Internal Struggle of a Woman in Student Affairs

*Update: So I originally wrote this in a fluster of emotions and have decided that it could use some tuning. I have edited this entry. Please feel free to give it another read.

My career has always been more important to me than the traditional path that young girls are told about and then dream about during their youth. I'm not sure if it's truly because I am a Capricorn and we are more determined in our careers, or the fact that I grew up in a single parent home and watched my mother struggle to take care of my sister and I my entire life. Seeing her work multiple jobs, come home exhausted, and still try to do what she could to give us a memorable childhood is something that I will never forget. I don't want to. Her struggles have become a part of me as I've used them to keep myself going.

For the majority of the time I am not bothered by not being settled, with no fiancee or husband, and no dependents. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please. But then there are those times when it all hits me and I realize that I'm almost the big 3-0 and I have little to nothing to show for it. Yes, I have a job. I am employed. What does that really say though? I haven't made any major breakthroughs or presented anything memorable in my field so just holding the position doesn't even seem like an accomplishment anymore.

I thought obtaining my Master's degree was going to make a difference. I feel no different. I now just question if that was even worth it. I'm the first person in my family to graduate college. I should be proud of that, and I am; it just doesn't make me anymore established now. I need that drive, the jolt that I used to have to be proud of what I was doing. I don't know where it went or why it left. I may have to construct some "lost, if found contact me" posters. I truly would like that back.

What people who know me don't understand is that I do have an internal struggle that creeps out every now and then. It's job hunting season. It's also wedding season, and that's usually quickly followed by baby season. Every now and then I say "I don't want to get married" or "I don't want to have kids...I have to take care of enough already", and being a live-in professional that is not far from the truth. However, I was, in my own mind, a typical little girl dreaming about her wedding day and how it would be. Over the course of the years it's changed from time to time, but it's always been the same result - I get married. I certainly like my alone time but I don't like being lonely - and those are two very different things.

So in the job hunting season there are multiple feelings that come out. If you are job hunting you're filled with stress, anxiety, confusion, hope, excitement, and hopefully in the end satisfaction because you landed the job that you were really going after. If you're not job hunting you could be feeling anxious or confused because you may not know if you should be looking or if it's time. When is the right time? Is there a right time? This also leads to periods of jealousy too - yes it happens. If you're job searching you see other colleagues or professionals excitedly sharing their good news. For them you are happy, but for you it's: "what's wrong with me?", "why can't I find a job?", "will I ever find one?" and the despair can spiral out of control from there.

People don't usually relate the two, but job hunting season is a lot like wedding season. You have to find the right dress/interview attire, you have to plan travel/honeymoon, you have to plan time away from work, writing the thank you letters, etc. For those who are planning/searching you deal with the aforementioned feelings. Seriously, if Higher Education wasn't stressful enough - they throw in June to really mess with your plans.

I'm not even going to touch on baby season...more than it's really hard to be nice when you see an ugly baby picture. Come on, we've all seen them - it happens. All babies are not cute.

And for those who are not in the midst of any of these seasons, we're stuck on the sidelines trying to navigate our lives around all the new status updates, tweets, and pictures inundating us with your happy news. I'm happy for you, I really am, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to figure out what I should find important in my life with all that being thrown at me. When you are 28, single, and with no children society really doesn't understand that asking "when are you going to settle down", "when are you getting married?", "don't you want to have children?", really isn't that nice. That's a lot of pressure people!

Over the course of this past year I've thought about all this more than I have ever before. I never was one to like staying in one place. I've always been interested in traveling and having my own experiences, but now I can't help but fight off the homesickness. It's time for a change when you can be in a room full of people and  feel out of place or completely alone. I am searching. I have hopes that I will find a position and location that is exactly what I am looking for. I am trying to get a grasp on this crazy thing called life. Can you have two mid life crisis's? Because I surely thought I went through one when I was 25. Maybe it just hasn't ended yet? Do men have similar struggles? Am I really that alone in this?

I don't have the answers. I may never have them. However, if I do get married and have children - I do not want my children to ever feel like they have to get married and have children to feel like they are someone. Life is different for everyone and happiness can surround us all.

I don't think I've ever been this lost or confused.

