. I knew I had been tested recently because of my liver disease (yes I'm aware, I'm not in 100% health BUT my levels had normalized before I moved out of Maine), but I couldn't recall the results. I did find with all of this. I had a logical answer for every question the doctor asked. I knew about my health. I was conscious of my current state. I had answers for what I was doing to increase my health. My doctor only truly shocked me when they stated that I needed to be on a 1,200 calorie diet; which is the absolute lowest caloric intake someone should have in a day. My doctor then restated that I should be on a diet that is between 1,200 - 1,500 calories. I still was in shock. I have used apps, and websites, and programs to lose weight before. With each one I have tried or used I have never been given such a low caloric intake amount. I have decided that my doctor is nuts, but I did not run scared and I am not going to. I don't need a doctor who cares. I don't think I want one. I just need a doctor who knows enough to help me when I need medical attention. I can care for/about myself on my own, and I am okay with that.

Last December I purchased a year of Noom Pro and lost 25lbs. I have kept that 25lbs, within a pound or two off since then. I have not used Noom Pro consistently either. I was much better before, but I have not kept up with it lately. I wanted something that offered more freedom, because Noom is a smartphone app it's hard to get accurate information. I decided to change it up and I splurged on a FitBit. I had heard about them and seen them around but never wanted to spend so much money on an item I wasn't sure would work. I've been using it for a few days and am really pleased! These are my stats from today (as of 7:30pm).

After visiting my doctor I changed my plan from Medium (lose 1lb a week) to Extreme (lose 2lbs a week) and that still has me above 1,500 calories. I'm going to do this my own way. 

I am thankful for my health. I am thankful that I still have it, even if it's not up to par with where it should be. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to see a doctor. I am thankful that I have insurance that doesn't cost astronomical amounts in order for me to be treated. I am thankful that I have learned a lot in the past year. I am thankful that I have a network of other Student Affairs professionals who are working on their health too. I am thankful that I know people who are not judgmental. I am thankful that I have found the ability to be happy with who I am, even if others don't expect or think I should be. I am thankful that I have not lost myself. I am thankful that I, although sometimes hard to find, have the ability and time to focus on myself. I am thankful that I have found some sort of focus. I am thankful.

This means something to me.

An expectation of my current position is that my colleagues and I create multiple programs each semester based on diversity, sustainability, and community service. Last week I was the lead on an immersion program that focused on diversity; an adaptation of Archie Bunker's Neighborhood. It was actually a great success. We are also working on an event to bring awareness to Hunger and Homelessness by trying to plan a "One Night Without a Home" event at the end of National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week. I brought this idea forward. I was excited to get the chance to work on something like this again, as I had supported Resident Assistants at University of Pittsburgh-Greensburg when I was working there as a Graduate Resident Director. When I was at Pitt-Greensburg we didn't orchestrate a large event like "One Night Without a Home", but it's something that I've always been interested in trying to make happen.

This is something that I was working on. This is something that I wanted to happen. During some of the planning meetings with my colleagues were trying to decide how this program was going to work, what we were going to provide, what students could bring. I wanted to try to be as realistic as possible. I didn't want students to bring cell phones. I didn't want students to bring ipods/radios/etc. I didn't want to really allow for too many amenities that take away from the experience. I got resistance. We're in Buffalo, NY in November.  I get it. We need to think about the safety of the students. I get it. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I would like them to have an experience to think about. I don't like fluff. I don't like glossing over hard topics. This means something to me.

Sitting in the planning meetings it was hard to not speak up. It was difficult to just nod my head and wave the white flag. I wasn't ready to share. I didn't want to share. I didn't want to go into the details right then, right there. I get it now. I thought about how the last planning meeting went and what I was holding back from saying. I get it now. I understand why this means something to me.

I was homeless.

I was homeless.

I was homeless.

