Ore-Ida Totchos - Just in time for Game Day! #jinglevoxbox

It's been a long time since I've written a blog post. I definitely fall off course with this, but I'm here today to share with you a fabulous recipe I just created in time for Sunday's big game! This is a healthier way to have a classic dish (nachos). Nom, noms!

Ore-Ida Totchos!

Ingredients:

• 1lb lean ground turkey
• 1 package of low sodium taco mix
• 2 tablespoons of 0% plain Greek yogurt
• 1 cup mild salsa (medium or hot - choose to your taste)
• 1/2 cup water
• 1 bag of Ore-Ida tater tots
• 1 cup grated cheese blend (of your choice)

Ore-Ida Totchos - finished product

Cooking Instructions

• Brown 1lb lean ground turkey in a pan
• mix/stir occasionally

• While the ground turkey is cooking, mix 1 package of low sodium taco mix, 2 tablespoons of Greek yogurt, 1 cup salsa, 1/2 cup water in a bowl and mix well.

• Once the ground turkey is browned, drain and add to the seasoning mix.
• mix well

• Empty the bag of Ore-Ida tots into a baking dish

• Coat the tater tots with the ground turkey and seasoning mix

• Cook following Ore-Ida tots directions (preheat 450, cook for up to 28mins)
• Once finished, top with cheese blend
• Serve
• Optional: top with a dollop of greek yogurt

Enjoy!

You can view more recipes for Ore-Ida tots here!

DISCLAIMER: I received a coupon for Ore-Ida tater tots courtesy of Influenster for review/testing purposes and all views are my own.

I Wear Jeans to Work and Other Things You can Judge Me For

So this post is something that I have sat on for quiet some time, but I feel that the #NASPAyikyak fiasco of 2015 brings these notions back to light. I think it's time that I share this and continue the conversation of the apparent superiority complex we have among us.

I read a blog post on the unwritten rules of Student Affairs and it's bothered me for the past day (and still does). So much so that I was up at 5:00 am because I couldn't sleep and decided that writing a blog post in my head was more important. Unfortunately when I do that I never actually remember the entirely of the post I had written and then stumble to find those words again once I get to a computer. However there are two things I do know:

1. I'm irked.
2. I'm disappointed.

It's hard for me to say that. It's difficult because the authors of the post are two professionals that I admire and usually enjoy/promote what they have to say. However, I really don't believe the mark was hit with this. Now, I don't disagree with it all nor am I saying that there's not some truth to the points made, but why are we perpetrating "unwritten rules"? Are we not trying to undo them? Why are we adding more layers to a field that can be overwhelming and complex for new professionals as it is. Sure, maybe this post wasn't meant for new professionals, but what good was the advice for anyone? We are not holier than thou, do-no-wrong, failure-is-not-an-option, demean the outcast group - or are we?

According to the authors the unwritten rules are:

• Say no early and often
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home
• Network with People at levels above and below you
• Stop talking about your work-life balance
• Dress the part
• What people think of you does matter
• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work off their desk!)

I don't disagree nor am bothered by all of these; other than the point that we're continually perpetrating "unwritten rules" in the first place. Stop it. When did we become some secret society that people need to bend over backwards to be a part of. No, I don't need to be a SA Unicorn. Neither does anyone else. Can we please focus on the purpose of our jobs instead of the ways people do their jobs differently? Also, please don't forget that each college campus has it's own culture and political structure in which these so called "unwritten rules" may not even be acceptable or work.

