Why I started therapy

Although I had talked to my primary care physician (PCP) about my depression and had tried a variety of medications I never went to a therapist. I sought out a therapist during the time I was being treated under the care of my PCP, but when I met with a woman for the intake she explained my insurance coverage to me. It would be $20 per visit to go. I had already been struggling financially with trying to make ends meet, pay bills, and keep up with student loans. I didn't see where therapy fit and it was difficult for me. I also am not sure that I was ready at the time.

This past May I had a very rough period. It was almost a full two weeks that was completely destroying me. Granted work didn't make it any easier. I was going through the process of ending the semester, closing my building, and transitioning into summer. It was a new process and new procedure for me to learn. All the change was overwhelming and I know I wasn't really in the best of states before it all snowballed together. For that time my thoughts were scattered and I had difficulty in almost every aspect of my life. My mind was filled with thoughts constantly and the most prevalent one was that I just wanted to cease to exist. No, I didn't want to kill myself nor harm myself - I just didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. I was done.

But how can you be down when you have 16 staff members looking for you for guidance, help, and support? It was awful. I continued to try and do my job, but I knew I wasn't really being there for some staff that needed me and my presence more than others and it was difficult. One day I had had enough. I sat down and searched mental disorders. I wasn't convinced that I was just depressed. It had to be something else. It had to be something more. I had never struggled like this before and I was scared. Along with searching up disorders I started looking for therapists. I was past the breaking point - I broke. I had had serious thoughts about checking myself into the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know who could help.

I searched and searched local therapists, but I had no idea how to pick one. So to defer having to go through that I called my insurance company to find out my coverage. I was covered. I had a $20 copay for 20 visits, but after that I would need to get a referral. I didn't care. At this point $20 was worth it. So it was back to square one on trying to locate a therapists. I called numerous places. No answer. Or I was greeted with a voice mail.

A voice mail? I'm not leaving you a voice mail. What do I say? Where do I begin? No no no. I am certainly not doing that! So I kept trying. I finally reached a person and decided to schedule an appointment. The first they would be able to see me was July 1st. JULY 1st! It was May and I was going through the roughest patch I have ever faced - how can I make it to July 1st? I scheduled an appointment but kept trying to find other therapists - I needed to be seen as soon as possible. Before I could locate and call another office I received a call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone. It was a woman asking me if I had called her number previously. I was a little confused but then realized that I had. It was a number listed on one of the therapists information websites. I was shocked. She called me because I didn't leave a message. So we talked. I explained that I was going through a difficult time and needed to see a therapist, she set me up with her office number and told me to schedule something. The number I had called was her cellphone. I called the office and was able to set an appointment up for the next day. I've been going to therapy since then. I have missed two weeks due to a professional conference and vacation, but my therapist is a phone call away if I need her. This week we will be starting EMDR therapy. I have no idea what it's going to be like, but after the past few visits I know it's going to change everything - maybe not tomorrow, but as time goes on it will. Part of going to therapy has really made me realize how much other stuff I have been carrying around with me and it's about time I deal with it.

This week my $20 copay is going to overdraw my bank account, but I can't afford not to go - my life depends on it.

It's time for me to take care of me.

I come first.

What We Learn From Death

So I went and saw "The Fault in Our Stars" this evening. I didn't originally want to. I went back and forth on it for some time, but since it was $5 Tuesdays at the theater I decided it was worth it. See, I didn't read the book so I wasn't sure if that would be a good or bad thing. However, before walking into the theater and buying my ticket I had already guessed the ending - I was right, by the way, but I'm not saying what my thoughts were to spare people from any spoilers.

It was sad. I did cry. However it really wasn't the movie by itself that had me react in this way. By the time I started college I had attended ten funerals, all of which were for friends I had in High School. No, they didn't have cancer. Most of them died from car crashes and one from suicide. It was a very dreary time for what people refer to as someone's formative years. I was surrounded by death and I learned from it.

How do we learn from death? How do we shape ourselves after a heartache and so much grief and pain? I don't think there is one complete answer. To me it really comes down to the person and what it best for them. For me it varied. I found strength in the pain. I found ambition and drive. I found that I couldn't let it get the best of me - and that was the hardest. Coping with loss for anyone is difficult, but coping when you suffer from depression can be near impossible. Sometimes I was able to handle it better, but sometimes it was much more difficult. I started therapy three weeks ago, and the funny thing about that is my therapist is working on stuff from my past because she feels that's where my problems today stem from. Funny how that works, huh?