January 19, 1996 a flood devastated my town. Just two years prior my town was also struck by disaster; another flood, one in which I almost lost my life, but that's a whole other story. January 19, 1996, this date is stuck in my brain. Throughout the flood my family and I were in our house; second floor duplex. I watched our car that was parked out front get swept by our house. I watched our brick garage collapse. I watched other people's belongings go down stream. I watched my town become a raging river. These are things I remember vividly. We stayed in our home until the water subsided later into the evening. We were rescued by neighbors who drove a backhoe to our front porch and scooped us to safety. We had nowhere to go. We were homeless. We were renting our home from the church we belonged to. We had been renting the same house since 1987. I don't recall the details but one of the jobs my Mom had was as a cook for the only restaurant in town. The owner and my Mom's boss allowed us to move into a room on her second floor. A family from our church who owed a very large house allowed us to keep belongings that we didn't lose in their basement. For 9 months my mother, my sister, and myself lived in a single room. We shared one full size bed, one in which I would usually get kicked out of and slept on the floor because I moved and kicked in my sleep too much. For 9 months we lived in a single room. I was lucky that I was in school because I could count on getting a meal. I was lucky that sometimes my school bus would arrive at school early enough so that I could eat breakfast, these days I loved. For 9 months most of my dinners were made of peanut butter and jelly on saltines. Our luck changed slightly. We were still homeless, but we seemed to be moving up in the world. The family that owned the backhoe had an unfinished basement that wasn't really being used, we were welcomed in their space so we had a little more room. We moved our belongings we had with us from the single room above the restaurant that my mother worked in to an unfinished basement in the home of family friends. We were still homeless. The family had a pull out couch in the basement. My mother and sister slept on the couch, I slept on the couch cushions on the concrete floor. We were homeless, but we at least felt like we had a place to call home for now. For another 9 months we were homeless. My mother worked 3-4 jobs during this time to try and support us to find a new place to live. We were homeless for a total of 18 months. Things didn't automatically get better. With all that my mother was able to save we purchased an old 1960's trailer. During the time that we owned the trailer the back half of the electrical system went and to get power into the master bedroom, which my sister and I shared, we had to run industrial extension cord. This is how we got power to the bathroom too. During the time we owned that home anytime it rained we would have a waterfall in the middle of our living room. This home wasn't perfect. It's not what most people would call a home, but it was ours and we made it the best we could.

This program isn't to be a mockery. This program is to bring awareness. We hoped to educate students. I hoped to get them thinking about what some people go through. I want to challenge them. I want to see how this makes them feel. I want to see their thought process. I want it to me something to them because this means something to me.

I'm asking too much.

National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week is November 16-24

I thought I was alone.

I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one with a never ending ticket on the struggle bus. I thought I was losing my mind. I thought I was inadequate. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was wrong. I thought I was failing. Most importantly, I thought I was alone...

As most know, there was a recent article published in Huffington Post by Ken Schneck, PhD entitled Student Affairs Administrators Get Suicidal Too (and yes, if you haven't read it, please do), there has been a large outcry through social media outlets on how people can help, what people should be doing, what changes can be made. I'm glad. I'm glad that this is a topic. However, I'm also weary that anything will change. I'm weary that this is just the hot ticket item of the moment. I read a lot of various blog posts, tweets,  and Facebook statuses in regards to mental illnesses amongst professionals in Student Affairs. There were a lot of good thoughts shared. I think I resonated with a post by Kristen Abell on her blog Kristendom entitled Mental Illness and Student Affairs the most. It's because just recently I had spoken up about my own battle with depression and mental illness, but she had been doing it for quite some time. On September 17, 2013 I wrote a blog in response to a video that was shared within my network. That post only received 26 views. I have hope that with recent events and the thought provoking discussions happening that I will see change. That I will see people speaking out, helping, assisting, asking questions and seeking answers.

I shared the article from HP on my Facebook wall and I asked for my friends to share their thoughts. A few people did. I had some thoughts at that time and shared them. They are as follows:

I still think there's a larger underlying issue: coming forward with a mental health disease is still seen as a weakness. How can you be seen as competent when dealing with emergency situations and crises if your supervisor knew you were depressed? What about the institution you worked for? Are you a liability now? Until we stop treating mental illnesses as a problem and accept them as a real disease people will suffer in silence. I've had kind supervisors in the past who encouraged and accepted the occasional "mental health day" as a reason to be absent from work, but how many institutions actually value that? If you work 40 hrs a week in an office, participate and attend evening programs, and work on the weekends - what time is left to take care of yourself? Maybe it's the field that's setting people up for failures. What policies are set in place to actually support employees? Not just in a gloss over sense, but policies that truly help them be great employees and people. I say things that people don't want to hear. I bring up questions that people can't answer, or don't necessarily want the answer to, but these are things that we don't look at. These are things that need to be looked at. These are things that need to be changed.