• Say no early and often: Slightly disagree
• Premise - don't take on too much too soon.
• Reality - just because it's not in your job description doesn't mean you don't have to do it. Seek clarification if you're unsure run it by your supervisor before turning down a meeting or committee invite.
• Don't treat your department budget like you do at home: Agree
• Premise - spend it or lose it.
• Reality - spend it or lose it; although this can too depend on your institution. Make sure you take your own position and role with budgets into account first.
• Network with people at levels above and below you: Agree
• Premise - get to know the people you work for and those who work for you.
• Reality - No matter your job title, you should want to know the people you're working for and those working for you. Meet with administrative assistance, facilities, custodians; you'll be amazed at what kind of knowledge and perspective they have on a department or institution as a whole.
• Stop talking about your work-life balance: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - Our jobs are 24/7 and you better get used to it.
• Reality - We are people. We have lives outside of what we do for a living, and so it should be. Yes, some of us might need help in being more organized and setting up 'boundaires', if you will, but how do we help colleagues do that? Just telling them they have to or what they are currently doing is wrong doesn't work. We need to assist and help in ways we can. Mentor new professionals. Assist where you can. This should not be a 'dog eat dog' world, because outside of work it's tough enough already.

I put myself first. I don't let my job run me into the ground. I advocate for work/life balance. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• Dress the part: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - The clothes make the person and to fit in you must adhere to this rule.
• Reality - This does not take into account gender expression, socioeconomic status, or size. As a large woman with low SES it is not financially feasible for me to be able to afford what some of the profession deems as professional for my daily work life. (FYI: 1 suit would cost me $150.00 & no I can't just go to my location Salvation Army/Goodwill store to pick up low cost items). I am not alone in this. New professionals and graduate students, which make up a large population of the field are not always in financial situations to afford the same level of professional attire as say a CHO. Sure $150 for a suit might seem like a steal to some, but if that's my every day attire I would need at least 3 to mix & match ($450.00); which doesn't take into account weight loss or gain - because let's face it I'm human, and so are the rest of us!

I wore jeans to work. I had a productive day. No one died. #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

• What people think of you does matter: Strongly Disagree
• Premise - You must be liked by everyone and at all times to matter in this field/get ahead.
• Reality - And this happened today:

@DanMcDs b/c we're told that other's perceptions of us matter more than who we really are.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) March 25, 2015

• Your job is to make your boss look good (and take work of their desk!): Disagree
• Premise - Don't add concerns to your boss's to-do list; anticipate projects/challenges and take initiative.
• Reality - Where as this isn't a huge issue, it does lead to some interesting thoughts on being able to balance your own workload. I don't mind taking initiative, but sometimes you might do something a certain way and find out that was wrong. Sure it's a learning opportunity, but I add caution to just going forth, especially as new professionals without seeking some guidance first. As the Associate VP for Student Affairs at University at Buffalo Barbara Ricotta would say "Don't just bring me a dead cat, bring me a dead cat and a shovel." Go to your supervisor with a question or challenge AND bring a solution. I find that to be much better and practical advice.

If I do my boss's job doesn't that make me the boss? Plus, then who is doing my job? #ohthehorror — Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) January 30, 2015

So why do these things go together? We're shaming a large or small population (because who really knows since Yik Yak is anonymous!) into our own ideals of what is professional and acceptable. I am aware that some of the Yaks were in poor taste and the ones promoting 'isms were uncalled for at the least, but we can do better in the sense that we need to understand we're all learning and developing each day. The professional who has been doing this for 30 years and the one who will enter the field, hopefully, in May are trying to navigate the waters of Social Media in the same sense; or one would hope as this is 2015 and a lot if happening on SoMe that we should be a part of - connecting with students and understanding campus climates, etc (RE: Rey Junco). What now? Where do we go from here?

I'll leave you with these:

Just because you haven't experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
— Jessica Fantini, MS (@J_Fantini) February 24, 2015

We are all fighting our own battles - a gentle reminder to be kind to others because you might just be the brightest spot in their day
— Valerie Heruska (@ValerieHeruska) February 24, 2015

"Stay weird, stay different, and when it's your turn, pass on that message to the next person." #slayme #Oscars2015
— Marci Walton (@MarciKWalton) February 23, 2015