So as I begin and continue to work with my therapists on years of trauma I still think about what I learned from death:

1. Life is short. What makes you happy? Are you doing it or trying to get there? If not, why? Life is short! Why waste it being unhappy or better yet - why waste it waiting? People tell me that my resume is one red flag after another because I have switched jobs frequently. But is it? There are reasons why I don't stay and sometimes it's because I know life is short, and that I don't have time to waste in a position that stalls out. Sorry not sorry.

2. Failure is inevitable, but not the end. I learned this more from the people that had died, than their deaths themselves. One of my friends battled with drug and alcohol abuse before being killed in a car crash. They were a free spirit and definitely lived their live by the beat of their own drum. I admired that. This didn't make them immune to struggle and through their failures they continued to prevail. You can do almost anything for a little while, but it doesn't have to be your forever. Keep trying because you don't know where it will lead you.

3. Relationships and the connections with others matter. How many times do we blow off plans because we're "busy"? I'm guilty of this. I've done it for a variety of reasons, but at the end of the day it can lead to regret. The next time you're invited somewhere - think about it! What is more important? Will you be able to do this ever again? Sometimes you need to stop and think before just turning an offer down. Make an effort to spend time with family and friends because you don't know what will happen. Like the quote says: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." 

4. Don't forget you. At different times we can get so caught up in everything going on around us that we forget about ourselves. Did you eat enough today? Did you drink enough water? Did you get enough sleep? Did you remember to take a minute to just breath? Our lives are so much in motion that sometimes in all of our obligations, responsibilities, and just the hustle and bustle we forget that we're people too. We can't help others and we can't take care of others if we are not there for ourselves. There are times when you should be selfish - and you need to be!

5. Don't stop. When you think you've had enough, keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up on yourself because someone or something isn't in your life anymore. Don't give up on yourself because you are struggling. You're important. You matter. If you are having difficulty seeing that ask for help. You might be surprised to see who is there for you when you need it.

Although there is pain and loss there is a lot you can take away from it. It can be a reminder and a motivator to continue on your path - whichever that may be. It will take time. Take the time that you need, but keep going.

Why I Don't Talk About My Mental Health at Work

So I've had a rough week. It's interesting seeing as I was on 'vacation' from Thursday at 5:00 pm last week to Tuesday at 9:00 am this week. I really need to know better than to think that a vacation at home when there are 12 people in my parents three bedroom home would do me any good. Let alone having to sleep in a recliner, my car, or the floor which was just a piece of the iceberg. As a 'fun' thing the paraprofessional appreciation banquet committee decided that the entire professional staff would perform a dance for the paraprofessional staff members. I cringed. I do not perform. I do not dance. However the tone from the leadership team regarding this was that it's mandatory; everyone has to participate. I tried putting every negative thought that was running through my head out of my mind. I decided that it was not going to be a big deal. I could do it. I would be fine.

I accepted the calendar invite for the practice. I was on board. I was going to do this. Then there was an update sent out. They had videoed the dance we were supposed to learn and perform in front of the staff. I watched both videos. During the first I was still trying to be optimistic. I told myself that there were a lot of staff members and that I would be fine. After the second video finished I was halfway into a panic attack. I was sweating, my heart racing, and my hands trembled. I can't do this. I knew it would be difficult for me, as this is not something I am comfortable with doing at all. Even when it was first mentioned I had trouble keeping my composure. So, before I had left for my aforementioned vacation I had sent an e-mail expressing some concerns with the upcoming paraprofessional appreciation banquet.

I knew it would not be well received. I knew stating that I could not participate because of anxiety would not go over well. However, I was not expecting the response that I got.