I still stand by that. I do think that there are places who can value work that an employee does and undervalue the employee. I have seen it. I have been there. It's not easy. It's hard to want to be a part of something so great when there are pieces of it that break you down. I have thought of leaving the field. I've actually have had those thoughts more frequently in recent years, which is difficult for me to admit. I love what I do. I really do. I love working with students. I love challenging them and seeing their growth throughout the year. I enjoy helping when I can. I get frustrated when I can't. I don't think that's a bad thing.
What I do want to see is more consistency. I want to see more willingness to work together. I want to see people working towards a change, not just at your institution or in your position. We have professional organizations; how can they help, what can they do?

I don't want this to be forgotten. I don't want to feel like I'm alone. I don't want to feel forgotten. I don't want to be the black sheep. (I know some people will say, "But you put yourself there. You pride yourself on being the black sheep". No. No I don't. I pride myself on being the person who stands up for things that she is passionate about, things that she wants to see change, things that she is desperately asking for someone to listen and help with. I'm just never any good at asking for help.)




My post may get lost amongst the shuffle too, but I hope it reaches some. I know that there are definitely more posts out there on this topic, but I'm going to share some of the ones I have read. Please feel free to read, share, pass them along to people you think might benefit from reading them. [Thank you to the authors for writing and sharing your thoughts.]

Renee Piquette Dowdy: What Breaks You

Ann Marie Klotz: Why Are We Not Talking About Wellness?

Becca Obergefell: Healing and Helping - Taking Care of Ourselves Too

Joe Sabado: Work/Life Balance Discussion - A Privilege?
Mike Bowers: Helping Yourself to Help Others: Mental Well Being Tips for Student Affairs Practitioners

Break the silence: It begins with us.

If you have not seen this video, I suggest watching it.
















Because of this video I have decided to write this post. I've lived in silence. I didn't want to give in because I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to be seen as weak. I didn't want to be viewed any differently than I already was. I was the fat kid in school. I was the poor kid in school. I was the kid who went above and beyond trying to make others feel wanted/needed when no one cared about me. I was the kid who fought for a voice. I was the kid who stopped trying. I was the kid that flew under the radar. I was the kid who was abused for speaking up. I was the kid who stopped fighting it. I was the kid who let it get the best of me. I was the kid who was on the outside looking in. I was the kid who was silently screaming for help. I was the kid that never got help...

It took me until I was 27 years old to admit to myself that I had depression and I needed help.

It took me until I was 27 years old.

27 years old. 

I had suffered for 15 years before telling anyone.
Yes, I was 12 when it started. 

We don't talk about it because no one wants to know. We don't talk about it because we don't want to be viewed as broken, as weak, as crazy. We don't talk about it because when we do we know the judging begins. We don't talk about it because we know people will start to tip toe around us. We don't talk about it because we know if you don't suffer from depression you don't understand. We don't talk about it because sometimes it's easier/safer to suffer alone. We don't talk about it because we're afraid.

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." - F.D.R

We should not be feared. We should not be afraid. Break the silence.

Internal Struggle of a Woman in Student Affairs

*Update: So I originally wrote this in a fluster of emotions and have decided that it could use some tuning. I have edited this entry. Please feel free to give it another read.

My career has always been more important to me than the traditional path that young girls are told about and then dream about during their youth. I'm not sure if it's truly because I am a Capricorn and we are more determined in our careers, or the fact that I grew up in a single parent home and watched my mother struggle to take care of my sister and I my entire life. Seeing her work multiple jobs, come home exhausted, and still try to do what she could to give us a memorable childhood is something that I will never forget. I don't want to. Her struggles have become a part of me as I've used them to keep myself going.

For the majority of the time I am not bothered by not being settled, with no fiancee or husband, and no dependents. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please. But then there are those times when it all hits me and I realize that I'm almost the big 3-0 and I have little to nothing to show for it. Yes, I have a job. I am employed. What does that really say though? I haven't made any major breakthroughs or presented anything memorable in my field so just holding the position doesn't even seem like an accomplishment anymore.