Burn Baby, Burn

How many have heard the phrase, "it's a small field, everyone knows somebody" before? I'm going to guess the majority of people reading this have either heard it or uttered the words to someone else. Is this sentiment true? Yes. Student Affairs is a relatively small field compared to something else like business or health services. However, this phrase is usually followed up with someone telling you not to do something because you don't want to 'burn bridges'. I disagree. Sometimes you need to burn that bridge and walk away. I'm not condoning poor or unacceptable behavior, but telling someone to 'just stick it out' or 'it's only for a year' is not good advice. If the job, position, location, political set-up is damaging to someone's well-being then why encourage them to stay? You can not find out everything about a position in the interview process. I know this from experience. I've asked numerous questions about things that matter to me in an interview and receive an answer only to find out after I up root my life to start in the position and it's actually not what I was lead to believe. Yes employers want to look desirable and please applicants when they have positions to fill and it's crunch time, however ultimately lying about policies and procedures is not the way to go about that situation. I have been in some very bad positions before and was always given the pep talk of "you can do anything for one year", which is true. I could. But was it the right thing for me?

With the search season upon us I wanted to revisit these thoughts. Don't stay because someone tells you that you should, or that leaving would add a "red flag" to your resume. If I listened to that I would've left the field 5 years ago because I was in a position that was literally killing me. My career may not have been rainbows and butterflies and others may harshly judge me based on my resume, but what I have done was for me and for me alone. As a new professional I listened a lot. I wanted to do the 'right' thing. I wanted to have that 'white picket fence' career that we are in awe of throughout grad school. It didn't work. I learned a lot. I did a lot. I grew a lot.

S T O P

Yes, you. STOP. Take a minute. Breathe. Ask yourself: what do I want? Ask yourself: what is best for me? Don't let others lead your path when they don't walk in your shoes. There is no right way and we need to realize that.

Burn baby, burn.

Quality of Life: Live-In Staff [Expectations]

[Prologue: I started this post well over a year ago when I was working on a three set series. I never officially published it, but after some time I believe I'm ready to put it out there. The series focused on the quality of life for live-in professionals. I touched base on the topic of pets, live-in partners and now expectations. At the time I had a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind on all of these three topics. I was able to quickly write on pets and live-in partners, which have already been posted. I struggled to get this post out because every time I had a great thought it was while I was in bed trying to sleep or driving for long hours; neither of these really allotted for much actual writing time to get done. So here I am, on a Friday evening catching up on what feels like months of laundry and revisiting this post to share with all of you.]

I think one of the biggest revelations I've had as an entry level professional is that each job is different, each institution works a certain way, and that expectations vary. I know that not every job is going to be the exact same thing because there are way too many variables, but it doesn't mean that there can't be some consistency on expectations. I do believe expectations should include some key components, such as: consistency, effective communication, challenge and support, and respect.

• Consistency: When it comes to expectations of live-in staff I think the most important item to discuss is consistency. Even if it's a staff of two, five, eight, or more professionals at the same level - there should be consistency. Their title is the same, so the job should be the same. If you expect one staff member to spend their day in the office during business hours, but another staff member is able to flex their time and be out of the office running personal errands - that's not consistent. This also is a breeding ground for disgruntled employees. Could that employee speak a supervisor and discuss a day where they can be out of the office running errands because they worked on a weekend or long hours for an emergency call? Yes. I'm not saying that these things need to change. However, if you allow one person to do it; everyone needs to be allowed. There's no easier way to tear a staff apart than to have them well aware of inconsistencies to their treatment at work. It's not easy work. It can be difficult and tiring, but you don't have to make it harder for your employees to do their jobs. Favoritism happens. There will be people that you just get along better with than others, but as a professional and a supervisor you need to be able to draw the lines and make sure treatment is the same across the board for your staff..
• Be aware of the inconsistencies and do what you can to prevent them from continuing or happening again.