Now, don't get me wrong this seems to be a anomaly, but it did in fact still happen. I've taken a day to decompress and I'm still hurt and confused by it. As an educational moment I was told that the act of participating in the performance teaches me humility. Yes, I admit that I do not exactly understand the correlation. I asked to be excused because I knew that if I got up on stage and had to perform I would go into a full blown panic attack. I have not had one since I was in High School, but I have also not felt this way about a situation in a long time either. I might be wrong. I'm okay with that. You reading this may think I am being over-dramatic. I'm okay with that. I'm okay because this is what I have dealt with for years - being misunderstood by others. I have consistently been judged for things that I can not necessarily control. I know some triggers and I know ways to handle myself. I don't know everything though.

Part of the response I also got was that this is what Student Affairs is - we're the fun outgoing performers and it really grinds my gears. No. Not all of us are. Nor should we be pressured of forced to be. I am tired of being told how I am supposed to be and how I should be acting. I am my own person. I do my job. I also think I do it fairly well. I do not need to be on stage dancing in front of over 250 people to show humility. I am not superwoman - although sometimes I feel like I am because of all the stuff I actually do accomplish. I was asking to be excused because I have anxiety - something that I had not disclosed before. I was brave in sharing that as it was not easy for me to do so. I didn't need a warm fuzzy response; as I knew I would not get one, but I did need support.

I left the conversation feeling shamed and misunderstood. Yes, people can throw around words like anxiety and it no mean anything to them, but this is real for me. This just confirmed my fears. I can not be brave. I can not share. This is just one more time that without so many words I've been told and/or treated like there is something wrong with me. (Granted, I know there is, but it does not make me any less of a person.) Stop telling me I'm not good enough. Stop telling me that being different is bad. Stop telling me that because I am different I do not matter. You may not use words, but your tone, actions, and how you reply are all saying it to me. This is why I struggle. This is why I question my choices to stay. This is why I want to leave Student Affairs; we're a bunch of hypocrites who turn on anyone who is different and unlike us. SHAME ON US!

I'm doing the best that I can. I'm sorry that's not good enough for others.

Response to "On Alcohol and Student Affairs"

I spent my evening at two different programs that were going on in my residential area, but I was just spending some time unwinding by scrolling through Facebook afterward. Something jumped out at me as I went down the page. Two colleagues of mine had shared the same article. Of course this happens frequently, but it wasn't the usual new article. They were sharing a blog post written by another colleague, Becki Elkins entitled "On Alcohol and Student Affairs". It's a great personal story, but raised a lot of really good questions/points. I don't want to make this about my story, as I think Becki needs to be recognized for her strength in sharing this with us, but my response is a bit more personal.

See, I love this. I love what Becki wrote. I love what Becki shared. I don't think I love it for the same reasons that most others do, and that's fine. I love this because it brings light to an issue we seem to be blind to. Do we really need to host socials at bars? Do we need to have every event circulated around an alcoholic beverage? Why is there such a need to 'unwind' with a glass of wine or beer? Sure if you truly think that helps or works for you - more power to you. I just don't think it's needed. I haven't been to a national conference, but I don't believe my understanding of the social aspects is entirely wrong. There is a lot of drinking that happens there. Of course, there are a lot of people and most know their limits, but there are some who are overdue for a vacation and get carried away. How does this help us when bartenders, waiters, hotel staff witness this side? Yes, I know it's not everyone but it is still happening in our field. What do we do? How can we help those who need it?

I was at a bad place in my life early on in my career and used alcohol as a crutch. Taking a depressant while depressed doesn't do any good. I knew that from all of my training and educational courses, but I didn't care. I knew enough to drink at the right times and in the right locations, but I did indulge more than I should've. That lasted for at least a year. Then one day I just stopped. I decided that I was worth more than I was giving myself credit for and wanted to be able to do better for myself. I haven't had a drink since October 31, 2010. Sometimes I do want a drink. I know I could handle it. I wouldn't buy any to take home, but out to dinner or at a bar I could have a drink. I could do it. I would be okay.

Just as I thought about trying a drink again I was diagnosed with liver disease. I'm never allowed to drink again. Do you know how hard it is to get to know new people or make plans at a new job when everyone else wants to go to a bar? Sure, I can go. Sure I can drink something else. However, do you know how many times people ask me why I'm not drinking? Why does it matter? Why do we care so much about another's choice or reason? It's so much easier for me to just stay by myself than connect with others because I don't want to have to explain my story. I don't want to have to continue to let everyone know. They don't need to know. They don't need to ask, but they do. They always do.