Quality of Life: Live-In Staff [Pets]

[UPDATE: 3/21/14] So I originally posted this almost a year ago, and it's funny what a year can change. I switched positions but am still at an institution that does not allow professional staff to own pets, other than fish. With my new position I moved closer to home. I have been able to go home a little more often than I had been able to while I was living so far away. This was a nice change. I enjoyed being able to go home and spend time with our dogs. But, what does this have to do with an update?
Well, unfortunately over the past few months my dog that I have had since I was 15 began to have health problems. My mom called me earlier this month saying that they may have to put him down. I checked in after I knew they had brought him to the vet and it seemed like with medication he was getting better. Then, out of the blue two weeks after he was at the vet my dog died at home. I was notified around 10:00 p.m. the night that it happened. For some this might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was. My dog was part of my life for thirteen years. He was my dog through most of my adolescence, and well for anyone who has been through adolescence you know how important those relationships are to you. I took some time off last week to go home, say goodbye, and spend time with our other dog (technically my sister's dog). Having animals around is important to me, and I've realized that this has become a more important issue to not only my professional life but also my personal life. I'm an advocate for allowing live-in professionals the opportunity to have pets on campus. I believe I'm more of an advocate now than I was before. I don't think institutions should just have a "no, never, don't even ask" mindset. They need to be able to allow professionals to make a case and then decide. Maybe all hall apartments aren't set up for a pet policy, but what if you had some options on campus?

RIP 3/10/14 Sid

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Growing up do you remember when you received your first pet?
Do you remember when you first asked, begged, and pleaded with your parents to get you a pet?


It may seem like such a long time ago, but for me I remember most of it clearly. I didn't beg, plead, or ask for a pet my Mom just got them for us. When I was very little we first had a fish tank. I remember because I used to sit down in our living room for hours watching the fish swim around. I'm not sure what happened to the fish tank, but then we got a bird. I remember the bird because one night during summer someone forgot to shut a window, the temperature dropped, and the bird died in it's cage. I remember burying the bird beneath a tree in our backyard. After that it was a few years before we got another pet. The next pet was a cat from a local farm. It was white with orange-ish brown spots. I named her St. Aloysius (it was the church next door and one I had attended my entire life). I grew up with her for most of my childhood. She was an indoor-outdoor cat, and I was there when she had kittens which then we took care of them too. After St. Aloyusis died we got a dog and named him Buddy. Since, we've had other cats and dogs, but also gerbils, fish, and a mouse.

When I moved away for college I owned fish and during breaks I'd go home to the two English Setters we got my Sophomore year of High School. I have only ever been without pets since I became a professional. So what does this have anything to do with? Well, in my previous positions I was close enough to home to still feel like I owned pets. I'd visit the house, play with the two dogs, and things would be fine. However, now that I currently live ten hours from home, I don't get that luxury. Sure, I could have fish - but who wants to pet a fish? Who wants to curl up on a rainy day reading a book on the couch with a fish in your lap? There are just too many things that fish can't do to make them a worthwhile pet now.

As an adult, I am able to purchase a pet and provide for it. However, because of my chosen career I am either limited in this ability or it's stripped from me altogether. I understand that there are arguments on both ends for live-in professionals to have pets. Although it seems that some of the arguments against are frivolous  "What will the residents say? The residents can't have pets." Yes, the residents can't have pets. Are the residents employees of the institution? Employees have different rights and expectations than consumers/customers - this works in all venues.

I haven't done an official poll, but I have asked a few other live-in professionals about this and the ones who are allowed to own pets are much more interested in staying with their institution, are happier at work, and feel more like a professional than just a glorified student. If we are trying to provide the best experience to our students and hire the most qualified individuals; should we not invest in making sure they are going to want to stay? What about modeling good behavior? Being responsible? Pet owners have good time management skills, are reliable, innovative, and caring; so why wouldn't student affairs be interested in keeping people with these skills. It seems that there's more disservice done than good in having policies against pet ownership.

Quality of Life: Live-In Staff [Live-in Partners]

In increasing numbers states are passing new legislation that is making marriage possible for all, no matter the individuals identified gender. How does this affect Higher Education?

Since I started as a professional I have been single. It's never been a question during interviews whether or not the institution offers professionals with the opportunity to have another adult live with them. As an undergraduate I saw the live-in professionals with their significant others or spouses and never questioned it. Why would I? Why would I think that adults would not be able to live with someone that they loved and had committed to?