I thought obtaining my Master's degree was going to make a difference. I feel no different. I now just question if that was even worth it. I'm the first person in my family to graduate college. I should be proud of that, and I am; it just doesn't make me anymore established now. I need that drive, the jolt that I used to have to be proud of what I was doing. I don't know where it went or why it left. I may have to construct some "lost, if found contact me" posters. I truly would like that back.

What people who know me don't understand is that I do have an internal struggle that creeps out every now and then. It's job hunting season. It's also wedding season, and that's usually quickly followed by baby season. Every now and then I say "I don't want to get married" or "I don't want to have kids...I have to take care of enough already", and being a live-in professional that is not far from the truth. However, I was, in my own mind, a typical little girl dreaming about her wedding day and how it would be. Over the course of the years it's changed from time to time, but it's always been the same result - I get married. I certainly like my alone time but I don't like being lonely - and those are two very different things.

So in the job hunting season there are multiple feelings that come out. If you are job hunting you're filled with stress, anxiety, confusion, hope, excitement, and hopefully in the end satisfaction because you landed the job that you were really going after. If you're not job hunting you could be feeling anxious or confused because you may not know if you should be looking or if it's time. When is the right time? Is there a right time? This also leads to periods of jealousy too - yes it happens. If you're job searching you see other colleagues or professionals excitedly sharing their good news. For them you are happy, but for you it's: "what's wrong with me?", "why can't I find a job?", "will I ever find one?" and the despair can spiral out of control from there.

People don't usually relate the two, but job hunting season is a lot like wedding season. You have to find the right dress/interview attire, you have to plan travel/honeymoon, you have to plan time away from work, writing the thank you letters, etc. For those who are planning/searching you deal with the aforementioned feelings. Seriously, if Higher Education wasn't stressful enough - they throw in June to really mess with your plans.

I'm not even going to touch on baby season...more than it's really hard to be nice when you see an ugly baby picture. Come on, we've all seen them - it happens. All babies are not cute.

And for those who are not in the midst of any of these seasons, we're stuck on the sidelines trying to navigate our lives around all the new status updates, tweets, and pictures inundating us with your happy news. I'm happy for you, I really am, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to figure out what I should find important in my life with all that being thrown at me. When you are 28, single, and with no children society really doesn't understand that asking "when are you going to settle down", "when are you getting married?", "don't you want to have children?", really isn't that nice. That's a lot of pressure people!

Over the course of this past year I've thought about all this more than I have ever before. I never was one to like staying in one place. I've always been interested in traveling and having my own experiences, but now I can't help but fight off the homesickness. It's time for a change when you can be in a room full of people and  feel out of place or completely alone. I am searching. I have hopes that I will find a position and location that is exactly what I am looking for. I am trying to get a grasp on this crazy thing called life. Can you have two mid life crisis's? Because I surely thought I went through one when I was 25. Maybe it just hasn't ended yet? Do men have similar struggles? Am I really that alone in this?

I don't have the answers. I may never have them. However, if I do get married and have children - I do not want my children to ever feel like they have to get married and have children to feel like they are someone. Life is different for everyone and happiness can surround us all.

I don't think I've ever been this lost or confused.

Follow Up: What people don't know

I've debated doing this. I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually put this out here or not, but I've felt that maybe it'll be good. Maybe this will be a bit of a personal blog with random professional entries? Who knows. I was never sure what this was going to be anyhow.

My tests results have come in. I received a phone call from my doctors while I was home on vacation  I of course missed the call and had to call them back. I called my doctor's back and none of the nurses were available. The receptionist gave me my test results.

I have fatty liver disease.

I have a follow up appointment with my doctor for additional tests on January 30th. All I have been told is to, of course, cut down on my fat intake and eat more fruits and vegetables. The funny thing is, is that I don't eat a lot of high fat foods. I don't eat a lot of foods in general. I don't know why or how this happened, but all I can do is move forward. I have continued to eat healthier, or tried my best while on vacation. I have had some success. The last time I posted I stated I had lost 8.4lbs. I am now down a total of 16.6lbs! I have a goal of dropping an additional 20lbs by March. It's a slow process, but I am motivated for this goal. I also hope that I will know more after my doctors appointment at the end of the month.