So I ask:

• How do we support the people who fight these battles?
• What can we do to help?

I'd like to send a personal message to Becki - no, you are not alone. I may not need to attend meetings and I may not struggle with this addiction, but you are not alone. If we are ever at the same conference I will go to a meeting with you. I hate mornings, but I will be there with you because we all need more people working with us. 

Authenticity.

My Black Dog is a Monster

[Prologue: This has been a brewing post for about a week. I wasn't sure where it was going. I've deleted it and rewrote it a few times. I no longer care if it's worthwhile or not. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be shared.]

There's a YoutTube video that I watched months ago. I enjoyed it. It was a cartoon video explanation of what living with Depression is like. However, now I have an issue with the video. [You can view it below if you haven't seen it before.]


My issue: I don't have a black dog. I don't have a cute cuddly animal that I want to spend time with. I don't have something that I love. I don't have something that makes me happy. I don't have a black dog. I have watched the video before. Up until recently I enjoyed it. I have started to think about it more because I don't have a black dog. Why? Dogs are not something that I find terrifying, that I don't like, or that I don't want. I like dogs and this analogy just doesn't work for me anymore. The ending makes it sound so simple to train the black dog, but I don't have a black dog. If I had anything resembling a black dog it would be this:

Source: http://www.thedailytouch.com/georgina/the-science-of-my-life-harry-potter/

And even this is a little stretched because his name is Fluffy, he's from a children's story book, and he's easily subdued. However, most of the time if I had a black dog, he'd look just like this - snarling and ready to strike. I have a monster. A monster that isn't afraid of garlic, salt, the sun, or a full moon. A monster that creeps up without warning. A monster that gives no mercy. A monster that is so large it consumes me whole. I don't always know where the monster comes from or when it'll show it's head but he's there - always.

My monster can hit me like a ton of bricks - out of nowhere. I can be functioning perfectly fine on my own and then one day I just won't want to get out of bed. It's happened recently. He's back and he's not exactly cooperating, although he never really does because he answers to no one. For the past few weeks I have struggled. I have had mornings when I just didn't care about anything. I have had days where I don't want to get out of bed, and I surely don't want to have to leave my apartment or interact with other people. These thoughts are ones that have become more frequent. I have not succumbed to them entirely though; before I would have. I have pushed through. I have gotten out of bed. I have gotten dressed. I have gone to work. However, I don't know if that's the best option either. Do I force myself up and out and risk being irritable, short-tempered, and perhaps even down right mean to others? Or do I let it consume me for however long it'll stick around this time? There's no right answer because there are too many variables to account for. I can't take days off. I don't have the time. Instead I'm here. Fragile and withdrawn. Don't get too close, I don't know how I'll react. My emotions are on a high speed roller coaster and I'm not at the control panel.I don't know when they'll creep up a steep slope, crash down, or throw me for a complete loop.

I'm not asking for your pity. I'm not asking for your advice. I'm surely not asking for you to care. I'm just letting you know that just because we've stopped talking about it doesn't mean that I've stopped dealing with it.

Authenticity.

To be Thankful.

A lot of people I know have been doing their daily posts about what they are thankful for. I did  something similar last year based off of a bulletin board one of my RA's completed in our building. This year I decided that I didn't want to do a daily tally. Instead I wanted to just pick one thing to be thankful for, to be focused on, and to be looking forward to.