• Effective Communication: How do you like to receive information? Can you have a fly by conversation and remember it? Do you need it in writing? Is it better to have a voicemail? If you don't know how you process and retain information that's going to be a problem. Autonomy can be great in a workplace. Most professionals enjoy it. Do you give your staff their own space? If you need something done, how do you ask them for it? Is it an e-mail request, individual phone call...a text message? You will need to find out how you best work with communication, look at the institution's culture, and then you need to ask your staff. Part of being a supervisor and working as a team is making sure everyone has the information that's needed at the time its needed. Are you listening to all of your staff members? If there's a disagreement, do you hear from both before making accusations or judgement? If one staff member is always dropping by your office and talking to you for hours, are you checking in on your other staff members? What are they doing that's keeping them busy in their offices? Are they stopping in to see you frequently? Sure, it's nice to have the time to talk with your staff in a more informal manner, but if it's a constant reaccurence what work is actually getting done? Also, are you discussing business during these meetings? If items are brought up that change how something is done are you making sure everyone knows about it? If not, you need to change how you're communicating with your staff. If you only give one staff member the information no one else will know, thus making everyone's job much more difficult and your office will be less efficient. 
• Part of effective communication is making sure that everyone is giving and getting information they need.

• Challenge and Support: There needs to be a balance here. Constant challenge can become too overwhelming and lead to burn out. However, if you're only supported in all that you do you can become complacent. Also, where would growth come from? Thinking everything is great all the time can have a negative impact when/if there was ever a supervisor or position change. If you supervise more than one individual, be mindful of how you are challenging and supporting each of your employees. Is it consistent? How often does it happen? I would also say that some challenge should be down in a one-on-one meeting rather than an open forum, but I also find that having a conversation regarding each person's comfort level could be beneficial and healthy for the working relationship.
• Be constructive when you challenge an employee and show support when they consistently meet expectations or exceed them.

• Respect: You see this and you may roll your eyes because you can't believe that this would be an issue, but it is. Sure, someone joins the staff and you may not have been a part of their interview; what do you do when you don't really like them? Just because your personalities clash, you don't enjoy their sense of humor, or think they have no idea what they're doing doesn't mean that you can't respect them. Some of the better working relationships I've had are with people I don't like. Why? Because we focused on the job at hand, did it well, and then went on with our lives. I didn't have to like them. I didn't have to enjoy their ideas, but I did need to respect them. We all bring something different to the table; which is good, and I think we should strive for more of this. Why do we continue to surround ourselves with like minded people? What exactly does that accomplish in the long run? If you don't have someone bringing in new ideas, new ways of looking at something, or different experience how does that allow you and your staff to grow? 
• As a supervisor, you should be the example that your staff follows. 

So why did I decide that these are the four important elements to success in a workplace? Because when you don't have these elements or if you're missing some of them it creates a hostile work environment. This leads to quick turnover and unpleasant experiences for staff. I've had bad experiences. I've had really really bad experiences. I've also had some good ones. I looked back on each experience and found that the bad lacked some or all of these elements, and the good had most if not all of these elements.

Sure entry level positions may not be meant as someone's lifelong career, but some people are looking to settle down for 3-4 years before having to move again. They say that the first year in a new position is when you watch, the second year you do, and the third year you make changes. After six years of working for multiple institutions in basically the same role I have learned that this is only the case if it's your first position. With each change of job I've had there's been a learning curve and differences, but the overall aspect of the jobs are the same. If you're not being challenged you're not growing and you become stagnant. As a supervisor, get to know what your employees want, what they're looking for as professional development and growth, and then try to help them get it.

Sometimes I go off course (Influenster)

I haven't written in quite some time and it's not because I don't have anything to say it's because I can't formulate all my thoughts into concise posts. However, today I am diverging off course slightly. I don't do this often but it happens from time to time. Instead of speaking about anything mental health or higher education related; I'm going to discuss Influenster once again.

I've been a member of the, once exclusive, product review site for just under two years. First, I can't believe it's been that long. Second it's been a fun two years!

So what is Influenster? It's a community of people who are interested in new products or products from companies we love that need to be sampled/tested in a controlled group. Not everyone who is a member gets the opportunity for every VoxBox (product sample) and it can definitely be competitive. I have enjoyed being a member though.

