A reflection: Sandy Hook Elementary

I know many people who felt saddened, angered, and overall distraught about the shootings that happened earlier this evening in Newton, CT. There, however, are people who can not understand why others who aren't even directly affected by the incident can have these feelings triggered inside of them. I can not speak for others, but I do know that even though I do not know anyone who was affected personally this was one of those things that did strike a chord on my heart strings.

So, why is that?

My nephew, Jaden. 9yrs old (almost 10!)

My niece, Mia. 6 yrs old (almost 7!)

My niece, Hailey. 3yrs old.

My sister, Samantha. 29 years old.

I live 10 hours from home. I love my job and what I do, but missing out on watching my nephew and nieces grow has it's toll. I've missed my nephew's Karate graduation ceremonies. I missed my niece Mia's kindergarten play. I was in the delivery room when my niece Hailey was born and she's sprouted up so quickly! My sister and I have a difficult relationship, but have become closer as we've gotten older. I love my family. Although we're apart, I think of them constantly and keep in touch as much as possible. The thought of hearing such news, of course makes me think of my own family. What if it was at my hometown elementary school? What if it was my family? My nephew and nieces are not the only one's in the school systems. My sister works for a home health company as an LPN and her current case is working in a school with a client.

The first I heard of this news brought me right back to the day that the Virginia Tech massacre happened. I had the same feelings that day. I was a college senior. I was heading to class. I had been a Resident Assistant. It could have happened on my campus. It could have happened to me. Sure, why bother worrying about the "could haves"? It's just something I do. I'm not sure why. I find myself being more in-tune with the possibilities of things then the realities. I believe that I've cherished my life and am grateful for all that I have. However, I am not immune to bad things. As a Resident Director/Residence Life professional there are many times when I make decisions that can affect a student's future. Sure, the student themselves were the one's who made the decision that put themselves into a conduct matter, but how many actually see it like that? Most students put the blame on the enforcers or the adjudicators rather than on their behavior. I piss off tons of people in my line of work - not on purpose. I'm just doing my job, but not everyone likes that. Every day I wonder if something bad is going to happen. I wonder if I'm going to make a decision and it be so detrimental to someone that they seek revenge. Who knows? 

It is morbid? Is it sick and twisted to worry if you're going to survive another day? Eh, perhaps. For me it's just a realistic reminder that we're all vulnerable. Natural disasters happen. Bad things happen. We may not have any control over it, but at least being aware you can live a little more fearlessly. Or is being in fear contradictory to that? Now, don't get me wrong. I do not sit and wonder about this 24/7. I do have a life, or somewhat of a life outside of my job...

So in short: Don't take things for granted. Cherish the time you have and the one's you have in your life. Say "I love you" more...when you actually mean it. Live each day as if you may not have another.