After moving to Buffalo in late July of this past year and signing up for all of my health care benefits; I was on the hunt for a doctor. I wanted someone close to home/work, had reasonable hours, and accepted my insurance plan. I called a doctor's office I thought fit those criteria to set up an intake appointment. This was back in August and the earliest I could be seen was today, November 26th at 8:15 a.m. I luckily had not been sick and was not anticipating getting seriously ill so I decided to hold out and wait for this doctor. Today I went in for my appointment and was a bit taken back. The bedside manner was not one I would pick for myself, but I'm not running scared yet. The doctor did bring up some things that I had not been asked about before or that had been done - namely a test, which I forget the medical term for - but it's for people with asthma. I haven't undergone anything since I was diagnosed with asthma in the 4th grade. However, I can't seem to meet any doctor's who don't automatically harp on my weight and that I'm in the BMI category as morbidly obese. She asked about my cholesterol levels and blood pressure to see if I have ever had any issues with it, because of course if you are morbidly obese you must have health issues! She was shocked when my blood pressure was normal/better than "healthy" people, which my blood pressure has never been an issue. Although, she insisted on having blood work done so that my cholesterol could be checked. I knew I had been tested recently because of my liver disease (yes I'm aware, I'm not in 100% health BUT my levels had normalized before I moved out of Maine), but I couldn't recall the results. I did find with all of this. I had a logical answer for every question the doctor asked. I knew about my health. I was conscious of my current state. I had answers for what I was doing to increase my health. My doctor only truly shocked me when they stated that I needed to be on a 1,200 calorie diet; which is the absolute lowest caloric intake someone should have in a day. My doctor then restated that I should be on a diet that is between 1,200 - 1,500 calories. I still was in shock. I have used apps, and websites, and programs to lose weight before. With each one I have tried or used I have never been given such a low caloric intake amount. I have decided that my doctor is nuts, but I did not run scared and I am not going to. I don't need a doctor who cares. I don't think I want one. I just need a doctor who knows enough to help me when I need medical attention. I can care for/about myself on my own, and I am okay with that.

Last December I purchased a year of Noom Pro and lost 25lbs. I have kept that 25lbs, within a pound or two off since then. I have not used Noom Pro consistently either. I was much better before, but I have not kept up with it lately. I wanted something that offered more freedom, because Noom is a smartphone app it's hard to get accurate information. I decided to change it up and I splurged on a FitBit. I had heard about them and seen them around but never wanted to spend so much money on an item I wasn't sure would work. I've been using it for a few days and am really pleased! These are my stats from today (as of 7:30pm).

After visiting my doctor I changed my plan from Medium (lose 1lb a week) to Extreme (lose 2lbs a week) and that still has me above 1,500 calories. I'm going to do this my own way. 

I am thankful for my health. I am thankful that I still have it, even if it's not up to par with where it should be. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to see a doctor. I am thankful that I have insurance that doesn't cost astronomical amounts in order for me to be treated. I am thankful that I have learned a lot in the past year. I am thankful that I have a network of other Student Affairs professionals who are working on their health too. I am thankful that I know people who are not judgmental. I am thankful that I have found the ability to be happy with who I am, even if others don't expect or think I should be. I am thankful that I have not lost myself. I am thankful that I, although sometimes hard to find, have the ability and time to focus on myself. I am thankful that I have found some sort of focus. I am thankful.

I thought I was alone.

I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one with a never ending ticket on the struggle bus. I thought I was losing my mind. I thought I was inadequate. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was wrong. I thought I was failing. Most importantly, I thought I was alone...

As most know, there was a recent article published in Huffington Post by Ken Schneck, PhD entitled Student Affairs Administrators Get Suicidal Too (and yes, if you haven't read it, please do), there has been a large outcry through social media outlets on how people can help, what people should be doing, what changes can be made. I'm glad. I'm glad that this is a topic. However, I'm also weary that anything will change. I'm weary that this is just the hot ticket item of the moment. I read a lot of various blog posts, tweets,  and Facebook statuses in regards to mental illnesses amongst professionals in Student Affairs. There were a lot of good thoughts shared. I think I resonated with a post by Kristen Abell on her blog Kristendom entitled Mental Illness and Student Affairs the most. It's because just recently I had spoken up about my own battle with depression and mental illness, but she had been doing it for quite some time. On September 17, 2013 I wrote a blog in response to a video that was shared within my network. That post only received 26 views. I have hope that with recent events and the thought provoking discussions happening that I will see change. That I will see people speaking out, helping, assisting, asking questions and seeking answers.