So, here I go on another journey...

What people don't know.

There are a lot of aspects about my life that people do not know. I do keep things private. I don't try and put any of my burdens on anyone else. I feel like there comes a time that you need to tell people what is going on; if not only for the fact that they might interact with you better if they knew the truth. So, instead of my usual professional life post, this one is going to be personal.

Confused yet? Before this goes on in circles I'll get down to the nitty gritty.

For most of my life I have been fat. I've accepted that fact and have lived with it. Until recently the most I've ever weighed was 270 pounds. However, for some reason that number has sky rocketed and I gained a lot of weight in a very short period of time. I can't remember when it was now, but within the past year I had to have a procedure down to check my digestive system. Of course it's nice when your doctor is blunt and notifies you that the worst case scenario is that you might have cancer. Luckily, this procedure produced no concrete results of any serious issues. So, I've been just living life a day at a time and not thinking much of my health.

Although, one of the things that I have been doing off an on is using apps geared towards tracking calories and healthy eating. For months I was using MyFitnessPal, which does work and is a good program. I however didn't find great success with it, which is why I had used it off and on. I have an Android smartphone and it has enabled me to do a lot with being more mindful of what I'm eating and doing. I thought I was doing well.

Within the past 3 months my weight has been rising and I haven't changed much of what I've been doing. A little over a week ago I noticed that the muscles in my legs seemed tight when I did certain movements. I didn't notice anything other than that so I thought nothing of it. I went to a Professional Development Networking event and didn't get home until late. I thought my shoes were fitting a little funny and then I looked down and saw that my feet were swollen. My legs also felt different. As I was changing to get ready for bed I noticed that not only my feet but my legs (calves) were swollen too. They were so swollen that it felt as if they may burst. It was late and I was very tired. I decided that I will just elevate my feet and go to bed. The next day I woke up and made a doctors appointment. At the doctor's I was advised to drink more water, sit with my legs elevated above my heart as much as possible, and make sure I wasn't standing or sitting for too long. The doctor also wanted to run blood tests. I have had blood tests done multiple times over the past 3 months and almost wanted to argue that point. Because I have never had symptoms like this before, I went ahead with the scheduled blood work. At this visit I was shocked that my weight had drastically rose to 303lbs. I've never weighed that much before and it was not a great feeling seeing that on the scale.

My other blood test results had indicated that I had slightly high levels of liver enzymes. My doctor has been monitoring that. After the blood tests I had done on Monday I received a call from my doctor's office stating that my liver enzyme levels were still high and they were scheduling an ultrasound to check my liver. I will be having this done this coming week. My last doctor's appointment before this most current one, I did speak to my doctor about my weight. We discussed what a normal day for me is like. She was very understanding. She stated that I wasn't eating enough food, which has always been an issue for me. I don't eat breakfast, ever. I eat lunch and then dinner. Maybe having a snack between meals and after. So, I decided I would go back to MyFitnessPal. I lasted only a few days as I was searching for a new app that I could be more dedicated to. I luckily found Noom. I basically just use MyFitnessPal to track my progress and Noom for everything else. It's been wonderful. I will tell you all about it, if you want...or even if you don't. I'm excited about it. It may be a silly "gadget" to you, but I need it. Since I started using Noom I've lost 8.4lbs! I've just been eating food too. Sure, the food choices are a bit different now, but this is a whole lifestyle change. Until I know anything about why my liver enzyme levels are high, I'm doing what I can do be healthy and benefit myself. [During all of this my phone was having issues so I had to send it to get fixed. I recently bought myself a tablet and am using that until my phone is returned to me. It's not as mobile, not small enough to fit in my pocket, so it's a little more cumbersome. I think I will do even better when I have my phone back in hand!]

So there you have it: I'm not 100% healthy, but I'm working on getting there - one step at a time. [This is a bit all over the place, my apologies.] 






So in short: I have been eating more food. I have been losing weight. I still have to wait and see what the ultrasound discovers. I'm putting this out there because you can laugh and get annoyed with my gadgets all your want, however I need them. I need something to keep me motivated and excited. Sure, losing my phone has made it a bit more noticeable because I am using my tablet for my tracking purposes, but I don't care. I need to do this for me.