My first VoxBox! #RoseVoxBox

Since joining I have received 5 VoxBoxes and 4 Virtual VoxBoxes. I feel very lucky to be able to have been chosen to participate in all the VoxBoxes that I was given. It's hard for me to choose a favorite box. I would say that so far the ones I have enjoyed the most were my Celestial Tea VoxBox where I was given the opportunity to try some new tea flavors. I love tea and I had always been a fan of Celestial Teas. I also used the coupon I received to purchase a whole box of the green tea with white tea. Let's be honest, you can't go wrong with giving people free food! I also completed the badge challenges and was active on other social media sites announcing their products so Celestial sent me some items to make my tea drinking more pleasurable - tea bag holder and a tea bag plate. Both have been used regularly.

The second VoxBox I enjoyed a lot was the one from Herbal Essence. I was able to preview their new Naked line and it's amazing! I know some people didn't care for the smell, but I actually liked it a lot. I haven't had a chance - due to having too much other hair care products right now - to buy Naked, but I can't wait! I do believe that I will be switching over once my previous stock is gone. It gave life back to my hair and didn't weight it down.

I know that there are some really great VoxBoxes and can be a little envious of the others who get them, but I've been happy with being a participant overall. So here is just a small reminder that if you are not familiar with Influenster, it's worth a shot to check it out! Especially if you like to review products and give feedback to companies about their products. Influenster has recently updated their website to create a Hub and added an app for iPhones. The Hub took some getting used to, but I actually like the new design. I don't have an iPhone so I have no experience with the app.

Why I started therapy

Although I had talked to my primary care physician (PCP) about my depression and had tried a variety of medications I never went to a therapist. I sought out a therapist during the time I was being treated under the care of my PCP, but when I met with a woman for the intake she explained my insurance coverage to me. It would be $20 per visit to go. I had already been struggling financially with trying to make ends meet, pay bills, and keep up with student loans. I didn't see where therapy fit and it was difficult for me. I also am not sure that I was ready at the time.

This past May I had a very rough period. It was almost a full two weeks that was completely destroying me. Granted work didn't make it any easier. I was going through the process of ending the semester, closing my building, and transitioning into summer. It was a new process and new procedure for me to learn. All the change was overwhelming and I know I wasn't really in the best of states before it all snowballed together. For that time my thoughts were scattered and I had difficulty in almost every aspect of my life. My mind was filled with thoughts constantly and the most prevalent one was that I just wanted to cease to exist. No, I didn't want to kill myself nor harm myself - I just didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. I was done.

But how can you be down when you have 16 staff members looking for you for guidance, help, and support? It was awful. I continued to try and do my job, but I knew I wasn't really being there for some staff that needed me and my presence more than others and it was difficult. One day I had had enough. I sat down and searched mental disorders. I wasn't convinced that I was just depressed. It had to be something else. It had to be something more. I had never struggled like this before and I was scared. Along with searching up disorders I started looking for therapists. I was past the breaking point - I broke. I had had serious thoughts about checking myself into the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know who could help.

I searched and searched local therapists, but I had no idea how to pick one. So to defer having to go through that I called my insurance company to find out my coverage. I was covered. I had a $20 copay for 20 visits, but after that I would need to get a referral. I didn't care. At this point $20 was worth it. So it was back to square one on trying to locate a therapists. I called numerous places. No answer. Or I was greeted with a voice mail.