I shared the article from HP on my Facebook wall and I asked for my friends to share their thoughts. A few people did. I had some thoughts at that time and shared them. They are as follows:

I still think there's a larger underlying issue: coming forward with a mental health disease is still seen as a weakness. How can you be seen as competent when dealing with emergency situations and crises if your supervisor knew you were depressed? What about the institution you worked for? Are you a liability now? Until we stop treating mental illnesses as a problem and accept them as a real disease people will suffer in silence. I've had kind supervisors in the past who encouraged and accepted the occasional "mental health day" as a reason to be absent from work, but how many institutions actually value that? If you work 40 hrs a week in an office, participate and attend evening programs, and work on the weekends - what time is left to take care of yourself? Maybe it's the field that's setting people up for failures. What policies are set in place to actually support employees? Not just in a gloss over sense, but policies that truly help them be great employees and people. I say things that people don't want to hear. I bring up questions that people can't answer, or don't necessarily want the answer to, but these are things that we don't look at. These are things that need to be looked at. These are things that need to be changed.

I still stand by that. I do think that there are places who can value work that an employee does and undervalue the employee. I have seen it. I have been there. It's not easy. It's hard to want to be a part of something so great when there are pieces of it that break you down. I have thought of leaving the field. I've actually have had those thoughts more frequently in recent years, which is difficult for me to admit. I love what I do. I really do. I love working with students. I love challenging them and seeing their growth throughout the year. I enjoy helping when I can. I get frustrated when I can't. I don't think that's a bad thing.
What I do want to see is more consistency. I want to see more willingness to work together. I want to see people working towards a change, not just at your institution or in your position. We have professional organizations; how can they help, what can they do?

I don't want this to be forgotten. I don't want to feel like I'm alone. I don't want to feel forgotten. I don't want to be the black sheep. (I know some people will say, "But you put yourself there. You pride yourself on being the black sheep". No. No I don't. I pride myself on being the person who stands up for things that she is passionate about, things that she wants to see change, things that she is desperately asking for someone to listen and help with. I'm just never any good at asking for help.)




My post may get lost amongst the shuffle too, but I hope it reaches some. I know that there are definitely more posts out there on this topic, but I'm going to share some of the ones I have read. Please feel free to read, share, pass them along to people you think might benefit from reading them. [Thank you to the authors for writing and sharing your thoughts.]

Renee Piquette Dowdy: What Breaks You

Ann Marie Klotz: Why Are We Not Talking About Wellness?

Becca Obergefell: Healing and Helping - Taking Care of Ourselves Too

Joe Sabado: Work/Life Balance Discussion - A Privilege?
Mike Bowers: Helping Yourself to Help Others: Mental Well Being Tips for Student Affairs Practitioners

How big is your influence? [Non-SA post]

Well I qualified again! Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest of differences. I had a friend join Influenster a while back and I kept seeing all the fun she was having with her Vox Boxes. She was kind enough to invite me to join and I've been very pleased. [If you would like more information on Influenster, please visit their website (linked above).]

Long story short, this is the second Vox Box I have qualified for. I received the Mary Kay box earlier this year, but I didn't blog about it. I just posted on all of my other Social Media outlets. I decided to blog about this one because I think the items included in this box work well in my professional life.

A break down of the items:
(If you want to follow other's views on these items feel free to search the companies on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, etc.)

Product	Brand Facebook	Handle / Hashtag
belVita crunch Breakfast Biscuits	belVita	@belVita / #BreakfastBiscuits
Dr. Scholl's For Her Cozy Cushions	Dr. Scholl's For Her	#DrScholls
Kiss Gradation Polishes	Kiss Nails	@KissProducts / #KissNailArt
Rimmel London Scandaleyes Retro Glam Mascara	Rimmel London US	@RimmelLondonUS / #retromania
Vitabath Hydrating Lotion	Vitabath	@Vitabath / #FallingforVitabath
Lindt LINDOR Milk Chocolate Truffles	Lindt Chocolate	@Lindt_Chocolate / TBA

Here are my reviews:

• belVita crunch Breakfast Biscuits - I received the blueberry biscuits. I had been skeptical on them before and of course didn't want to buy them in the event that I wouldn't like them. I was happy to test them out though. They were good. They're crunchy, so it felt like I was eating a cookie. The blueberries are a bit chewy though and can get caught in your teeth. Overall I'd recommend them and am actually interested in seeing what other flavors they have.

Maybe Wheaties is no longer the breakfast of champions?

• Dr. School's For Her Cozy Cushions - Perfect! These cozy cushions add warm and comfort to tough shoes. Have a favorite pair of winter boots that you just can't get rid of yet? Pick up a pair of these and they'll feel like new! I tried them in a pair of flats that used to be lined, but after wearing them the lining is no longer fluffy. I would recommend that these are better for boots, but what better way to add year round functionality to some of your favorite spring shoes?