I never really paid attention to it. I wasn't interested in falling in love and starting that "next chapter" of my life. I wanted to get an education. I wanted to find a job. I wanted a career.

Now as I close in on the end of my twenties and start seeing friends and relatives my age begin to "settle down", I think about these things a little more. I'm more aware of relationships. I'm also more aware that just because you are seen as a responsible adult, that doesn't mean that in your career you can always have the traditional/common luxuries that everyone else does.

As a live-in professional there are three types of situations, or at least there are three that I can identify:

• Married
• Engaged/Long-term commitment
• Dating/Long-term commitment

Let's discuss these a little closer:

Married:

• You've done it! You tied the knot. You started the next chapter. You're in it for the long haul. You're committed...or one of the many other common sayings about marriage. Congratulations! I have not come across an institution that denies a married professional from living in a residence hall on campus. I haven't really searched either, but I find that there'd be a whole lot of legal mess if they didn't allow it. So you can live with your significant other, you can do your job, you can continue with your career.

Engaged/Long-term commitment:

• You met someone. You fell in love. You've both chosen each other as "the one". Congratulations! Though just because you have committed to each other, it doesn't mean institutions have to recognize that and allow for you to live in a residence hall together. It is a little more common now because there is no Federal law allowing equal marriage rights to everyone...[yet], and not all states have passed their own laws yet. However, it may take a little bit of searching, if you are, for a new position that the new institution would have a policy for it.

Dating/Long-term commitment:

• You met someone. You fell in love. You both may or may not have chosen each other as "the one". You are committed to each other, but may not be ready for engagement or marriage. Maybe you don't want to get married? I believe this is where it gets even more difficult. Institutions in states that have not passed marriage equality laws may still have domestic partner policies or live-in partner policies, but I have found less and less of those.

As a profession do we not talk about modeling good behaviors? Do we not discuss being good role models? Why is it that if someone is good enough to be hired and trusted as a live-in/live-on professional whose responsibility it is to make sound and rationale decisions is it then not allowed for them to be trusted to choose a quality live-in partner? If our professional life decisions are acceptable, why aren't our personal life decisions?

Before, the hot topic was work/life balance, but now people are talking about work/life integration. Do people forget about live-in professionals when they come up with these things? I love what I do. I love living in the residence hall and being a part of the community. I love the after hours conversations that I have with students. I love that there are times when they tell you that you've made a difference - maybe just in their day, week, month, year, but sometimes it's in their entire life. A small thank you speaks volumes to me. I love what I do. I'm not ready to quit. I don't want to quit. But I'm also not ready to move on from my current level of profession. Although I have five years of experience as a entry-level Resident Director, I don't believe it's the same experience as an entry-level RD at a large institution. My background is primarily at small private liberal arts colleges - which I've loved, don't get me wrong - but I don't have the experience of dealing with a paraprofessional staff of more than eight Resident Assistants. I don't have the experience of supervising a Graduate Assistant. I don't feel I would be prepared for an Assistant Director role. Could I do it? I believe so. I just don't believe the overall quality would be great. I don't want to put out poor quality stuff!

So here I am; at the end of my 20's, recent graduate of a Master's program, trying to navigate my next move. Where do I go from here? I haven't exactly figured that one out yet, but I do know - even as a single woman - that in my next position I want to know that I have the option of having someone I love live with me. I want to know that if I find someone, I don't have to wait. I want to know that I can have a career and I can have a personal life. Why must that include marriage? What if I don't want to get married? What if I don't believe in it? Maybe I don't. Maybe I do, but why should I feel that I'm forced into it? I'm aware I will have limited options, but I don't believe it should be that way. The field is growing at a steady rate, if I don't like the terms of one position someone else will. Someone else who may be younger. Someone else who may not care, as I once did. 

What, as professionals, are we saying about our field if we put so many limits on professionals? I am not advocating that I can turn my on campus apartment into a revolving door of possible suitors. I however am advocating that institutions take a closer look at their policies. Maybe they should look at what they present from a would-be candidates eyes. If you had to do it over again, would you want to work there? Would you be able to  live alone? Would you want to?