[Prologue: This has been a brewing post for about a week. I wasn't sure where it was going. I've deleted it and rewrote it a few times. I no longer care if it's worthwhile or not. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be shared.]
There's a YoutTube video that I watched months ago. I enjoyed it. It was a cartoon video explanation of what living with Depression is like. However, now I have an issue with the video. [You can view it below if you haven't seen it before.]
My issue: I don't have a black dog. I don't have a cute cuddly animal that I want to spend time with. I don't have something that I love. I don't have something that makes me happy. I don't have a black dog. I have watched the video before. Up until recently I enjoyed it. I have started to think about it more because I don't have a black dog. Why? Dogs are not something that I find terrifying, that I don't like, or that I don't want. I like dogs and this analogy just doesn't work for me anymore. The ending makes it sound so simple to train the black dog, but I don't have a black dog. If I had anything resembling a black dog it would be this:
And even this is a little stretched because his name is Fluffy, he's from a children's story book, and he's easily subdued. However, most of the time if I had a black dog, he'd look just like this - snarling and ready to strike. I have a monster. A monster that isn't afraid of garlic, salt, the sun, or a full moon. A monster that creeps up without warning. A monster that gives no mercy. A monster that is so large it consumes me whole. I don't always know where the monster comes from or when it'll show it's head but he's there - always.
My monster can hit me like a ton of bricks - out of nowhere. I can be functioning perfectly fine on my own and then one day I just won't want to get out of bed. It's happened recently. He's back and he's not exactly cooperating, although he never really does because he answers to no one. For the past few weeks I have struggled. I have had mornings when I just didn't care about anything. I have had days where I don't want to get out of bed, and I surely don't want to have to leave my apartment or interact with other people. These thoughts are ones that have become more frequent. I have not succumbed to them entirely though; before I would have. I have pushed through. I have gotten out of bed. I have gotten dressed. I have gone to work. However, I don't know if that's the best option either. Do I force myself up and out and risk being irritable, short-tempered, and perhaps even down right mean to others? Or do I let it consume me for however long it'll stick around this time? There's no right answer because there are too many variables to account for. I can't take days off. I don't have the time. Instead I'm here. Fragile and withdrawn. Don't get too close, I don't know how I'll react. My emotions are on a high speed roller coaster and I'm not at the control panel.I don't know when they'll creep up a steep slope, crash down, or throw me for a complete loop.
I'm not asking for your pity. I'm not asking for your advice. I'm surely not asking for you to care. I'm just letting you know that just because we've stopped talking about it doesn't mean that I've stopped dealing with it.
There's a YoutTube video that I watched months ago. I enjoyed it. It was a cartoon video explanation of what living with Depression is like. However, now I have an issue with the video. [You can view it below if you haven't seen it before.]
My issue: I don't have a black dog. I don't have a cute cuddly animal that I want to spend time with. I don't have something that I love. I don't have something that makes me happy. I don't have a black dog. I have watched the video before. Up until recently I enjoyed it. I have started to think about it more because I don't have a black dog. Why? Dogs are not something that I find terrifying, that I don't like, or that I don't want. I like dogs and this analogy just doesn't work for me anymore. The ending makes it sound so simple to train the black dog, but I don't have a black dog. If I had anything resembling a black dog it would be this:
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| Source: http://www.thedailytouch.com/georgina/the-science-of-my-life-harry-potter/ |
My monster can hit me like a ton of bricks - out of nowhere. I can be functioning perfectly fine on my own and then one day I just won't want to get out of bed. It's happened recently. He's back and he's not exactly cooperating, although he never really does because he answers to no one. For the past few weeks I have struggled. I have had mornings when I just didn't care about anything. I have had days where I don't want to get out of bed, and I surely don't want to have to leave my apartment or interact with other people. These thoughts are ones that have become more frequent. I have not succumbed to them entirely though; before I would have. I have pushed through. I have gotten out of bed. I have gotten dressed. I have gone to work. However, I don't know if that's the best option either. Do I force myself up and out and risk being irritable, short-tempered, and perhaps even down right mean to others? Or do I let it consume me for however long it'll stick around this time? There's no right answer because there are too many variables to account for. I can't take days off. I don't have the time. Instead I'm here. Fragile and withdrawn. Don't get too close, I don't know how I'll react. My emotions are on a high speed roller coaster and I'm not at the control panel.I don't know when they'll creep up a steep slope, crash down, or throw me for a complete loop.
I'm not asking for your pity. I'm not asking for your advice. I'm surely not asking for you to care. I'm just letting you know that just because we've stopped talking about it doesn't mean that I've stopped dealing with it.
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