• Kiss Gradation Polishes - I was skeptical of this at first. I had to wait a little for my nails to grow out, because I didn't think I'd be able to do it with short nails. It was easier than I had thought it would be. I've read reviews and there were a lot of complaints about the dry time. I don't know, but I had no issues with my nails drying quickly. I put on the base coat, let it dry, added the second coat (which I could've done better with the amount of nail I covered here), and then added the third coat. I thought my nails didn't come out too bad. I don't know if it's something that I would want to do often, but once in awhile it's nice to have something different.

• Rimmel London Scandaleyes Retro Glam Mascara - I'm not one for make-up. I actually tried mascara for the first time this past spring. I didn't particularly like it. My eye lashes would stick together when I blinked. It was annoying. This made me very hesitant about trying this product. However, I am glad that I had the opportunity to do so. I found that this mascara was not sticky and/or dried quickly. I also didn't have to apply many coats for it to show. I actually had fun trying out different ways to wear this - thick, not so thick, by itself, with full eye make-up. It's a great product and I am actually looking forward to seeing what else I can do with it. 

"Are you wearing fake lashes?"

• Lindt LINDOR Milk Chocolate Truffles - I'm born and raised Pennsylvania girl. Chocolate to me is Hershey's and nothing but! However, I did enjoy this treat. I don't think I would buy a bunch of the milk chocolate ones, but I could see myself going after the other varieties, such as caramel.

Cheesy grins for everyone!

• Vitabath Hydrating Lotion - I wasn't one of the luck Influencers to receive this product. 

I hope I continue to have the privilege of testing products. If you have any questions about Influenster or the products above, please don't hesitate to ask! I don't mind talking about my experience. :)

I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

Break the silence: It begins with us.

If you have not seen this video, I suggest watching it.
















Because of this video I have decided to write this post. I've lived in silence. I didn't want to give in because I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to be seen as weak. I didn't want to be viewed any differently than I already was. I was the fat kid in school. I was the poor kid in school. I was the kid who went above and beyond trying to make others feel wanted/needed when no one cared about me. I was the kid who fought for a voice. I was the kid who stopped trying. I was the kid that flew under the radar. I was the kid who was abused for speaking up. I was the kid who stopped fighting it. I was the kid who let it get the best of me. I was the kid who was on the outside looking in. I was the kid who was silently screaming for help. I was the kid that never got help...

It took me until I was 27 years old to admit to myself that I had depression and I needed help.

It took me until I was 27 years old.

27 years old. 

I had suffered for 15 years before telling anyone.
Yes, I was 12 when it started. 

We don't talk about it because no one wants to know. We don't talk about it because we don't want to be viewed as broken, as weak, as crazy. We don't talk about it because when we do we know the judging begins. We don't talk about it because we know people will start to tip toe around us. We don't talk about it because we know if you don't suffer from depression you don't understand. We don't talk about it because sometimes it's easier/safer to suffer alone. We don't talk about it because we're afraid.

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." - F.D.R

We should not be feared. We should not be afraid. Break the silence.

Follow Up: What people don't know

I've debated doing this. I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually put this out here or not, but I've felt that maybe it'll be good. Maybe this will be a bit of a personal blog with random professional entries? Who knows. I was never sure what this was going to be anyhow.

My tests results have come in. I received a phone call from my doctors while I was home on vacation  I of course missed the call and had to call them back. I called my doctor's back and none of the nurses were available. The receptionist gave me my test results.

I have fatty liver disease.

I have a follow up appointment with my doctor for additional tests on January 30th. All I have been told is to, of course, cut down on my fat intake and eat more fruits and vegetables. The funny thing is, is that I don't eat a lot of high fat foods. I don't eat a lot of foods in general. I don't know why or how this happened, but all I can do is move forward. I have continued to eat healthier, or tried my best while on vacation. I have had some success. The last time I posted I stated I had lost 8.4lbs. I am now down a total of 16.6lbs! I have a goal of dropping an additional 20lbs by March. It's a slow process, but I am motivated for this goal. I also hope that I will know more after my doctors appointment at the end of the month.