A voice mail? I'm not leaving you a voice mail. What do I say? Where do I begin? No no no. I am certainly not doing that! So I kept trying. I finally reached a person and decided to schedule an appointment. The first they would be able to see me was July 1st. JULY 1st! It was May and I was going through the roughest patch I have ever faced - how can I make it to July 1st? I scheduled an appointment but kept trying to find other therapists - I needed to be seen as soon as possible. Before I could locate and call another office I received a call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone. It was a woman asking me if I had called her number previously. I was a little confused but then realized that I had. It was a number listed on one of the therapists information websites. I was shocked. She called me because I didn't leave a message. So we talked. I explained that I was going through a difficult time and needed to see a therapist, she set me up with her office number and told me to schedule something. The number I had called was her cellphone. I called the office and was able to set an appointment up for the next day. I've been going to therapy since then. I have missed two weeks due to a professional conference and vacation, but my therapist is a phone call away if I need her. This week we will be starting EMDR therapy. I have no idea what it's going to be like, but after the past few visits I know it's going to change everything - maybe not tomorrow, but as time goes on it will. Part of going to therapy has really made me realize how much other stuff I have been carrying around with me and it's about time I deal with it.

This week my $20 copay is going to overdraw my bank account, but I can't afford not to go - my life depends on it.

It's time for me to take care of me.

I come first.

What We Learn From Death

So I went and saw "The Fault in Our Stars" this evening. I didn't originally want to. I went back and forth on it for some time, but since it was $5 Tuesdays at the theater I decided it was worth it. See, I didn't read the book so I wasn't sure if that would be a good or bad thing. However, before walking into the theater and buying my ticket I had already guessed the ending - I was right, by the way, but I'm not saying what my thoughts were to spare people from any spoilers.

It was sad. I did cry. However it really wasn't the movie by itself that had me react in this way. By the time I started college I had attended ten funerals, all of which were for friends I had in High School. No, they didn't have cancer. Most of them died from car crashes and one from suicide. It was a very dreary time for what people refer to as someone's formative years. I was surrounded by death and I learned from it.

How do we learn from death? How do we shape ourselves after a heartache and so much grief and pain? I don't think there is one complete answer. To me it really comes down to the person and what it best for them. For me it varied. I found strength in the pain. I found ambition and drive. I found that I couldn't let it get the best of me - and that was the hardest. Coping with loss for anyone is difficult, but coping when you suffer from depression can be near impossible. Sometimes I was able to handle it better, but sometimes it was much more difficult. I started therapy three weeks ago, and the funny thing about that is my therapist is working on stuff from my past because she feels that's where my problems today stem from. Funny how that works, huh?

So as I begin and continue to work with my therapists on years of trauma I still think about what I learned from death:

1. Life is short. What makes you happy? Are you doing it or trying to get there? If not, why? Life is short! Why waste it being unhappy or better yet - why waste it waiting? People tell me that my resume is one red flag after another because I have switched jobs frequently. But is it? There are reasons why I don't stay and sometimes it's because I know life is short, and that I don't have time to waste in a position that stalls out. Sorry not sorry.

2. Failure is inevitable, but not the end. I learned this more from the people that had died, than their deaths themselves. One of my friends battled with drug and alcohol abuse before being killed in a car crash. They were a free spirit and definitely lived their live by the beat of their own drum. I admired that. This didn't make them immune to struggle and through their failures they continued to prevail. You can do almost anything for a little while, but it doesn't have to be your forever. Keep trying because you don't know where it will lead you.

3. Relationships and the connections with others matter. How many times do we blow off plans because we're "busy"? I'm guilty of this. I've done it for a variety of reasons, but at the end of the day it can lead to regret. The next time you're invited somewhere - think about it! What is more important? Will you be able to do this ever again? Sometimes you need to stop and think before just turning an offer down. Make an effort to spend time with family and friends because you don't know what will happen. Like the quote says: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." 

4. Don't forget you. At different times we can get so caught up in everything going on around us that we forget about ourselves. Did you eat enough today? Did you drink enough water? Did you get enough sleep? Did you remember to take a minute to just breath? Our lives are so much in motion that sometimes in all of our obligations, responsibilities, and just the hustle and bustle we forget that we're people too. We can't help others and we can't take care of others if we are not there for ourselves. There are times when you should be selfish - and you need to be!