So, here I go on another journey...

What people don't know.

There are a lot of aspects about my life that people do not know. I do keep things private. I don't try and put any of my burdens on anyone else. I feel like there comes a time that you need to tell people what is going on; if not only for the fact that they might interact with you better if they knew the truth. So, instead of my usual professional life post, this one is going to be personal.

Confused yet? Before this goes on in circles I'll get down to the nitty gritty.

For most of my life I have been fat. I've accepted that fact and have lived with it. Until recently the most I've ever weighed was 270 pounds. However, for some reason that number has sky rocketed and I gained a lot of weight in a very short period of time. I can't remember when it was now, but within the past year I had to have a procedure down to check my digestive system. Of course it's nice when your doctor is blunt and notifies you that the worst case scenario is that you might have cancer. Luckily, this procedure produced no concrete results of any serious issues. So, I've been just living life a day at a time and not thinking much of my health.

Although, one of the things that I have been doing off an on is using apps geared towards tracking calories and healthy eating. For months I was using MyFitnessPal, which does work and is a good program. I however didn't find great success with it, which is why I had used it off and on. I have an Android smartphone and it has enabled me to do a lot with being more mindful of what I'm eating and doing. I thought I was doing well.

Within the past 3 months my weight has been rising and I haven't changed much of what I've been doing. A little over a week ago I noticed that the muscles in my legs seemed tight when I did certain movements. I didn't notice anything other than that so I thought nothing of it. I went to a Professional Development Networking event and didn't get home until late. I thought my shoes were fitting a little funny and then I looked down and saw that my feet were swollen. My legs also felt different. As I was changing to get ready for bed I noticed that not only my feet but my legs (calves) were swollen too. They were so swollen that it felt as if they may burst. It was late and I was very tired. I decided that I will just elevate my feet and go to bed. The next day I woke up and made a doctors appointment. At the doctor's I was advised to drink more water, sit with my legs elevated above my heart as much as possible, and make sure I wasn't standing or sitting for too long. The doctor also wanted to run blood tests. I have had blood tests done multiple times over the past 3 months and almost wanted to argue that point. Because I have never had symptoms like this before, I went ahead with the scheduled blood work. At this visit I was shocked that my weight had drastically rose to 303lbs. I've never weighed that much before and it was not a great feeling seeing that on the scale.

My other blood test results had indicated that I had slightly high levels of liver enzymes. My doctor has been monitoring that. After the blood tests I had done on Monday I received a call from my doctor's office stating that my liver enzyme levels were still high and they were scheduling an ultrasound to check my liver. I will be having this done this coming week. My last doctor's appointment before this most current one, I did speak to my doctor about my weight. We discussed what a normal day for me is like. She was very understanding. She stated that I wasn't eating enough food, which has always been an issue for me. I don't eat breakfast, ever. I eat lunch and then dinner. Maybe having a snack between meals and after. So, I decided I would go back to MyFitnessPal. I lasted only a few days as I was searching for a new app that I could be more dedicated to. I luckily found Noom. I basically just use MyFitnessPal to track my progress and Noom for everything else. It's been wonderful. I will tell you all about it, if you want...or even if you don't. I'm excited about it. It may be a silly "gadget" to you, but I need it. Since I started using Noom I've lost 8.4lbs! I've just been eating food too. Sure, the food choices are a bit different now, but this is a whole lifestyle change. Until I know anything about why my liver enzyme levels are high, I'm doing what I can do be healthy and benefit myself. [During all of this my phone was having issues so I had to send it to get fixed. I recently bought myself a tablet and am using that until my phone is returned to me. It's not as mobile, not small enough to fit in my pocket, so it's a little more cumbersome. I think I will do even better when I have my phone back in hand!]

So there you have it: I'm not 100% healthy, but I'm working on getting there - one step at a time. [This is a bit all over the place, my apologies.] 






So in short: I have been eating more food. I have been losing weight. I still have to wait and see what the ultrasound discovers. I'm putting this out there because you can laugh and get annoyed with my gadgets all your want, however I need them. I need something to keep me motivated and excited. Sure, losing my phone has made it a bit more noticeable because I am using my tablet for my tracking purposes, but I don't care. I need to do this for me.