5. Don't stop. When you think you've had enough, keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up on yourself because someone or something isn't in your life anymore. Don't give up on yourself because you are struggling. You're important. You matter. If you are having difficulty seeing that ask for help. You might be surprised to see who is there for you when you need it.

Although there is pain and loss there is a lot you can take away from it. It can be a reminder and a motivator to continue on your path - whichever that may be. It will take time. Take the time that you need, but keep going.

Why I Don't Talk About My Mental Health at Work

So I've had a rough week. It's interesting seeing as I was on 'vacation' from Thursday at 5:00 pm last week to Tuesday at 9:00 am this week. I really need to know better than to think that a vacation at home when there are 12 people in my parents three bedroom home would do me any good. Let alone having to sleep in a recliner, my car, or the floor which was just a piece of the iceberg. As a 'fun' thing the paraprofessional appreciation banquet committee decided that the entire professional staff would perform a dance for the paraprofessional staff members. I cringed. I do not perform. I do not dance. However the tone from the leadership team regarding this was that it's mandatory; everyone has to participate. I tried putting every negative thought that was running through my head out of my mind. I decided that it was not going to be a big deal. I could do it. I would be fine.

I accepted the calendar invite for the practice. I was on board. I was going to do this. Then there was an update sent out. They had videoed the dance we were supposed to learn and perform in front of the staff. I watched both videos. During the first I was still trying to be optimistic. I told myself that there were a lot of staff members and that I would be fine. After the second video finished I was halfway into a panic attack. I was sweating, my heart racing, and my hands trembled. I can't do this. I knew it would be difficult for me, as this is not something I am comfortable with doing at all. Even when it was first mentioned I had trouble keeping my composure. So, before I had left for my aforementioned vacation I had sent an e-mail expressing some concerns with the upcoming paraprofessional appreciation banquet.

I knew it would not be well received. I knew stating that I could not participate because of anxiety would not go over well. However, I was not expecting the response that I got.

Now, don't get me wrong this seems to be a anomaly, but it did in fact still happen. I've taken a day to decompress and I'm still hurt and confused by it. As an educational moment I was told that the act of participating in the performance teaches me humility. Yes, I admit that I do not exactly understand the correlation. I asked to be excused because I knew that if I got up on stage and had to perform I would go into a full blown panic attack. I have not had one since I was in High School, but I have also not felt this way about a situation in a long time either. I might be wrong. I'm okay with that. You reading this may think I am being over-dramatic. I'm okay with that. I'm okay because this is what I have dealt with for years - being misunderstood by others. I have consistently been judged for things that I can not necessarily control. I know some triggers and I know ways to handle myself. I don't know everything though.

Part of the response I also got was that this is what Student Affairs is - we're the fun outgoing performers and it really grinds my gears. No. Not all of us are. Nor should we be pressured of forced to be. I am tired of being told how I am supposed to be and how I should be acting. I am my own person. I do my job. I also think I do it fairly well. I do not need to be on stage dancing in front of over 250 people to show humility. I am not superwoman - although sometimes I feel like I am because of all the stuff I actually do accomplish. I was asking to be excused because I have anxiety - something that I had not disclosed before. I was brave in sharing that as it was not easy for me to do so. I didn't need a warm fuzzy response; as I knew I would not get one, but I did need support.

I left the conversation feeling shamed and misunderstood. Yes, people can throw around words like anxiety and it no mean anything to them, but this is real for me. This just confirmed my fears. I can not be brave. I can not share. This is just one more time that without so many words I've been told and/or treated like there is something wrong with me. (Granted, I know there is, but it does not make me any less of a person.) Stop telling me I'm not good enough. Stop telling me that being different is bad. Stop telling me that because I am different I do not matter. You may not use words, but your tone, actions, and how you reply are all saying it to me. This is why I struggle. This is why I question my choices to stay. This is why I want to leave Student Affairs; we're a bunch of hypocrites who turn on anyone who is different and unlike us. SHAME ON US!

I'm doing the best that I can. I'm sorry that's not good enough for others.